Stress and Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures

Thursday night, the seizures came back.  It's been about seven months since I had one at church.  I down played it as I often do so that I don't get the emotional support I need.  It's what I know to do.  It's not taking care of myself or my needs.  It's time for a change.

I've had more than I can count moments when I'm hanging on by my fingernails rather than my hands.  My eyes are fixed on Jesus and my fingers are touching His cloak for healing.  There have been times when healing takes place and for that, I am very grateful.  Dare I say, "But..."?

But I find myself with thoughts of dying and my book not being finished.  It's not a new thought.  I've written about it before.  But when my balance is off and I start to fall to the side or backwards, when my head is pounding with a migraine or a headache, when my right hand tremors make it difficult to type never mind write or when my back locks up from standing too long, I wonder how quickly and truthfully I can write.

The seizures I had the other day scared me.  But....I told one person.  It was "doctor" week.  Neurologist, internist, root canal and brain MRI.  I didn't plan it that way and I certainly needed all of them.  I pushed myself through it.  I pushed hard.  The day of the brain MRI was the evening those seizures occurred.

These were not what I've had in the past.  They were a series of short seizure bursts as I sat on the couch at 8:45 p.m..  My body stiffens, I curl forward and I can't breathe for 3-4 seconds.  It repeated itself, one right after another, about 9 times.  I had pain in my chest and in my back and I also had shortness of breath.  I figured it was from seizing but still, I thought about driving to the ER.

Just then, my friend sent a text message.  I told her what was happening then she called.  I told her I was okay, this has happened before, there's nothing to worry about.  I told her I'd try to reach a friend to drive me but if not I could drive myself.  So, I did.

The doctor said, "Amy, I remember you.  What's going on?"  I told him what was happening.  I was sure it was seizure activity but because of the lingering pain I was having I wanted to make sure it wasn't a heart attack or anything else.  He ran the tests, took x-rays and said everything looked fine.  He was even pleased with my Lithium level.  Yes, they were emotion based.  Home I went.

I had a couple more yesterday, I'm still shaking but considering all I've been through, physically I'm okay even though physically I feel like crap.

I had all the tests for epilepsy a few years ago.  Every test came back negative.  At that time, they called the type of seizures I have pseudoseizures or psychologically based.  I've not been on medication for them because my type needs strong medical and psychotherapy support.  But that doesn't guarantee I won't have episodes.

The past almost two months I've had these indicators that seizures could happen:

• Moderate to severe headaches and migraines
• Moderate to severe right hand tremors
• Panic/Anxiety from the thought of being with or around people
• PTSD from reading my blogs for the book
• Borderline Personality Disorder has been kicking up
• No therapy due to cold, virus and tests
• I've changed what I eat and measure how much I eat.  I've already lost 4 lbs. 
• More of my car got fixed; almost done.
• Last night I followed through on my Good Friday tradition of watching, "The Passion of the Christ."  I always cry when He is scourged almost to death.  I feel so deeply when His mother wipes His blood off the stone ground.  I feel her pain as she sheds tears through out His final footsteps.  When the movie is over, I go to the scene of the Last Supper and take communion with them.  I have to.  He's my Savior and I love Him with all my heart.

I know I need to rest but my thoughts are racing.   I want to work on my book, print a blog for one of my friends who just joined our group and maybe get in a walk weather permitting.  I might work in my shed or re-carpet the cat tree.  First, I will lay down.

I love my friends, I really do.  There are times when I don't want to tell them anything else that's wrong because their liable to hug me or show concern on their faces.  I don't want anyone concerned.  I've gotten through hard times, in fact, the hardest times by myself.

But is that what God wants for me?  I think not.  Even though I don't have a clue how to receive their love and desire to help, it's not right that I be selfish by rejecting what they want to give.  Somehow I have to get that turned around and stop thinking how much of a mess I am and how much of a burden I can be.  Truth???

I don't want them to leave me.
I feel scared that I'll tip them over and out.
I feel vulnerable.
I have holes inside that God filled and He uses others to help fill other holes.
I'm too independent, a smart person and a deep feeler.
I love those I connect to deeply.
Don't leave me because I'm mentally ill and physically challenged.
My little girl screams,"I'll be good!  I promise!"

I miss my therapist.

A friend recently said to me, "You suffer in silence."  Yes, I do.  Right or wrong, it's the way I know to stay safe.

Click here for:   Information on Psychogenic-non-epileptic seizures

The below video is spot on for me:

Good Friday

It's not about preparations for Easter Sunday or the coloring of eggs.
It's not about the lamb shaped butter or what to wear on your legs.  (sorry!)
It's not about the baskets of goodies for little children to enjoy.
It's not about the jelly beans, it's not about the toys.

