Twenty-five years ago, I thought I knew who I was.
25 years later, I'm on step one.
Who I'm following is the same: God, my Heavenly Father.
My family has grown but not the same. Grief.
Some close and loving relationships are over. More grief.
Some new ones have been added. Splendid joy.
I thought life would get easier by now.
Not so much.
Not today.
I thought.
Brave music is on in the background as I write.
A brave young man - introspective, talented, powerful.
Reflections of the past where I was mentally sinking,
The bipolar undiagnosed, therefore naked in the daylight.
Metaphorically.
Today I thought I'd feel better.
Sunsets. Darkness comes. I miss them. A lot.
No more thoughts. Tears...
Where has the time gone???????
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Thursday, April 16, 2020
10 Years Without Aaron
4/16/10 - 4/16/20
The tenderness in my heart,
the ink on my arm,
the memories of that horrible week,
remind me that you are gone.
Sorrow never ends no matter how much time passes.
My body remembers by sleeping most of the week.
Today is the night you died...ten years ago. Yesterday, we all said our good-byes in preparation of organ donation this morning and you weren't expected to breathe on your own for long afterward. We weren't supposed to see you again.
But today your strong heart breathed on it's own and we were blessed with many more hours.
Of looking at your beautiful face and listening to machines monitoring you...
Of family being able to have their final good-byes...hugs and kisses and tears...
Of the hours ticking by until your family surrounded you and then in...
The Silence.
It is well.
With my soul.
It is well..it is well...with my soul.
And peace flowing like a river, you met Jesus.
I grieve.
I rejoice.
I miss watching you grow up.
Can't wait to see you, my dear nephew.
New spiritual body, new name, whole.
Lacking nothing.
Smile!
See you soon.
In God's time.
The tenderness in my heart,
the ink on my arm,
the memories of that horrible week,
remind me that you are gone.
Sorrow never ends no matter how much time passes.
My body remembers by sleeping most of the week.
Today is the night you died...ten years ago. Yesterday, we all said our good-byes in preparation of organ donation this morning and you weren't expected to breathe on your own for long afterward. We weren't supposed to see you again.
But today your strong heart breathed on it's own and we were blessed with many more hours.
Of looking at your beautiful face and listening to machines monitoring you...
Of family being able to have their final good-byes...hugs and kisses and tears...
Of the hours ticking by until your family surrounded you and then in...
The Silence.
It is well.
With my soul.
It is well..it is well...with my soul.
And peace flowing like a river, you met Jesus.
I grieve.
I rejoice.
I miss watching you grow up.
Can't wait to see you, my dear nephew.
New spiritual body, new name, whole.
Lacking nothing.
Smile!
See you soon.
In God's time.
Thursday, December 12, 2019
I Am Trauma
I am Trama.
Can't you see?
I'm staring right at you.
But your eyes have been deceived.
You don't know who I am when I first show up.
You're confused by your emotions, the intensity, the corrupt.
You grab at the tools you've used in the past.
But none of them are working.
More confusion. No relief. You are baffled. You are aghast.
Self-harm and suicide are swirling about in your head.
You can't stop the thoughts of wishing you are dead.
The images of cutting your body, but where?
Someone will see it when you are bare.
I am trauma, I sneak about.
I mess with emotions, I lurk around.
I put distressing thoughts into your head.
I'm the one that causes those body movements,
All night long, as you lay down in your bed.
I whisper damning behaviors no Christian would ever do,
Shaming behaviors that even God would turn from, too.
Suicide would be your only reward.
"No one really loves you let alone likes you,"
That's what I'm told.
Trauma doesn't ever seem to go away.
It triggers and figures out new and defeating ways.
Reminds me of the catastrophic abuse I survived back then,
Reminds me how there is no rescuer, not now, not ever again.
Trauma simply is what it is:
Body memories of bad crap.
Getting stirred up and relived
Who needs all of that?
Suicide sure would feel good for this girl today.
But since this life isn't mine...
I carry on anyway.
This book I'm writing should be interesting to say the least.
It feels like it's pulling out of me a great big hairy beast!
I am Trauma.
I will Survive.
Again and again and again.
God's Purpose; Not Mine.
That's why I stay alive.
Can't you see?
I'm staring right at you.
But your eyes have been deceived.
You don't know who I am when I first show up.
You're confused by your emotions, the intensity, the corrupt.
You grab at the tools you've used in the past.
But none of them are working.
