Only God

"Only God can use our pain for a purpose, far beyond what our eyes can see."

This thought came to mind when I received a twitter from Pastor Rick and Kay Warren.  Their interview with Piers Morgan from CNN is going to be re-televised.  I was struck by the transparency and authenticity of this Purpose Driven Family.  

As I think about God's purpose for my life, I must admit, I don't have a crystal ball.  I bet you don't either.  Walking in faith takes a large amount of trust and courage.  But how do you develop those?  Let me share how I have been growing mine.

First, I admit I don't know everything.  Then I keep admitting it.  If I live life thinking I know everything I won't need anyone, most especially God.  In learning how to trust God more, I practice with little things.  Things I know I can handle if He drops the ball.  Allow me to let you in on a secret - He never drops the ball.  

Second, I have a small group of friends whose walk with God inspires me.  I watch their lives and their reactions.  How they handle the stress, uncertainty and at times puzzling circumstances is very telling.  Most of them respond differently from each other.  This is a good balance of input.

Third, I ask God to help me grow toward Him.  Since I have a well established habit of being a loner, reaching out to God is awkward.  He's my all in all and my blessed Redeemer.  Talking to Him about the small stuff then the big stuff nurtures my faith.  I gain some courage and I gain some trust.

Am I ready to have God use my pain for a greater purpose?  I think so.

Not Self Injuring. Really?

It has come to my attention that I have been processing difficult feelings since my therapy session from Wednesday.  I know this because I felt incredibly uncomfortable when we were discussing my assessment.  Hearing the past abuse still upsets me.  In fact, it makes me want to crawl into a hole out of embarrassment.

Embarrassment?  Yup.  I feel responsible for what happened by another person's choices.  I thought I worked through it but evidently not.  It's crazy, I know.  At least it feels crazy.

I've been teasing myself with self injury inside my mouth.  Today I flashed back to when I was younger.  I used to chew the inside of my cheeks raw so they would bleed.  I have to be careful I don't do that again.

So what am I doing?  Causing bumps but there's no pain.  I feel ridges on my cheeks and tell myself, "It's okay as long as you don't bleed or cause pain."  But is that true?  Really?  I'm second guessing.

In my head I know I'm not supposed to be perfect.  In my heart I know Jesus is the only Perfect One whoever lived.  In my soul I know God, in His image, created me perfectly.  But in my thoughts?  Yeah, therein lies the mess.

Subject to change.

I'm on week two of writing down the food/beverages/etc. I eat every day.  I lost one pound in week one.  I started week two today and did VERY well.  Maybe since the food is being removed the self injury is gaining momentum.  UGH!  They cycle of insanity is once again trying to gain a foothold.  But not today.

I have sugar-free gum to chew so I chew it.  It keeps my mouth busy and distracts those dysfunctional thoughts.  I'm drinking plenty of fluids so I stay hydrated and I don't get headaches.  I'm balancing the food pyramid, thankfully, since I visited the food pantry.  My friend bought me two large jar candles and I got to pick out the scents.  Those are used to comfort me.

Oops - I forgot to light one so I'd calm down.  hahaha.  See?  Nobody's perfect.

I have hope that one day I will be set free.
I have love that one day will be sufficient.
I have determination that one day I will not hurt myself in any form.
I have peace that one day I will be with God in HIS timing!

Remember this:  God doesn't promise that our lives will be problem free.  He promises to be with us through all the problems.  That's in the bible somewhere but I can't remember where.

Have a great Friday wherever you are and make the most of your recovery this weekend.  Go to a meeting, go to church (or watch it online like I do), call a friend or get out of the house.  

The Battle Inside - The Solution

Yesterday I shared some of the battles I fight internally.  Now I'm going to talk about the solutions I've found to be successful.  Here we go:

• Staying sober to embrace emotional pain
• I've been sober for over four years
• I stay away from alcohol environments 
• Not buying or eating comfort foods to feel feelings
• Feeling panic and/or anxiety
• Feeling scared and/or terrified
• Feeling sad and/or depressed
• Feeling angry and/or rage
• Feeling nervous and/or lonely
• Resisting self-injury to feel uncomfortable feelings
• Haven't self-injured since Aug 2, 2013 
• To feel pain in a safe way, maybe with others
• To tell people how much I hurt
• To heal from past abuse where others hurt me
• Debunking suicidal ideation to tell myself the truth
• Not planning a rendezvous with God because I'd be missed
• Seeing myself as a worthwhile child of God 
• Not taking a temporary problem and turning it into a permanent solution
• God said, "It's not time for you to come home yet."