It's about a man named Jesus whose life came to be,
On Christmas day He was born then died at thirty-three.
Here are the truths about my Savior,
A trustworthy one is He.

(This is from my Facebook page)

When Jesus lived, He taught us how to live.  
When Jesus prayed, He taught us how to pray.  
When Jesus rebuked, He taught us how to confront wrongs.  
When Jesus chose the disciples, He chose men who were flawed.  
When Jesus talked to women, He told them their worth.  
When Jesus was betrayed, He knew the consequences.  
When Jesus was taken away, His friends left him. 
When Jesus was tried for proclaiming He is the King of Jews, His fate was traded for a murderer to be set free.
When Jesus was scourged, His Mom cleaned up His blood.  
When the prison officials pushed a crown of thorns into His head, Jesus did not take it off.  
When Jesus struggled to carry His cross, a stranger was chosen to help him.  
When Jesus made his way up the hill, still carrying His cross, the stranger was now his friend.  
When Jesus was nailed to the cross, He cried out in pain.  
When the cross was dropped into the hole in the ground, Jesus cried out, again.  
Jesus pardoned one of the two thieves to show us that forgiveness is never too late.  
Before Jesus died, He asked His Father to forgive the soldiers.  
When Jesus said, "Into thy hands I commit My spirit," He was talking to His Father.  

When Jesus died, there was a great earthquake that shook the earth. Darkness fell over the land for 3 hours. When it was quiet, His body was lowered and removed from the cross then placed in a borrowed tomb. A large stone was rolled in front and a guard was placed in front of it so that the body could not be stolen by His followers for they could claim He has risen.  

This is Good Friday.

15 Minutes

Forever, it seems to me, I've heard this preached:  "Spend 15 minutes a day reading your bible.  It's how God speaks to you through the Holy Spirit."  I agree.

I've read it cover to cover at least twice, read several individual books repeatedly, memorized a boat load of scripture by book, chapter and verse so I thought I was covered.  Not.

I may have had bible knowledge but I lacked bible application to change my life.  I'd start the 15 minute deal then drift off someplace because of life.  I'd hear the suggestion again and the cycle would start over.  Start reading.  Stop reading.  Start reading.  Stop reading.  I became so disgusted with my inability to read the bible regularly that I limited my reading for special occasions.

Feeling down, feeling curious, wanting some direction, encouraging others, using it at church, needing to feel close to God and understanding Jesus better.  Those are valid reasons for reading the bible but in my experience now, I can hear (not audibly) God speak to me.  I can feel His presence.

Last month I was challenged again.  Like I said above, this time I obeyed.  I admit I'm averaging reading every other day.  There's one thing I came to realize before I started reading.  There are 66 books in the bible.  I wanted to read what God wanted me to read.  I prayed about it and it was the book of Matthew.

The best way I've found to keep reading is to use the timer on my phone and a set of spiral index cards.  I set the timer to 15 minutes and it counts down.  Sometimes I'm so into what I'm reading that I continue.  Other times I struggle in concentration.  I use the index cards to keep track of the date and what I read.  Very helpful especially if your bookmark falls out!

I also prefer to read out loud.  Even though I may stumble in my reading, I hear the bible come alive with my voice.  I can picture what I'm reading which makes it similar to watching a movie unveil right before your eyes.

Here's a key point.  When I finished reading Matthew, I did not presume that God wanted me to read the book after that one, Mark.  I prayed again and this time He led me to Esther.  I'm just about through with that book and today He revealed my next book, Job (Jobe).  It happens to be the book right after Esther but I know (at least I think I know) why that's next.  More will be revealed.

Today I had a root canal on one of my front bottom teeth.  I was a bit nervous.  I planned ahead and finished my 15 minutes while I was waiting for my name to be called.  Then I was called in.  The dentist was running a little late so I used that time to seek out a verse of courage and/or reassurance.  I remembered Isaiah 40, the end of it, but then I read it from the beginning to the end.

WOW!  It's amazing.  Below are the verses that spoke to my fear.  The full chapter can be found by clicking on this link:  Isaiah 40, NIV

When the dentist came into the room, she said, "That is a hard book to read."  I looked at her and asked, "The Bible?"  She said, "Yes.  It's very hard to understand."  I replied, "Not at all. In fact the one I'm reading is an easy to understand one.  It's not hard at all.  It's the old testament that tells prophecies and the new testament tells the rest of the story."  She said, "The old testament is hard to understand.  The other one is easier, right?"  I agreed.  When I was laying down in the chair (before she started the dental work in my mouth), I told her that if she ever got a Bible to start with the book of John.  It tells of Jesus birth (he was a baby) and his ministry for three and a half years.  Then I told her that would end my discussion of it.  Funny thing is at the end, she said I was her best patient!!  I think I'll get her a bible for my next dental appointment!!  Dr. Yu.

