A God Day

2 Cor 3:18 "And we, who with unveiled faces reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

It's a good day.   I did not have insomnia last night.   I slept 9 hours!   I was able to get up with a little bit of energy.  Ate a balanced breakfast and lunch.  Got out of the house for a few hours.   No SI urges - at all.
  

It's important to have these kinds of days.  Though they may be few and far between, days of functionality are important to this person in recovery.  I know it is a gift from God.  After all, He created this day, He created me and just for today I can receive His gift of life.

I am a witness that God is in the business of transformation.  I am not the same person I was four years ago never mind 20 years ago or more.  I am very glad.  The person I used to be was looking to others for validation, acceptance, meaning and love.  I was codependent, actively drinking, a Christian - yes - but very mixed up inside.  In a lot of ways I was so lost.

When I heard about God's invitation to be in a forever relationship with Him through Jesus, I wondered why He would want me.  Think about it.  Here's God, all powerful, all knowing, wanting a relationship with me.  He knew how broken I was and how desperately I needed His healing.  He also knew I was on the road to being separated from Him and that Jesus was my only hope.

After a few months of authenticating that message, it was made clear to me that indeed, He was pursuing me.  Not for His gain, but for mine.  It was 26 years ago this month that I began that journey of unshakable faith.  My church, Willow Creek Community Church, has been instrumental in my faith development and depth. 

A God day.  One that is filled with thoughts of Him and His provision.  That's how I want all my days to be - even on the more difficult days.  Especially on the more difficult days.

It Took Three Hours

In recovery, I've been asked, "How far are you willing to go to get better?" Some days I'm willing to go the extra mile.  Other days rolling out of bed and putting my feet on the floor is a small miracle.

This morning the depression and SI urges were winning the battle.  I gave all my worries to God.  Then I distracted myself by surfing the Internet, writing, listening to music and BAM!  Suddenly I felt my mood get lighter and dare I say, a bit happier?

 I'm committed to letting God make me into a new person who can:

1. Manage the impulses
2. Dissuade irrational thoughts
3. Ask for help
4. Not let emotions take over
5. Select  something from my supply of coping skills

Whew!  I'm proud of myself.  Recovery isn't easy.  With four years of sobriety and almost two months of resisting SI urges, I can proclaim it's well worth the fight.  

Only God!

A cool video I watched from the movie, "Pitch Perfect."   This version is not in the movie.

Fat Amy

When I weighed myself on Tuesday, I was disappointed to see a 3 pound weight gain.  That brings my weight loss of 25 lbs down to 15.  It may not seem like much but believe me, it is.

In the movie Pitch Perfect, one of the characters calls herself, "Fat Amy."  She does this to ward off name calling by the skinny girls.  That way they know she knows they are talking about her weight behind her back.  Brilliant!

My head is really messed up.  I'm having insomnia again.  I'm screaming in my head.  I'm sure it's a contributing factor.  On Thursday I'm going to start a modified weight watchers plan.  I want to go to an OA meeting or at least hit my AA meeting Saturday morning.

I was looking for a comic that was truthful.  Here's what I found:

Dr. J, Fitness

I starting thinking about the word "fat."  I thought of Fearing A Lot of Things.  I think that's true.  It feels true.  Have to take a mental step back from therapy.  Assessment is way to much to process, remember details from a year or more ago and relinquish talking about what's going on in the here and now.  There must be a better way.

I started an online Bible study in the book of John. It has a listening option so I don't have to read it to myself.  Better for my head.  Bible reading plans can be found here:  Bible Reading Plans

Hopefully, God will help me get some sleep.

Being Myself

"My gaze is fixed upon you, Lord, my eyes they squint to see,
The beauty of your holiness, of love and purity.
Though troubled times have come and gone,
Alone I will no longer be,
For you have placed within my heart,
A longing to be free."   Amy Endler

This is one of those days when capturing my thoughts is as elusive as trying to catch a chicken.

Being myself involves acceptance, knowledge, courage and perseverance.

• Accepting my limitations and not living a life of shame or defeat
• Knowledge that I have the tools to live a healthy life and apply them
• Courage to face the battles that put my faith to the test
• Perseverance to do the last 10% or initiate new healing

Sometimes, all I can do is look up and say, "Here I Am, Lord.  Your Servant Is Listening."

• Stilling my mind so I can hear His still small voice
• Submitting to His will without much fuss
• Keeping His plan for me at the forefront of my mind
• Staying humble in my calling to attract others to Him

Sometimes I sense His reply, "That's just where I want you, my daughter."

• Seeking Him through prayer and meditation
• Reading my Bible regularly so He can speak to me through His Word
• Staying in prayer so I stay on track
• Seeking godly counsel from trusted followers who know me

I want to discover who I am,

So that I can be who I am,

and enjoy who I am becoming. 

May Beth Moore's message tickle you.

Depression

It's one of those days when I can't sleep the night before and feel tired all day.  Some good stuff happens when I get out of the house.  I pulled myself together to have lunch with my nephew.

I reached out to other members of my family.  I made myself stay longer to visit.  We went for a walk with the dog so I could get some fresh air and maybe breathe in some of those positive endorphins.

I get home.  I'm still tired.  I catch up on social media connections.  I'm waiting for the Bears game.

Depression has begun to sink in.  Probably a 5 out of 10.  This is one of those times when I climb into my pajamas, get a blanket, snuggle with my pillow and kitties and check out of everything to do with the world.

It was a very violent weekend around the globe.  It frightens me that humankind can be utterly cruel to each other.  No value for a life.  Just a target for death and destruction.

"Lord, we need you.  Let those of us who are your followers know what to do.  Sometimes praying seems so passive.  I know you are active and alive in this world.  I guess I feel like Satan is winning.  You've reminded me that his head will be squished into the ground, flattened like a pancake.  If you could please destroy some of his army of demons, I know many of us would be very grateful.  I trust in You, Abba Father.  You're all I need.  You're all any of us need."

Help the Poor

"Lord, if I do one thing in my life, let it be easing the suffering of Your children."

Ever since I can remember, I've felt a calling to help the poor.  I'm very fortunate to be plugged into a church that shares my passion.  There's nothing like being plugged into the right electrical source.  

Do you feel the same way?  If so, I've put together some compassion suggestions. I'm not a spokesperson nor do I receive any compensation.  I'm sharing my own experience.

If you are able, please step up and give or serve.  I've seen first hand when God's children change from despair  to joy.  Like Bill Hybels, Senior Pastor at Willow Creek Community Church says:

"There's nothing that touches me more deeply than watching God transform a life. All I really want is to be used by God to watch him transform more human lives and destinies."  (GLS 2013)  

If you want to give toward drilling for water in desolate lands:

Water 4 Organization

Sandi Patty teams up with Water 4

If you want to help through microloan initiaves:

Kiva

If you want to volunteer to make MannaPacks:

Feed My Starving Children

If you want to sponsor a child:

Compassion International or

World Vision

If you want to give to a justice ministry:

Willow Creek Community Church or

International Justice Mission

Some of the images can be disturbing.  Nothing graphic - just sad reality.