Spilling It

When the sun rises quietly and is hiding behind the clouds,

The air is filled with music, the bird songs morning sound.  

The afternoon sky is bright again and is beaming rays on high, 

Now it's time for nightfall as the stars gracefully fill our sky.

Transition.....

What did I do today?

Did I go outside?

Who did I talk to?

Did I do any writing for God's book?

Where was my mind?

Did I use my brain constructively?

How was I a witness for Jesus?

Did I manage the depression well?

When did I feel safe or less safe?

Did I do something for someone else?

Why did I choose to make good decisions today?

Transition.....

Acceptance, Believe, Comfort, Danger, Effort, Family, Grace, Hope, Incest, Jokes, Kill, Learn, Mad, Nope, Others, Protection, Quiet, Risk, Sisters, Tears, Usual, Waiting.

Transition.....

Dear God,
Today is one of those days when I don't know why I'm here.  I'm not feeling suicidal or anything like that.  I know you want me to write my story but I keep getting hung up.  Today I feel lost.  I feel unsettled inside.  I felt scared when I took the garbage out.  I don't know what to do.  The depression is still here.  I can hide it for a period of time but then it comes back.  All I want to do is sit on my couch and fade into nothing.  I know that's not your will for me.  Now what?
Love Amy

End

Finances

In a dysfunctional home, finances are a mess.  I imagine in a healthy home they can be a mess, too, but somehow I think a solution, even if it's hard, is easier to agree on.  In the house I grew up in, well, I wasn't privy to the solution.

I was never shown how money worked until I was a freshman in high school.  My teacher, who was also an angel God put in my life, taught us how to use checks, a checkbook, pay our bills and nail down our permanent signature.  We had a project as part of our grade to use all of these new practices.  I felt confident using them because my mind is wired up that way.  I did very well and I was proud of myself.

For as long as I could remember, there were many times our phone was shut off, the gas was shut off or the electric was shut off.  It was shut off for maybe a few days.

I grew up thinking that was normal.  Paying your bills was not a priority.  I'm not sure what was but I was being shown it wasn't taking care of your household first.  And then it hit me.

My dad's drinking cost a lot of money.  It didn't matter if he had a job or not.  He drank the same amount, more or less.  My mom's job had to pay for everything.  He wasn't dependable.  I hated him all the more for putting my mom in that position.

I had been earning money throughout Jr. High and High School.  My mom gave me her car and I was responsible for the gas and upkeep.  I remember taking good care of that car and all the cars I've had since. But there's one thing I wasn't taught to take care of - the most important asset I'll ever own.

My credit score.  After my parents divorced and I graduated High School, I'd gotten myself into some debt.  My mom sat me down and showed me how to use a budget.  We figured out what happened.  She helped me get caught up, wrote my name and the amount of money she loaned me in her little book (my sisters and I hated that little red book because we didn't like borrowing money from our mom) and wrote down how much every month I'd be paying her until it was paid in full.

It worked.  I felt good paying it off and I knew how to budget.  I've had difficult situations that have killed my credit score but I know I'm not at risk of losing my home, none of my utilities have ever been turned off, I haven't had tv for a couple of years, I can pay for my meds, doctors and therapy, I own my car and I can pay for the repairs, a friend is sharing her internet connection with me for a low price and I can take good care of my cats and myself.

The bills on my credit report are medical bills and maybe two or three credit cards before I went on disability six years ago.  Each of them are due to drop off in the next three years.  If God provides the money, of course I'll pay them off.  If not, I've already notified them of my situation, which is the responsible thing to do.

The best thing I did years ago was go to my church's budget seminar.  I don't agree 100% with everything they taught but I got what I needed and I'm closer to God in trusting Him to show me what to do.

I hope you are able to find some help if you need it.  Don't worry about being embarrassed or anything like that.  Satan wants you to feel that way so that you stay stuck.  Make the appointment then just get in the car.

You can do it!

Parenting Yourself

What would you do if you weren't parented from about age eight to age fifteen?

Think about that for a moment.  That's eight years of no one looking out for you, no one setting rules for you to follow, no one keeping track of where you're going or who you're spending time with and no one noticing your emotions shutting down, locked up like Fort Knox.

