Changing Old to New

I just finished watching the movie, "Machine Gun Preacher."
It wasn't what I expected which means it was better.
It's rated R so skip the scene after he gets released from prison (the car scene) and there's some drug use and language but after that it's mostly gun stuff.

This movie is based on the true life story of Sam Childers.
His journey toward God, with God and then hearing God's purpose for his life is nothing short of miraculous.
I believe all of us have had or can have that kind of encounter with God.

God doesn't look for people who are perfect, have it all together or don't need His help.
He loves them just the same but people who leave God's will out of their plans will miss out on the full life He wants to give to them.

Jesus hung out with the sick.
Jesus hung out with the corrupt.
He even hung out with prostitutes.

For me, Jesus is hanging out with someone who has mental illness.
Someone who is a recovering alcoholic.
A woman who has an eating disorder and self-injures though not by cutting.

I need Him several times a day so I can get to my purpose.
Thankfully I don't have to travel to another continent to write my book.
Still, there are days I feel I'm wandering aimlessly down the beaten path.

God is in the business of snatching us up out of sinful behaviors and replacing them with life giving behaviors.  All we have to do is invite Him in and give those new behaviors a try.

I'm so glad He's never content leaving me just as I am.

Depression and Housework

Let's face it.
Anyone who is depressed does not want to do housework.
Dishes stack up even though the dishwasher works.
Clothes are laying around.
The garbage is ripe enough to walk out on its own.

We're embarrassed.
We feel guilty.
We don't know what to do so we do.....nothing.

"Nothing" is the same as nonexistence, emptiness, no part, no trace.

Sound familiar?  Those words also describe depression.

I've been living with depression since I was in my early teens.  I'm in my mid forties and I'm still learning how to make progress with the housework.

Here are some things I do:

1.  When the dishes stack up, I have a couple of options.  Since I don't have a dishwasher and each of my sisters do, I can put my dishes into garbage bags and bring them to their house.  I have a clean set of garbage bags to bring them home.
2.  If I can't get to one of my sisters homes, I make a plan of attack.  I organize the dishes into groups (silverware and utensils, plates, round things, plastic containers, all cups then pots and pans).  I tell myself to go in that order, just one at a time.  If I get the silverware done that day, great.  If I feel like I can do more, I do more.  If not, I've met my goal.
3.  I've made a decision to change my clothes only in the bathroom.  It keeps my clothes in one place where I can scoop them up and bring them to my laundry hamper.
4.  Since I have cats it's important that I throw away the waste bag when it's full.  I am physically capable of doing this and it will keep my environment smelling clean.
5.  I hired my sister to come in once a month and do some of the more difficult cleaning.  She needs the money, I need the help and we get to spend a couple hours together.  I feel much better asking for the help.

Depression is a downer.
It tells us not to do anything that will make us feel better.
Even if we're struggling, it's important to fight back.

My depression hasn't gone away because I've done these things.
You know what has gone away?

The clutter, the mess and my guilt.

A Friend and a Meal

I'm meeting a dear friend for dinner.
She started a new job at the beginning of the year.
We haven't had a deep conversation in a few weeks.
I find I'm a little anxious.

The anxiety comes from socializing.
My fear is the mental illness will show up.
Another fear is I'll say something off the wall.
I don't recall it happening for awhile.



I always have to remind myself that she loves me.
She's seen a lot and has chosen to stay.
Her friendship feels warm and safe.
It's okay if something weird happens.

Most of the time I try to think about what to talk about.
This time I have quite a bit.
I need her counsel.
She's easy to ask for advice.

I do a lot of listening.
It's amazing how comfortable she feels talking to me.
I don't give myself enough credit.
I'm her friend.

I'm trying to relax.
She'll be here to pick me up.
I'm using some coping tools.
I'm going to be just fine.

Thank you, God, for my dear friend.

Conflict with Therapist

I've been in therapy for thirty-two years.  Not every week. Not with the same person.

There comes a time, in every relationship, when someone says something hurtful or behaves in a way that hurts us.  It happens in friendships, with family, co-workers, church relationships and certainly in therapy relationships.

The first time it happened was with my first therapist and I was very surprised.  I don't remember the context.  I remember the feelings.  I felt defensive.  I felt angry.  I felt labeled.

My way of coping with those emotions was to get up and walk out of the session.  I walked out of the office building directly to my car.  Once I was in my car I started crying.  I was crying because I did not feel listened to, affirmed for the work I was doing and labeled wrong.  After all, if my therapist didn't get me, who would?

Those same kinds of issues and feelings repeated themselves with my second and third therapists. Fortunately, it happened at the tail end of my time with the second therapist and near the beginning of the third therapist.

