As I prepare to write chapter two of the book, it was suggested I devote an entire chapter to Erik. Who's Erik? Glad you asked.
If you've read previous entries you're familiar with some of the abuse I survived. Erik is a personality I developed as a coping mechanism. He arrived when I was eight years old. That's after I had already been sexually abused and when the physical abuse started to get bad. Okay, is physical abuse ever good? I trust you know what I mean.
In an effort to make him more relateable I'm hoping to be able to identify his characteristics, personality, belief system and purpose for staying with me for over three decades. It would also be interesting to include his take on God.
Stay tuned!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Anger, Aggression, Hate
Those words best describe how I'm feeling right now.
They don't have a trigger - at least not one I can find.
I feel like slipping off into a no thought zone.
I wish there were such a place.
(Half an hour later...)
After writing the above I decided I needed a pick me up.
Where else do you go but to YouTube?
I love the movie Despicable Me.
I found the Banana song:
and the best dance:
Since my "feelings" weren't helping me move forward, I decided to put them on a shelf until I meet with Faith in a few hours. That's my plan and it's a darn good one!
They don't have a trigger - at least not one I can find.
I feel like slipping off into a no thought zone.
I wish there were such a place.
(Half an hour later...)
After writing the above I decided I needed a pick me up.
Where else do you go but to YouTube?
I love the movie Despicable Me.
I found the Banana song:
and the best dance:
Since my "feelings" weren't helping me move forward, I decided to put them on a shelf until I meet with Faith in a few hours. That's my plan and it's a darn good one!
Monday, June 24, 2013
Storm Stress
This is not my picture. I found it on Google Images.
It's a derecho cloud formation. It's similar to what I saw in the sky as I stood outside my house today:
Click here to read about derechoes including videos
I have storm stress.
When I was four years old my parents shuffled my sisters and I into our basement. My dad was listening to the scanner. I was frightened because my parents were concerned about a tornado that was heading toward our small town. They kept us away from the windows. I remember the color of the basement, my parents talking to one another and sitting very still.
I believe the fear I feel today whenever I see the sky turn that freakish green or the clouds moving in strange ways stems from this experience. I grew up in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Throughout my childhood it was drilled into us (if there was bad weather expected during the night) to keep our pants and shoes near our bed so we could put them on or grab them as we took cover. That was my storm reality.
When our power went out my mom was prepared. She always had candles, matches and flashlights. I don't remember a storm without them. My dad kept watch of the sky. If the color changed he warned us of what might be coming. If the wind was kicking up and we were under a tornado watch my dad would open all the windows. He said if a tornado came it was less likely to pick up our house because the wind could blow right through it.
Our hiding place was either the crawl space or the big bathroom. We would pile into the bathtub and bring our animals in the bathroom with us. There were no windows in the bathroom. We would be safe.
Some of the nightmares I still have are of tornadoes lifting our house off the foundation and spinning it counter clockwise. I can hear the wind howl, feel the pressure in the house and feel the lift as I sit on the floor in our bathroom. Sometimes my sisters are in the house, sometimes it's just my mom and I and other times I'm saving my animals. Every dream feels as real as it gets.
Fortunately, that day when I was four years old, the tornado hit a neighborhood about a mile down the road. We were fortunate.
The stress I feel every time the weather gets scary is something I've had to deal with my whole life. I think if I had a storm shelter I would feel much better. Maybe someday.
It's a derecho cloud formation. It's similar to what I saw in the sky as I stood outside my house today:
Click here to read about derechoes including videos
I have storm stress.
When I was four years old my parents shuffled my sisters and I into our basement. My dad was listening to the scanner. I was frightened because my parents were concerned about a tornado that was heading toward our small town. They kept us away from the windows. I remember the color of the basement, my parents talking to one another and sitting very still.
I believe the fear I feel today whenever I see the sky turn that freakish green or the clouds moving in strange ways stems from this experience. I grew up in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Throughout my childhood it was drilled into us (if there was bad weather expected during the night) to keep our pants and shoes near our bed so we could put them on or grab them as we took cover. That was my storm reality.
When our power went out my mom was prepared. She always had candles, matches and flashlights. I don't remember a storm without them. My dad kept watch of the sky. If the color changed he warned us of what might be coming. If the wind was kicking up and we were under a tornado watch my dad would open all the windows. He said if a tornado came it was less likely to pick up our house because the wind could blow right through it.
Our hiding place was either the crawl space or the big bathroom. We would pile into the bathtub and bring our animals in the bathroom with us. There were no windows in the bathroom. We would be safe.
Some of the nightmares I still have are of tornadoes lifting our house off the foundation and spinning it counter clockwise. I can hear the wind howl, feel the pressure in the house and feel the lift as I sit on the floor in our bathroom. Sometimes my sisters are in the house, sometimes it's just my mom and I and other times I'm saving my animals. Every dream feels as real as it gets.
Fortunately, that day when I was four years old, the tornado hit a neighborhood about a mile down the road. We were fortunate.
The stress I feel every time the weather gets scary is something I've had to deal with my whole life. I think if I had a storm shelter I would feel much better. Maybe someday.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
I Have A Hope
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above ye heavenly host.
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."
My prayer today is that one day I will be able to receive all the blessings God wants to give to me.
May this be your prayer, too.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above ye heavenly host.
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost."
My prayer today is that one day I will be able to receive all the blessings God wants to give to me.
May this be your prayer, too.
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