When Living Is Difficult

During the last few days I have found living to be a challenge. I'm not referring to suicide but rather the functioning of my brain and my body.  The days are long and seem to be growing longer each moment. Intellectually I know that's not possible because 24 hours is always only 24 hours.

For those of us who struggle with bipolar depression, panic and anxiety disorder as well as PTSD sometimes our perspective can get cloudy and distorted.  When my mind is filled with fog and it's hard to see the light of day I have to remind myself that truth is not always based on what I see. 

Truth is based on truth and there are certain things I know to always be true. I know the sun will rise and the sun will set every day. I know oxygen will fill my lungs every time I breathe in and breathe out.  I know that God created this beautiful world for me to find rest and enjoy even when there is unrest in regions I don't quite understand.  Lastly I know he created me in his image and he created those whom I love and those who challenge me in his image, too.

So what is living all about? I believe it's about trusting in the things I cannot see, trusting in a God I know is there not only because of what the Bible says but because of the way he's changed me and the lovely feelings I have for him deep in my heart.  I know living takes a lot of effort on some days like today but I also know that God rewards that effort by granting me his peace and patience and quietness and love when I feel empty.

Living is loving God and myself. Living is loving my family and friends.  Living is doing what I don't want to do. Living is being who God created me to be and then stepping out in faith and courage and perseverance when it's the hardest thing in the world to do. I do it because I love God and I want his blessings in my life.   I love who he created me to be and I love the calling that he's put in my life.

The bottom line is this:  Living is about change and acceptance.  Over and over and over again.  My ability to live this life is so much better when I remember this simple pathway to peace.  

I hope you find your pathway to peace, too.

Depression At It's Heaviest

There are days like today when it's a real battle to try and function without being properly medicated. I had to reschedule my appointment with my psychiatrist last week because I've been having problems with my wrists, possibly carpal tunnel.  I had a bad fall about six weeks ago so having this looked at was important.  I have a test next week and I'm hoping that this numbness will be identified so that it can be remedied.

But for the last five days my depression has been very difficult. Depression in it's manic state is never easy to manage.  I find the hardest part is keeping my mind from detaching from my body or the surroundings that I am in. What I mean is that it takes a lot of mental energy to do anything. From leaving the house to being afraid of a recurring bed wetting experience to remembering to take my medication to taking a shower and especially to deal with the fear that I'm never going to feel better until I get to heaven.  And choosing what foods to eat is even more difficult when I have no appetite or all I want to eat is junk food.

Some Christians, in my opinion, would say that I need to hang onto the joy of my salvation especially during a time like this. The thing is, I've never let go of the joy of my salvation.  My faith in my Father who loves me stays strong and I fight sometimes minute by minute to make sure that I keep myself safe. So what is one to do when she feels so vulnerable and even afraid of what's happening inside of her mind?

I hang onto the truth that in less than 72 hours I will be with my therapist and psychiatrist who can help make adjustments to my medication. I tell myself that I'm going to be with my small group at church tomorrow morning and hear from Beth Moore about a better way to understand Paul's teaching in first and second Thessalonians.  To remind myself that there is nothing happening to me that hasn't happened to any of God's people throughout the history of creation. He always provides a way out.

So during this time of trial, when I feel I am at my weakest, I reach up and grab onto the hand that created me, who knows me and loves me, and is going to provide health and healing for all areas of my life. And you can have that reassurance as well by coming into a relationship with God through his son Jesus Christ who not only died for our sins but taught us how to have a relationship with the Father.

And that my friends is the only relationship that really matters to me. He will show me the way. He will show you the way. His ways are higher than our ways. There will be joy in the morning.