I felt the safest with the third therapist.  We'd already established a healthy relating pattern because I was in the outpatient day program.  Even though I was incredibly scared to tell her she had hurt me, I took the risk because I knew she would be able to receive it and take ownership of it.  That's exactly what she did.

That conversation paved the way for my therapy sessions to go deeper into some unexplored territory that would be crucial to my healing.  I trusted her with more of the abuse, details I hadn't shared with anyone.  She proved to be completely trustworthy every step of the way.

The therapist I have today is trustworthy and the safety is growing.  However, yesterday I plunged into a crater.  From the get go I was having cognitive difficulties finding two words to form a sentence.  Not far into the session I said I was having trouble with my eating.  I was told, "We'll get to that but I want to talk about this first."  I was a little upset but decided to see where she was going.

It turns out she wanted to work on some fears I was having, what they were based on and how facts could alleviate them.  At first I was able to keep up but then I hit a mental wall.  It ended up being frustrating because my brain wasn't working right.  I didn't say anything to her which was a mistake.  I don't know why I didn't say something.  Instead, I watched the clock and played with my water cup.

She continued talking and I stopped listening.  She tried to reengage me.  I answered her questions but really, I was done.  I didn't feel angry or frustrated or really anything.  I wast numb.  In answering one of her questions I let her know I was done with this session.  She asked if we were okay and I said, "Sure."  She wasn't convinced.

Sometimes when I'm feeling "gone," there can be a conflict but I don't have much emotion.  I've learned to distract myself and sort it out privately.  Are we okay?  Yes, I don't lie, especially about that.

I put some healthy behaviors into place:

1. Before I left, I scheduled my sessions for all of next month.  I don't plan on quitting just because there's a little conflict.  I used to do that with other therapists.  I've learned I have to figure it out so we can talk about it.  My therapist is a godly woman who seeks the Holy Spirit's guidance with all her heart.  She is not the type of person who purposely hurts people. She wants to know what happened so we can learn from it.  Because I know this about her, I have to tell her the truth no matter what feelings get triggered inside of me.
2. I decided to write her a letter telling her how the session was from my chair.  I'll bring that to my next session so we can talk about it.  It's the right thing to do.
3. I continue to ask God to give me insight into what was going on with me.  
4. I ask God to give me courage to talk about feelings that are uncomfortable.

As I behave more like a responsible adult and less like a wounded child, not only will my self-confidence increase but my self-care behaviors will increase as well.

I want my relationship with my therapist, all my relationships, to live in a state of reconciliation. There's no reason why they can't.  As long as I commit to keeping my side of the street clean and stay willing to let others tell me the truth about how I've hurt them, all will be good.

When Fear Overtakes Action

Ann Voskamp:  "Hey You? You don’t have to say anything. Explain anything, excuse anything. I just wanted you to know we cheer you on, that we see the way you hurt & the way you keep on going." 

My heart has a deep longing to hear those words.  I live with a lot of fear.  Some of the fears I have stem from past experiences.

Here are some of them:

1. Someone busting through my door
2. Being in a serious car accident
3. Dying in a car accident
4. Attacked in the dark
5. Raped
6. Trapped with no way out
7. Beating someone up and losing control
8. Shooting someone
9. Living like a hermit
10. Disssociating from healthy relationships

Each of these fears have a memory attached to them:

1. My Dad stomping toward my bedroom and flinging my door open so hard it crashed into my metal closet doors and knocked the light off the wall then broke the light bulb.  I was 12.
2. In August of 1992 I was on my way to work when I had to stop suddenly.  The truck behind me didn't see we were slowing down.  I tried to avoid him by pulling off to the side but he hit me at 45-50 mph.  My hatchback windshield shattered.  I cruised on the wet grass about 100 feet and hit a tree.  Double hits.  I've had two back surgeries.
3. In high school we had several students die in car accidents.  It seems we went to at least two funerals a year.  Then my friend Karen died at the hands of a drunk driver and my friend Cathy died from black ice and Valium.
4. The sexual abuse started when I was four years old until I was thirteen.  Most of it occurred at night.  
5. Some of the abuse was rape.
6. Again, some of being trapped was abuse, some mental illness hospitalizations and social anxiety.
7. My dad lost control more than a few times when he beat me.  I want to beat someone when they threaten me or challenge my ability to defend myself.
8. I've had homicidal thoughts though not for a little over a year.
9. I like being by myself a little too much.  I get really angry when my phone rings.
10. I tend to pull back from relationships because I know they won't last.

A lot of these fears can be corrected by dispelling them with other forms of truth.  I can ask myself when was the last time this happened and use that answer to retrain how I view that fear.  

I can draw the fear onto a piece of paper and look for colors and symbols that represent contributing factors.

I can do word association and list out words that describe the fear.  Then list words that can help turn the fear into something less scary.

There's probably other things I can do but for now, that's all I can think of.