A Hug Like No Other

Can Be Same Sex

When I was about 17 years old, I transitioned from Alateen into Al-Anon.  I went to a Friday morning meeting at a local church that became one of my regular meetings.  At that meeting I met Debra.

Debra was a mom, busy with many kids.  I loved listening to her when she shared because she always talked about her Higher Power.  Her HP was full of love, beauty, grace and peace.  He helped her through the bad times and certainly gave her good times.

I was going through a lot emotionally.  We had a mutual friend who I later discovered used me in many ways.  I was a teenager, not mature enough to see what was going on and felt love for her and from her like I hadn't felt before.

This woman's Dad passed away.  Of course she was very distraught. What I didn't understand was why she didn't want to see me.  We were very close.  I felt rejected in many ways.

I went over to Debra's house.  She could see the pain I was in.  We'd been talking like many times before.  I stood up to leave and we were giving each other a hug but Debra didn't let go of me.  She held onto me for a long time.  And I don't mean one or two minutes.  I think it was more like twenty minutes or more.

I felt safe and I didn't want her to let go.  Sometimes one of her kids would walk in and she would talk to them without letting go of me.  I remember feeling so relaxed I could fall asleep.

When Debra and I did let go, she asked if I was okay.  I said yes.  I was a little self-conscious but I could see in her face that this was something she wanted to give.

Our paths crossed seven years ago.  All that love and affection flooded forward like no time had passed.  I asked Debra about that hug.  She said she's always wondered how I felt about it.  I told her how it's the only time I've ever felt completely safe and loved.

She smiled and told me that God had told her to hold onto me because I didn't know what it felt like to feel loved and to feel safe.

That's right!

John 15

Jesus, the True Vine

15 “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.3 You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. 6 Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. 7 But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!8 When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.

9 “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. 10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. 16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

The World’s Hatred

18 “If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. 19 The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. 20 Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you. 21 They will do all this to you because of me, for they have rejected the one who sent me. 22 They would not be guilty if I had not come and spoken to them. But now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 Anyone who hates me also hates my Father. 24 If I hadn’t done such miraculous signs among them that no one else could do, they would not be guilty. But as it is, they have seen everything I did, yet they still hate me and my Father. 25 This fulfills what is written in their Scriptures[a]: ‘They hated me without cause.’

26 “But I will send you the Advocate[b]—the Spirit of truth. He will come to you from the Father and will testify all about me. 27 And you must also testify about me because you have been with me from the beginning of my ministry.

John is one of my favorite books of the Bible and chapter 15 one of my most favorite chapters.  The words of Jesus are direct yet filled with truth and love.  What an awesome world we will live in when His words are fulfilled.

Troubled Minds, Hurting Souls

What is a troubled mind?  See if this sounds familiar.

• Racing thoughts
• Difficulty concentrating
• Inability to form sentences
• No thoughts
• Staring at an object for a long time
• Unable to solve easy problems
• Get upset easily because mind can't keep anything straight.

What is a hurting soul?  This one's a little harder.

• My soul is tied directly to God so how can it hurt?
• Some days I feel disconnected from God.
• When I feel disconnected from God I'm usually in emotional pain.
• The emotional pain can be surface or deep - it doesn't matter.
• If the pain is surface, I deal with it by stuffing it.
• When it surfaces, my soul hurts but not so much.
• If the pain is deep, I ignore it by telling myself I've had this long enough.
• When it surfaces, my soul is in agony.  That's when I want to self-harm.

If I had a choice between troubled minds or hurting souls I would choose a troubled mind.  Even though my mind causes great distress, I would rather deal with it than with something that has feelings.  

Feelings always rip me apart inside.  I've never liked them, never understood their purpose and never liked learning about them.  Some people are all about feelings.  No me.

Not ever.

Television or Reading

My mental illnesses go back and forth as to what I can and cannot do.  One of them is whether or not I can watch television (including DVD's, Hulu or Netflix) or read (newspaper, magazine, book) or listen to a book on CD.

I know what it feels like to not be able to engage with people (any people) and lock yourself in the house. The only thing you can do is pick out movies, preferably a series, to watch all day.  Don't answer the phone, don't make any calls, don't check e-mail - go dark.

Often times I watch war movies or under dog movies.  I like the violence because that's how I'm feeling inside, not being able to get out of my inner foxhole.  Or I'll watch movies where people are fighting for a cause, litigation or a greater good.  The movies I watch have to have a purpose beyond the obvious.

Then I have times when I can read.  It starts with on-line news.  I skip around to what's important and ignore the junk.  I hit the social media sites I follow.  I usually keep up to date with the obituaries (local to my area and in Chicago).  If I need to I'll listen to my church's sermon for the week.

I get the Chicago Tribune most days of the week so I look through there and read whatever I find interesting.  Sometimes I read my neighbor's copy of People magazine.  Other times I pick up a book but that doesn't happen very often.  My mind can't concentrate that long so I do better with short articles.

I get most of what I need from the internet because I don't spend the little bit of money I have on cable.  It's a decision I had to make and for me, it's a good one.  Sometimes I miss it but for the most part a radio or the internet does just fine.

Television or Reading.
I guess the television is used when my brain is turned off.
I guess the reading is used when my brain is in a brown out.