More confusion. No relief. You are baffled. You are aghast.
Self-harm and suicide are swirling about in your head.
You can't stop the thoughts of wishing you are dead.
The images of cutting your body, but where?
Someone will see it when you are bare.
I am trauma, I sneak about.
I mess with emotions, I lurk around.
I put distressing thoughts into your head.
I'm the one that causes those body movements,
All night long, as you lay down in your bed.
I whisper damning behaviors no Christian would ever do,
Shaming behaviors that even God would turn from, too.
Suicide would be your only reward.
"No one really loves you let alone likes you,"
That's what I'm told.
Trauma doesn't ever seem to go away.
It triggers and figures out new and defeating ways.
Reminds me of the catastrophic abuse I survived back then,
Reminds me how there is no rescuer, not now, not ever again.
Trauma simply is what it is:
Body memories of bad crap.
Getting stirred up and relived
Who needs all of that?
Suicide sure would feel good for this girl today.
But since this life isn't mine...
I carry on anyway.
This book I'm writing should be interesting to say the least.
It feels like it's pulling out of me a great big hairy beast!
I am Trauma.
I will Survive.
Again and again and again.
God's Purpose; Not Mine.
That's why I stay alive.
Sunday, December 01, 2019
Emotional Pain from Others
What do you do when there's so much emotional pain, triggered by someone else's behavior, that all you do is...
That was yesterday.
Emotional Pain:
Emotions are running wild
Mad is a proper emotion
One person's opinion isn't the rule
Triggers past issues
Isolating doesn't help me
One person's hurtful behavior
Nasty and disrespectful
Agree to disagree but talk about it
Love from a distance
People are broken like I am
Acceptance but not tolerance or ignorance
I'm not perfect
Now it's time to forgive and let them go
I have to acknowledge that with Bipolar I and Borderline Personality Disorder, plus growing up abused and neglected with a tender heart, I have extreme emotional reactions when it comes to how others treat me. It's not an excuse - just an extra layer to work through. I'm working on how to recognize it (which is why my suicide attempts haven't worked). Especially when I ask people for the truth and they give me, what I think, is a non-truth.
Who am I to judge them and their truth?
Only God judges and knows the whole truth. My job is to believe what they say. Just for today, it's to not self-harm, to stay sober, to stay alive, and to eventually talk about it with someone. God will provide the right person. Perhaps my therapist, AA sponsor, or another person. Last night it was scripture listening in Psalm 62. In any case, my job is to take care of my side of the street and not get tangled up in the web of the other so much so that I lose all perspective and throw in the towel. Learning how to live in the balance - not in extremes.
I can set boundaries. I can limit my time around that person. I can even choose not to be around that person at all. As long as I have a realistic understanding of the consequences of my actions, I can make healthy decisions for myself. Every action has a reaction.
One person, including me, has the power to hurt another with their words and actions.
May I be careful in how I treat others and not cause any emotional pain.
May I be quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when I do and may you be quick to forgive me.
Thank you.
- Feel a depth of sadness that you haven't felt ever, or
- Have pictures in your mind of what relief suicide would bring, or
- Trying to figure out who that one person would be that you could call who won't toss you into the hospital or call the cops on you for fear you're going to harm yourself or someone else, or
- Stare at the Suicide Prevention Hotline number knowing you're tipping too close to the edge, or
- Your text message says, "Crisis Text Line," you've typed, "Hello?" but not pressed "Send", or
- All day long you succumb to tears so deep you don't actually cry but your face is soaked, or
- You wonder why a family member finds you so revolting to even speak to or look at, yet doesn't respect you enough to tell you why, or
- Why you even bother to care in the first place?????????
That was yesterday.
Emotional Pain:
Emotions are running wild
Mad is a proper emotion
One person's opinion isn't the rule
Triggers past issues
Isolating doesn't help me
One person's hurtful behavior
Nasty and disrespectful
Agree to disagree but talk about it
Love from a distance
People are broken like I am
Acceptance but not tolerance or ignorance
I'm not perfect
Now it's time to forgive and let them go
I have to acknowledge that with Bipolar I and Borderline Personality Disorder, plus growing up abused and neglected with a tender heart, I have extreme emotional reactions when it comes to how others treat me. It's not an excuse - just an extra layer to work through. I'm working on how to recognize it (which is why my suicide attempts haven't worked). Especially when I ask people for the truth and they give me, what I think, is a non-truth.
