Real Feelings

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday.  I have no reason to mourn his death and no reason to celebrate his life.  It's simply another day on the calendar.

I spent a significant amount of time talking to a dear friend about my book.  She gave me some very helpful suggestions which I am going to follow.  She's a gift from God - one of those gifts I truly treasure.

I love God, I love His plan for this book and I love how He is surrounding me with the right women.

I'm very blessed.  One week of no self-injury!

Resting and Self-Injury

Today I rested.  Then I rested.  And after that, I rested.

I'm taking it easy to reduce stress.  Stress in my body, my thoughts and anywhere else I'm holding onto stress.  I'm laying down, catching up on the news, reading a book, making brownies (yum) and the day isn't over yet.  I have two tasks to accomplish:  Clean out the cat boxes and empty the car trunk.

My goal for the weekend is to write an outline about the chapter on Erik.  Then I'm going to put a calendar together so I can keep myself on track for finishing the book by the end of the year.  I figure four months should be plenty of time especially since most of the hard stuff has been written.

My body is back to shaking.  Not sure why but it's from head to toe. Other days it's been on the right side only.  Maybe this is one of the side effects of not self-injuring.

An upbeat reminder from Katy Perry.

Rick and Kay Warren

For today I've decided to share Pastor Rick and Kay Warren's story when they found their mentally ill son, Matthew, dead from suicide this past April.  This is a very moving testimony.  Very real and very honest.

My prayer is that this will cause you to think of mental illness in a different light or expand your knowledge. It's very affirming for me as I struggle with depression, borderline personality disorder, suicidal thoughts and other mental illnesses.

Receive from God what He wants you to learn.

Click here:  How We're Getting Through

Urges To Self-Injure

I'm tired after a long day filled with activity.  One of the reasons I'm on disability is because my body doesn't feel well and my mind doesn't work well.  It's not an excuse to self-injure - just reality.

Thanks be to God I am still injury free.  I'm feeling a lot of stress and my thoughts are a little scary.  I'm reading a book by Donald Miller.  He speaks about never knowing his dad and presently not wanting to know him.  It stirred up some uncomfortable feelings, memories of abuse and how grateful I am that my dad has passed away.

He also talks about story and has a very easygoing way of telling his process of learning what story is all about.  I'm intrigued.  I'm hooked.  I'm reading the book slowly and might read it a second time.

I see Faith tomorrow.  I'm very glad.

Self-Injury 12 Steps

Indeed, this day was not as hard.  I have been focusing on other things and not getting fully absorbed in the urge to self-injure.  The urges aren't gone.  I'm keeping myself alert so I can redirect my thoughts.  I'm trying to identify feelings when those urges are stirred up.  I haven't been able to identify every one yet I am still capable of keeping myself safe.  Who'd a thought?

Here are the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with gentle changes for self-injury.  Having been in 12 step groups for 32 years I felt this was the best tool for recovery.  They are helping and so are the slogans of 12 step groups.

The Twelve Steps for Self-Injury

 (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous)

     1.     We admitted we were powerless over our urges to self-injure and that self-injuring caused our lives to become unmanageable.

2.     Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.     Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.     Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.     Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of why we self-injure and how it has damaged our lives.

6.     Were entirely ready to have God remove all these reasons and replace them with positive thoughts, feelings behaviors and self love.

7.     Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings so we can enjoy a recovered life.

8.     Made a list of all persons we had harmed, including ourselves and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.     Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong or returned to self-injury, promptly admitted it to God, ourselves and another human being.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other self injurers and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Slogans:  Let Go and Let God.....This Too Shall Pass.....Easy Does It.....How Important Is It.....First Things First.....One Day At A Time.....Keep It Simple.....We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets.

Abstaining From Self-Injury

It's working!  I declared Friday my first day of abstinence from self-injury.  I'm living with no cutting or biting or pulling out my hair just like I live without alcohol.

Eventually, the challenges from stopping will surface.  When they do I plan to apply the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I'm not trying to over simplify.  I want to have a plan in place.

My mouth is still active but I'm not biting down.  I catch myself starting to do it then I quickly stop.  I'm noticing it when I'm a little stressed or my thoughts are taking over.

Just wanted to say it's day 3 and I'm doing okay.  Thanks to my therapist who got into my face a few times at my last session.  I heard you and now I'm doing something about it!