Major Depressive Disorder

I was talking with a couple of friends about Major Depressive Disorder.  How it's the worst of all depressions to be diagnosed with and why.  How every day is an uphill battle for your sanity and your serenity.

My therapist gave me a copy of the official description. I circled many of the symptoms as being constant. Some of them I don't want anyone to know because I might get hospitalized.

When those symptoms come and go they are very draining.  I don't really notice when they leave.  Just when they lessen.  Other symptoms are scary so I keep them to myself.  Some of them I stay at home, on the couch and sleep the day away.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  I have mental illnesses because they flowed through God's hands. He certainly is not feeling sorry for me so why should I or anyone else?  When it gets really hard, I write, keep busy, go for a walk or listen to quiet music.

I've been known to go to one of my sisters houses, socialize with the kids or just hang out.  It's good to be around my family.  Being around my friends is a little harder.  But they understand and that helps.

There are days inside of me I am screaming.  Days I want to throw baseballs at a tree.  Days I want to use a bat and whack my punching bag.

This summer I plan to visit my solitude spot and go fishing.  Maybe do some reading.  Or sit by the water listening to the sounds around me.

The depression doesn't have to control my every decision.  Some days it will more than others.  And some days I will feel more powerful than it.

In any case, Major Depressive Disorder is not a fatal diagnosis.  I have professionals who can help.  I tap into their training, wisdom and experience as often as I need to.

Finding trustworthy people helps me feel a little better even if the diagnosis doesn't get better.

Good Christian

A boss I had over ten years ago found me on Facebook.  Turns out her son knows my nephew from school.  She said she did the creeping search and found me.  I didn't know there was a note from her until almost two months later.  When I read who sent it, my heart was over joyed.

Erin was one of three supervisors I reported to.  But Erin had a special quality about her.  When I was having difficulty with my primary boss, she gave me advice on how to handle it.  When I had issues from my abused past surface, she listened and gave me tips on how to manage them and still be able to assert myself.

That job lasted about eleven months.  At first I loved it and was in the right fit.  But then because of changes in the company, I was moved to Carol and Erin's department.  I was moved to data entry which I knew wasn't a good fit.  I gave it a try but I just couldn't do it anymore.

One morning, I walked into Erin's office in tears, and told her I can't do this anymore.  She asked if I needed to leave that day and I said yes.  She asked if I could wait until lunch and I said yes.  She planned a goodbye time complete with a card and cake and sentimental farewells.  I was so moved I had tears in my eyes.

When I was asked where I was going, I said I didn't have a job to go to.  I had a lead on a job but there were no guarantees.  This was a step of faith.

I left the job and felt mixed emotions.  I felt elated and relieved that I was no longer going to be doing a job that was not a good match for my skill set and I felt very sad because I'd miss Erin, Carol and some of the other staff from other departments.

Sometimes God puts us in a working situation to teach us something, to prepare us for something or to be a witness for Him to others.  Erin said, "You set a good example of how to be a good Christian."  I remember having conversations with people about my faith but I knew it was my behavior that would really make the difference.  Hearing Erin say that warmed my heart as I hope it pleased God.

I want to please God in all I do.  Even though I have all the crap wrong with me, I still don't want to sin in it or behave in a way that embarrasses God.  I want to please Him the most and make him feel pleased.

He's my only Father.
I pray Erin and Carol come into a relationship with Him.

Truth or Freedom

I think many of us, including myself, live under the misconception that we have to choose between living in truth or living in freedom. Living in truth is very stringent while freedom has fewer rules to abide by.  It might seem to some that choosing one over the other is a no win situation.  In some instances, that's true.

A lot of years ago I found myself in a truth or freedom situation.  I was feeling conflicted so I confided in someone I served alongside.  I was kicked up to a staff person who, without my permission, brought my confidential situation to the Elders.  Their solution was to either live in the truth as they knew it or be set free from serving at the church but still able to attend services.

Live in the truth as they knew it or
Be set free from serving but still able to attend services.

Truth or Freedom.

I didn't feel the Elders had the right to give me an ultimatum because they never met me, never talked to me, didn't know about my situation first hand and were making decisions flying by the seat of their pants.

I looked the staff person in the eyes with tears falling from my eyes and said, "You had no right to go to the Elders and tell them my situation.  You can tell them they do not have the right to force me into something just because they don't understand it.  I will not serve in this church because none of you has the authority to tell me when to do it.  As of right now, I no longer attend this church.  I hope you are happy with yourself. She was stunned.

I stood up and walked out the door.

Here's the thing.  When you're involved in a pattern of sin, it's between you and God.  The only reason I told anyone was because  I'd been in 12 step groups and keeping secrets lead to bad behavior.  I didn't want that to happen in my relationship with Jesus.

What did I end up doing?  I walked out of the church that night and stayed away for ten months.  I never went for holidays or anything.  The staff person would contact me from time to time, mail me stuff, trying to shine the light so I'd change but she didn't get it.  I had to have some experiences with other people and some God ordained experiences before I was able to walk away from something that was hurting me.

In June of 1994, I came back to my church.  I returned to where I was serving.  I got looks from people who questioned my return. Some of them I answered, some it wasn't their business.

That fall, God brought me to a singles retreat who's verse was Jn 8:32 "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."  I laughed out loud and gave God a thumbs up.

Since June 17-24, 1994 I have known the truth and with that truth came the freedom I'd been searching for.