Asking

Dear Father,

I seem to be struggling with some depression today.  Is it the book?  I wouldn't be surprised.  Friends have warned me and my therapist confirmed it.  I kept busy.  My right hip was hurting pretty bad.  Thank you for the handicapped placard.  I needed it today.

I've been seeing a lot of Stephanie lately.  I think I'm healing more from that relationship.  It was good until it turned mean then I had to walk away.  Seeing her now brings up memories of abandonment.  If that was the ONLY symptom I had I'd still be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  The fear I live with is really something.  One might say it's ginormous.

Bill is teaching this weekend.  I'm still debating whether or not to go to church or watch on the Internet.  I feel like I need to make some additions to the writing I've done so far.  Then I need to make two copies.  I want to keep writing.  Am I pushing myself too hard, too fast?  I need to listen for your guidance.

Tomorrow I'll spend time at the library.  It's a safe place to write and not be disturbed.  I need to work on my budget and pay some bills.  Please guide me so I don't freak out.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Thank You

Dear God,

Thank you for a day of rest.  Thank you for no back pain.  Thank you for friends where we share in each other's lives.  Thank you for my family I've grown to love more.  Thank you for our relationship no matter how close or how far I am from you.  Thank you for Carol's love and heartfelt counseling.  Thank you for Faith's bravery and gentleness as she speaks truth to me.  Thank you for the tears I've shed as I heal from my past.  Thank you for the tears I shed for those who have died.  Thank you for the tears I shed when I'm all locked up and emotions won't flow.  Thank you.

Thank you for my home.  Thank you for my car.  Thank you for my kitties.  Thank you for my clothes.  Thank you for my shower.  Thank you for my Bibles.  Thank you for my books.  Thank you for my DVDs.  Thank you for my pictures.  Thank you for my laptop.  Thank you for my fans.  Thank you for my basic needs being met.  Thank you.

Thank you for your creation.  Thank you for trees.  Thank you for rivers and lakes.  Thank you for blue skies.  Thank you for hiking paths.  Thank you for forest preserves.  Thank you for camping.  Thank you for fishing.  Thank you for deer.  Thank you for turtles that walk across the road.  Thank you for the sound of coyotes.  Thank you for the northern lights.  Thank you for colors.  Thank you for peaceful surroundings.  Thank you.

Thank you for solitude.
Thank you for reflection.
Thank you for quiet times.
Thank you for promptings.

Your grateful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Book Confession

Dear God,

Are you pleased with what and how I'm writing?  

Faith is right.  I feel discouraged.  Not from anything she said but from my own voice talking about it.  It really wasn't a dream.  I fought and survived a violent upbringing.  You keep reminding me that the age of fourteen is coming.  Just like on Good Friday when you remind us Sunday is coming.

I feel naked and exposed.  It feels normal.  If feels familiar.  So did growing up in that environment.  It's all I knew.  It was horrible.  A few good things sprinkled here and there did not make up for the bruises, emptiness, huge fear of abandonment and shutting down my emotions.  

Healing?  More pain.  More writing.  More letting friends read it.  

Faith wants to talk about it on Monday.  Please prepare me so I don't shut down.  You placed her in my life as my therapist for this season of my journey.  I trust your provision and I trust her.  I'm struggling with trusting myself.

I'm self-injuring in my mouth most of the time.  I'm pressing down very hard.  I'm not overeating.  I'm eating two sandwiches and two-three fruits a day.  That seems to be enough.  I'm not depressed or suicidal.  I'm not hiding or parking myself on the couch.  I'm holding a pillow when I go to sleep.  

Father, I want to heal.  I know the memories won't go away.  I'd like to have very little emotions attached to them, if that's possible.  I want to purge my story, let others help put it together and offer it up to you.  That's silly.  I've already offered it up to you!  

Please bring me peace.  I'm hurting inside.

Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen

I'm Amazed

Dear God,

Today has been a good day, a normal day.

I'm a little concerned about lack of sleep.  I have been staying awake until 1-3 a.m. for the past few weeks.  Then I'm waking up between 7-8 a.m.  What is going on?  