Isaiah 40New International Version (NIV)

Comfort for God’s People

Comfort, comfort my people,
    says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins.

5 And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
    and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

6 A voice says, “Cry out.”
    And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,
    and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
    Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    but the word of our God endures forever.”

21 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
    Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
    and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
    and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
    and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
    no sooner are they sown,
    no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
    and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

25 “To whom will you compare me?
    Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
    Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
    and calls forth each of them by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
    not one of them is missing.

28 Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

When Anger Makes You Run

Last week I sent an email to a group of friends outlining all the stress I'm under including more car repairs.  I said I was not asking for financial help.  I needed help with ideas, discernment and other options.

I received wisdom from one friend.  A financial gift from a new friend.  I became upset with the financial gift because I felt what I was asking for wasn't being honored.  Coming to the realization that God was answering my prayer, not by my rules, I reluctantly accepted the financial gift.

The next day was Palm Sunday.  I did not want to go to church.  I wanted to stay home and rest and not see or talk to anyone.  I had no desire to be where God was.  I was already angry at Him for many reasons and didn't want Him anywhere near me.

I walked through the doors, put my stuff down and went out into the atrium where I was told to see a member of my small group.  As I waited, I was greeted by lovely people.  When she saw me she reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope saying, "Someone wanted me to give this to you."  I could see money through the envelope.  My anger increased.

I walked to my seat.  Worship had started but I was not there.  Not in mind or spirit.  In fact, I felt like I was having a seizure - unable to communicate and unable to move.  My new friend, a woman I'm growing to love, was in the same row.  She scooted her way down the row when I caught a glimpse of her out of my right eye.  We hugged, she bent down to (I thought) move my bible, then she hugged me again.

I turned toward worship again then I turned my head to see if my Gatorade was there.  I saw her check folded up on my bible.  It was at that moment when the straw broke the camels back.  I became instantly angry, grabbed my stuff, did not make eye contact with anyone, walked out both sets of doors to my car steaming mad.  I opened my trunk, threw my bible in there with the check, took the envelope of money out of my pocket and threw it in there then slammed my trunk and starting walking away from the church.

When I was growing up and I'd stomp out of the house, my Dad would follow me.  He'd grab hold of my arm, jerk me around then yell at me.  I was stomping out of the house because my sister just had a tooth knocked out of her mouth by my other sister who was told to do it by my Dad.  I couldn't see my little sister who was bleeding from her mouth.  He yelled at me to get out of there so I did.

When I left church, I walked along a busy road tinkering with getting hit by a car.  I wanted to be independent but I'd settle for dead.  At least then my family would be taken care of financially and I'd be out of this hell hole of a world.  Yes, death sounded like the best idea I've had in a long time.

I'm fighting to be independent and people aren't listening.  I'm screaming out to receive ideas but only two respond, one of which I'm closest to.  People have their own agenda when people like me express troubles.  I don't want them to solve the problem for me.  I want them to come alongside me to talk, listen, let me cry and get all the yuck out.  In this case, money angered me to my core and I didn't want to live anymore.

I spent time with God, who I was also furious with, at a small park.  I found a golf ball with the word "MOJO" on it.  It made me smile.  I talked to God about how sick I am of being super smart with a brain that operates part-time and is in conflict with itself.  I told him how much I hated the money he's giving to me and he reminded me not to be mad at the givers.  I told him how much I want to come home and I cried saying those words.

Home....I just want to come home.
"It's not time yet, Amy."

I walked back to the church and confessed my behavior to my new friend.  She listened as I stumbled through what happened.  I still wasn't sure talking about it was the best idea.

In the end, I retrieved my bible, the check and the envelope from the back of the car.  I brought them into my house.  I received them with an attitude of gratitude.  Then I spent the rest of the day with another friend who listens and is helping me in so many ways.

I can't say I'm glad for that experience.
I can't say I won't do it again.
Running away is a false sense of safety.
I have to learn to run to safe.

No one can hug me or talk to me or pray for me when I runaway.

My new friend made in interesting statement.
She said something like, "You want me to be  25 feet away from you when you're scared."
I thought about it for a minute.
"No, I want you 25 feet closer to me but I'm afraid of having you too close."

Anger is an emotion that needs to be harnessed.
The more risks I take with safe people, the more comfortable I feel in taking those risks.
I pray that part of me continues to heal because I long to be hugged - not hit by a car.