Since then my psychiatrist and I have been trying to find a medication that addresses a specific symptom that doesn't trip me out, doesn't make me eat everything not nailed down or have me sleeping all day. Since I, like many others, am sensitive to medications, we go very slow. If the side effects are manageable and tolerable we move forward by adding a little nudge upward in the amount of medication I'm taking.
With this latest one, so far, so good. It's been almost four months. I'm feeling a little more alert although I still nod off during the day, friends say, "I can see and hear the old Amy coming back," and I notice it's easier to handle difficult situations. I simply do what I can do and leave the rest to God. I can't fix the world even if there are people I love and care about in the world. If it's meant to be, God will orchestrate it. If not, He will lead me to grieve like I have been. I can't do that when I'm not properly medicated.
I believe I'll always be taking medication because my brain chemicals are a mess. I don't mind. Sometimes being a guinea pig is what you have to do in order to get yourself to a place of functioning. The ride to the destination may not be fun and waiting in line may be boring but really, what are the alternatives?
Write those down for yourself.
Think about the alternatives you've chosen. Did they work?
Mine haven't.
In fact, it wasn't until I was able to get on medication that I was able to stay sober and lose 35 pounds. I have a seven year coin in my pocket that I have earned. I've cried it into being, fought for it and my right to be alive, I've listened to stories of other drunks or closet drinkers and I've prayed to God, begging for help.
No one said this would be easy and no one wants to hear my whining. Get into action and do something about what's causing the problem no matter how much hard word it takes.
You and I are worth it!