This is what works for me.  Perhaps doing an exercise like this will help you when the battle is getting the best of you.  Believe me, it's a recurring event!!

The Battle Inside - The Problem

Like any history buff, I revel in a justifiable battle.  Two (or more) opposing ideas clash together, fighting to make their point so that they can forward their cause and win the accolades of their supporters.  An admirable stance for a worthwhile cause.

The battles I justify fighting are the ones that pull me away from healthy behavior.  When they have a grip, I have to suit up with my weapons of mass destruction.  My battles include:

• Drinking alcohol to soothe emotional pain
• Puts me to sleep so I don't feel anything
• Relaxes me in social environments
• Overeating to subdue uncomfortable feelings
• Panic and/or anxiety
• Scared and/or terrified
• Sad and/or depressed
• Angry and/or rage
• Nervous and/or lonely
• Engaging in self-injury to feel or not to feel
• To feel something when I'm numb
• To feel pain as a way to comfort myself
• To show people how much I hurt
• To show myself where others hurt me
• Suicidal ideation to escape to a better place
• Planning a rendezvous with God
• Not being a burden to anyone
• Giving up on myself
• Giving up on God

Those are some of my problems.  Tomorrow I'll talk about the solutions I've identified that have been working.

Renew My Mind

Lord, renew my mind.

For so many years my mind has been filled with junk.  Lies, false beliefs, boxes of doubt and negative thoughts.  Fortunately, when all of it was brought to the forefront, I decided to try and make all things new.

The Bible says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  2 Cor 10:5 (NIV)

I like the last part of this verse.  When I take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ, I'm opening myself up to positive change and a new way of thinking.  This helps especially when I am feeling down or by myself.

The challenge in this process is being able to put aside thoughts until I can bring them before Christ.  Some situations don't allow for immediate submission.  Thankfully, God knows my heart and is delighted in my passion to have my mind renewed.  He'll hang onto it until I'm ready.

What thoughts do you need to have renewed today?  Write them down and bring them before the Lord.  Then expect good things to happen!

Part 2 of 2 - God's Presence

What I thought was hopeless, God saw as opportunity.  I was convinced my home was never going to be safe, fun or peaceful.  I was living in a repeated trauma zone.  There was caution tape all around it.  But the evil did not heed to that tape.

The first time I felt God's presence in my home was when I started Alateen at age 14.  I was no longer fixed on the alcoholic.  I was keeping my eyes fixed on recovery.  I was working hard and it was paying off.

Looking back I can see God's presence in the most painful parts of my life.  The cool thing is that I didn't invite God into those areas.  I didn't know Him yet.  He took it upon Himself to show up.  Nobody ever did that in my life.  He showed up with a purpose, just for me.  He was starting the healing process.  A process I continue to be relentlessly choosing.

God's presence, as far as I can tell in my own life, has never abandoned me.  Sure, I've gotten angry at Him and ignored Him and even refused to listen for Him.  The other cool thing is He understands how I feel, what I'm going through, how some parts of the healing process tear me up inside.  He understands because He's always been there.  Sometimes I think to myself, "That's just crazy."  Yeah - that's what's mind blowing about a loving God.

Whether or not I'm struggling with trauma, mental illness, destructive thoughts or flashbacks, I know my God, my Abba Father, is with me.  I can take His hand and allow Him to lead me down the next path of recovery.  I can take His hand when I'm scared and need to be reminded that I'm not alone.  I can take His hand and put His arm around my shoulders for comfort.

God's presence is always available.  Sometimes I have to ask, "Am I willing to let down my guard so He can reside in all of me?"  Today, the answer is YES.

Part 1 of 2 - God's Presence

Looking back, I see God's hand actively involved in my life, much more than I knew at the time.  When the physical pain of the abuse was horrific, God wept with me.  When the emotional abuse was frightening, God protected my feelings.  When the mental abuse was crafty and disguised, God gave me discernment to find a safe place in my mind.  God was with me in everything.

Physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse.  Four types of abuse that could have wrecked me for my whole life.  But God had other plans.  He planned to use this evil for good.

I had a very hard time believing there was a God.  I felt neglected and abandoned by my parents, cast aside by my sisters, unworthy of love that didn't hurt and left feeling it was up to me to survive.  All of this helped me make the decision that I was best off taking care of myself.  I was eight years old.

God brought people into my life that had a relationship with God.  They would share how much God loves me, wants to help me, etc..  I didn't believe them because they didn't know my story.  They didn't know God was already not helping.  My family was beyond repair.

God knew different.