I listened to Laurie's voicemail.  I was still scared but I did it anyway.  I had to remind myself that she couldn't hurt me because her voice was a recording.  It turned out to be the opposite of my fear.  She apologized and gave me kudos for saying what I said.  I wrote her another email and apologized for thinking the worst of her.  I had no evidence to back it up.  I'm breathing a sigh of relief.  I'm so glad she is more mature than I am.

My friend Kim (a friend since first grade) sent an email after she read your book.  Here's what she had to say: 

Oh Amy....so many emotions are stirred inside of me. I wish I would have known. So many of the children (and me) were dealing with our own hell. You have a knack for remembering things and sharing them from the heart. I am so lucky you trust me.

love you 

After reading Kim's response and Anne's response, I'm feeling a nudge from your Holy Spirit to pray for my readers.  I don't know what it's like to read a story like mine when you know the person deeply and have loved them through some tough stuff.

I feel undeserving of your love, of their love, of any love at all.

Here's a well loved song that always draws me closer to You.

Your amazed daughter,

Amy Kathleen 

Blessings

Dear God,

Today has been filled with activity from morning until now, 12:26 a.m.  From taking care of Cao and Carl, then to my sisters to wash laundry, writing your book through the most difficult abuse recollection, back to Cao and Carl, mowing a dear friend's yard, resting my back (it's okay now - thank you), saying good-bye to my cute Cao then arriving home during some lightening and a little rain.  I came home with green feet because I mowed the lawn in my sandals.  I was also quite dirty so I jumped into the shower while my laptop uninstalled a program.  The concern I have is that I'm wide awake.

Lord, I'm getting excited about your book.  I sent the first 20 pages to the friends who want to read it and help me tell my story in detail.  I'm waiting to talk about Your presence.  It's going to be awhile but still, I can't wait!  You are the best gift I've ever received!!  Bragging about You is going to be so filling, for me and I hope for whoever reads the book.

I know it's too early for a title.  Still, my mind is searching for a simple one.  One to three words with a subtitle.  I dunno.

Lord, I need help with my mental health bill.  It's up to just over $900.  I'm waiting to see if Medicaid has processed my Alexian bill for October/November so my spenddown will be met.  If so, it should reduce the bill a little bit and cover most of Dr. Didenko's bill.  I hate not having a secondary insurance plan.  Please help me to budget my check so all expenses can be met, including the $100 ticket from Lakemoor.  That's such a pain in the butt.  However, I am stopping longer at red lights.  :)

Please bless and protect my friend Marie.  Give Kim some good days she can attribute to Your presence in her life.  Help Anne to find some quiet time.  Remind Jo of Your outrageous love for her and Your provision for her family.  Please protect my family and give everyone some rest.  Watch over Chelsea - I'm trying not to worry about her.  Comfort my friend Soni.  Her heart hurts and is very heavy.  Help me to do your will one day at a time.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Memorial Day

In remembrance of my Uncle Eddie who served our country in Vietnam.  He and so many others throughout history gave selflessly to protect us and our freedoms.  I'll never know the high price they paid in battle.  For I am one of the many millions benefiting from their sacrifice.  Memorial Day, to me, is to always remember each soldier has a face and a name and is loved/missed by someone.  May God bless each and every one of our heroes.

Rainy Sunday

It seems to be time for an extended rest.  This includes watching movies, possibly cutting a friend's grass and spending time with my little buddy Cao.  He brings me so much joy!

I've been thinking about the next segment in God's book.  I have a couple more experiences to write about in the third grade.  Then it's on to fourth grade.  I must print what I have thus far.  I'm sure there are important parts of my beginning that I am missing.

My back is still a bit on the rocks.  It seems going from a sitting position to standing is a bit tricky.  I think I've figured out the strategy.  It takes a couple of minutes to stand up right.  I think walking has been helping.  It's not locking up like it was a couple of days ago.

My appetite has decreased.  Or it's what "normal" is.  I'm rather liking it.

Back to rest.