Sand Art

So I'm not sure if changing the medication is helping.  I stayed inside all day and just now (5:30 pm) opened a window for some fresh air.  I've been reading a lot of stuff on the internet.  Nothing harmful.  It's my only source for news and what not.

A nice lady dropped off some cat food for my babies.  Her cats didn't like it.  Mine are gobbling it up.

Tomorrow I go to the airport to pick up my family.  That will be a nice ride.

My church is celebrating 38 years (1975).  I started 12 years later in 1987.  What an incredible blessing Willow Creek Community Church has been to me and my family.  All of us have a relationship with God through Jesus.

I really don't have much to say.  I guess that will have to be okay.  Here's a little something:

Inside Depression

I've seen cartoons where depression is this blob that suctions itself to a person.  I've been carrying that blob for over three weeks.  My blob brings suicidal thoughts which are not at all helpful.

Found this:

Basically my friend Kim said this a couple days ago.  It's one of the signs that depression is taking a toll on my thoughts and mood.  Suicidal thoughts are fleeting and at times comforting.

But I'm not supposed to say stuff like that - ever.  It can get me admitted into a psych hospital.  For those who do not struggle with this side of depression, it helps to talk about it.  Otherwise it becomes a dark monster, like the depression blob.

I don't want to go outside.  I don't want to be in public.  I don't want to keep lying by saying, "I'm fine," and yet I don't want to talk about it either.  I wouldn't know what to say.

Just for today I will keep myself safe.
It's the best gift I can give.

World Mental Health Day

How many times have I felt completely isolated and alone in my illness?  More than I want to admit.  So often I've pulled back from a lot of people in order to not injure them.  Verbally, not physically.

Mental illness includes major depressive disorder, anxiety, panic, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcohol and food addiction and agoraphobia. There are many other mental illnesses.

Learning about your illness or about the illness of a friend or loved one is important for knowing what you're dealing with.  Some illnesses have overlapping symptoms.  Others are distinct only to that illness.

In my own illnesses I have found the more information I have, the better off I am.  It gives me the words I need to communicate clearly to my therapist and psychiatrist  It gives me some coping tools so I can slow down the negative effects.  It gives me a sense of hope even in my darkest hour.

Mental Illness is not the end all of diagnosis'.  Once identified, it's the beginning of the right kind of treatment. Treatment includes medication, therapy, support groups and hospitalization.  Without this information it's very difficult to move forward on the path of recovery.

Dear God, please help me become aware when the medication is no longer working.  Help me reach out when reaching out is difficult and to take the hard steps of getting what I need.  I know you are with me but sometimes I feel so alone.  Honestly Lord, I want to be alone.  I don't want to subject anyone else to my world of crazies.
I love you with all my heart.
Love Amy

WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY ARTICLE

Dealing With Depression

There's something about depression that is familiar each time it strikes.  I feel very tired, don't want to leave the house, cancel all appointments and feel sad.  Not the crying kind of sad but sad.

I didn't want to go outside yesterday but I had to drive to the bank.  I didn't walk to the mailbox because I felt exposed.  I shut my house up today and haven't opened the windows.  It's a beautiful day yet I'm living it from the inside.

I'm not hungry but I know I should eat. I don't care about measuring my meals but I think I will anyway.  A shower would probably feel good but I don't really love myself enough to take that risk  What risk?  Walking through the fear of being exposed.

Why does exposure create such a large panic monster in me?  Probably some abuse.  Believe me, I don't want to remember all of my childhood.  I think it would be too much.

Canceled appointment with Faith.  Couldn't pull myself together mentally to even get dressed or bolster up the courage to leave the house.  I'm not self-injuring because it doesn't help with depression.  It's not like I'm stuck in an unidentifiable feeling.

No, feeling downcast is not fun.  I think I'll open my windows.  Maybe I'll walk to the mailbox.

I see Dr. Didenko tomorrow.  Going to ask if we can increase the Effexor.  I've been struggling with this consistently for two weeks.  Could just be a medication thing.

Here's hoping.

Depression Screaming

I know what crying on the inside feels like.  There's a concave feeling near my heart, A pit, if you will. It seems very far away like I can't get the sadness out.  So, I wear a mask.  My mask of smiling like everything is okay. 

But there's this other emotion I can't put a name to.  I suspect it's similar to other emotions hiding from the outside.  I can't identify the one that makes me scream on the inside.

It's not frustration or anger.  It's not fear or being afraid.  It's more like a panicky nervous movement of my head and shoulders and then the scream in my head.  Sometimes it's frequent.  

I wonder if this has to do with hearing voices.  I'll have to ask my psychiatrist.  Sometimes the body movement feels uncontrollable.  It's weird.

Fear of Going Outside

I'm trying to work through the fear of leaving the house and going "out there."  I'm trying to work through the fear of having lunch with a dear friend tomorrow.  The body feelings are the same:  panicky, nervous, shaky, stomach tenses, feet a little numb.  Want to curl up on the couch and hide.

This is a frequent occurrence.  I don't like to go places by myself too often.  Not unless I know for sure I'll be safe (sisters house, therapist office, library).  These are environments where I know nothing bad will happen to me.  And if my safety would be threatened, I would have people watching out for me.  I wouldn't be alone trying to defend myself.

Since I've felt this way for a few days, I'm going to send my friend a note.  She knows this happens and understands why I have to change it.  I'm just not up for being in too much public.  In fact, I feel better already.

Breathe.  I need to do more of it.