Who am I to judge them and their truth?
Only God judges and knows the whole truth. My job is to believe what they say. Just for today, it's to not self-harm, to stay sober, to stay alive, and to eventually talk about it with someone. God will provide the right person. Perhaps my therapist, AA sponsor, or another person. Last night it was scripture listening in Psalm 62. In any case, my job is to take care of my side of the street and not get tangled up in the web of the other so much so that I lose all perspective and throw in the towel. Learning how to live in the balance - not in extremes.
I can set boundaries. I can limit my time around that person. I can even choose not to be around that person at all. As long as I have a realistic understanding of the consequences of my actions, I can make healthy decisions for myself. Every action has a reaction.
One person, including me, has the power to hurt another with their words and actions.
May I be careful in how I treat others and not cause any emotional pain.
May I be quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when I do and may you be quick to forgive me.
Thank you.
Wednesday, May 08, 2019
What I'm Learning Using Self-Care
Self-care is, for me, learning to change self-destructive behaviors into positive self-love behaviors, within God's purpose, the healing of Jesus, and the counsel of the Holy Spirit.
Food is my hardest form of self-harm. I've lost 54 physical pounds but even more emotional weight. I'm not done yet. I still struggle with pulling out my hair from time to time and chewing on the inside of my cheeks. I've stopped other forms of self-injury for over four years. I overeat or hurt myself when I'm stuck in a quandary of feelings. Only by God's grace am I nine years sober.
I'm learning to not "be brave" anymore. I'm learning how to feel emotions, learning their names, and trying not to tell someone I'm fine when I'm not. I'm crying, talking while I'm crying, having crying breakdowns and crying in front of my therapist and Bible study friends. This is good progress and self-care.
With depression, I'm learning the difference between isolation and quiet time. One is unhealthy; the other is for replenishing. There are days I'm physically exhausted and can't think. That's when I've pushed myself too far. As an introvert, who has multiple mental illnesses, I need to balance my time better and set aside quiet days to do nothing - like rest.
I'm recognizing depression runs in cycles and how important it is to see my therapist more often and tell my psychiatrist so he can adjust my medications or prescribe TMS treatments. I no longer blame myself for causing it. It's the brain chemistry getting goofy. I make sure I've taken my medications and if so, I don't freak out.
I'm reaching out to family and friends for support (especially grief support) and try to let go of the guilt of not being able to give back during these times...to say, "I'm sorry, I can't get together or talk. I need prayer." They understand. They tell me they miss me, they love me, and ask if I need anything. Love in action. Blessings each one.
I want to live in God's hope, participate in a few social gatherings a month, take care of my pets, and live in the identity God gave me.
I can't do that without proper self-care. Self-care requires change. That's where it begins.
A willingness to change. With God guiding - not me!
Food is my hardest form of self-harm. I've lost 54 physical pounds but even more emotional weight. I'm not done yet. I still struggle with pulling out my hair from time to time and chewing on the inside of my cheeks. I've stopped other forms of self-injury for over four years. I overeat or hurt myself when I'm stuck in a quandary of feelings. Only by God's grace am I nine years sober.
I'm learning to not "be brave" anymore. I'm learning how to feel emotions, learning their names, and trying not to tell someone I'm fine when I'm not. I'm crying, talking while I'm crying, having crying breakdowns and crying in front of my therapist and Bible study friends. This is good progress and self-care.
With depression, I'm learning the difference between isolation and quiet time. One is unhealthy; the other is for replenishing. There are days I'm physically exhausted and can't think. That's when I've pushed myself too far. As an introvert, who has multiple mental illnesses, I need to balance my time better and set aside quiet days to do nothing - like rest.
I'm recognizing depression runs in cycles and how important it is to see my therapist more often and tell my psychiatrist so he can adjust my medications or prescribe TMS treatments. I no longer blame myself for causing it. It's the brain chemistry getting goofy. I make sure I've taken my medications and if so, I don't freak out.
I'm reaching out to family and friends for support (especially grief support) and try to let go of the guilt of not being able to give back during these times...to say, "I'm sorry, I can't get together or talk. I need prayer." They understand. They tell me they miss me, they love me, and ask if I need anything. Love in action. Blessings each one.
I want to live in God's hope, participate in a few social gatherings a month, take care of my pets, and live in the identity God gave me.
I can't do that without proper self-care. Self-care requires change. That's where it begins.
A willingness to change. With God guiding - not me!
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