You're getting yourself and you're two younger siblings up and ready for school.  You make sure they get on the bus and if not, you have a full blown panic attack and make the bus driver let you off the bus so you can find them and make sure they're okay.  You get in trouble with the principal who threatens to discipline you but your personality has already split.  You're no longer a young girl.  You're a young boy filled with rage and you stare this man down knowing you can take him if you need to.

None of this is funny.  None of it has humor attached to it.  None of it is kidding, none of it is joking and none of it is made up.  It's my childhood.  It's my horror story.  It''s terrifying to tell and it's anger provoking to hear.  I feel stirred up inside like I could beat my Dad to death with a baseball bat.  But he's dead.  I'll have to find another way to let that anger out so it doesn't hurt me.

There were other men I'd want to beat to death.  Sexual abusers, mostly.  One of them is dead.  The other is still alive but he already admitted to his mom what he did and why.  I guess I can't really be angry at him but I still have to be careful.  I have a forgiving personality that is also very kind.  I can make the mistake of "forgive and forget" without processing what he did.  I think it's still important to process it.

There are two women I'd like to swing a bat upside their head.  The third one - we've already talked and forgiveness has erased the abuse.  The other two just make my stomach sick.  It was another time in my life. I was trying to heal in ACOA and CODA.  I was confused, lost and didn't know what was going on.  Even though I was in my twenties, things happened that were not okay.  Yes, the baseball bat would be very well used.

The point of this confession, if you will, is that not being parented forced me to make choices I never should have been making.  I was way too young, being beaten and sexually abused by my Dad and self-injuring around the time my personality split.  While the methods of self-injury have changed over the last almost forty years, the urge to escape uncomfortable feelings remain.

With the help of 12 step groups and all the help I've received from so many organizations and institutions, I'm able to talk easier with my therapist about what's really going on.  I used to be this locked up brick building that no one could get into.  Thanks to God for bringing safe men and women who told me they wouldn't breach the wall if I wanted to remove some of the bricks, I feel more in control of what I am ready or not ready to share.  It has nothing to do with my therapist - whether or not I trust her.  It has to do with my comfort level and if I'm ready to talk about it.

Today, I'm learning to parent myself in a healthy way.  Some methods I have nailed down and others need some work.  But I know this in my heart:

Parenting takes commitment, discipline, love and grace.
Parenting also takes laughter, forgiveness, fun and teachable.

I'm still learning and I'm going to keep learning until I'm in Heaven.

Who's Your Daddy?

There once was a little girl who wanted to be the apple of her daddy's eye.  She'd seen some of her friends being treated special by their daddy's and she wanted to be treated special, too.  But her daddy was different from their daddy's.

When the little girl was playing at their house, their daddy came home at daytime.  Their daddy was nice and came over to her friend and picked her up and gave her a kiss.The little girl's daddy never did that.  He rarely came home at daytime.  He didn't hug her.  Sometimes he spoke to her but it was mostly to tell her he was going to the bar and to watch her younger sisters.

She learned over time not to expect anything from her daddy.  Especially when he was drunk and mean. It was hard to know what kind of mood he would be in so she tried to be invisible.  But he would find her somehow and that's when the beatings began.

After awhile he started sexually abusing her so she made her mind go away by imagining she was somewhere else where no one could hurt her or find her.  It didn't matter what anyone did to her body.  She didn't like her body and how it had been changing anyway.

But then something strange happened.  The little girl was inside a teenage body and mind.  And one day the teenage girl's mommy came home and said her daddy wasn't going to live at their house anymore.  The little girl was hurt and sad and angry that her mommy made her daddy leave.  The teenager was glad and relieved and elated that mean abusive jerk was getting out of their home.

The teenager started going to a 12 step group.  She was learning about the disease of alcoholism and the little girl was learning how the abuse was not her fault.  None of it was her fault.  She wasn't sure that was true but until proven otherwise, she decided to believe it.  The teenager felt rage toward the alcoholic.

The teenager started learning about a Higher Power.  The little girl liked this because he sounded like the kind of love she'd been trying to find all her life.  There was only one problem:  He had her daddy's face. She found out this is very common and could be fixed over time.  The little girl decided to trust what they were telling her because they already had a loving relationship with a Higher Power.  The teenager wasn't so sure.

The teenager stayed in these 12 step groups, joined other groups, got into therapy and brought the little girl along every stage of the recovery process.  When the teenager was in her 20's, she was in a terrible car accident that her Higher Power, now Jesus Christ, used to bring her out of a sin she didn't know was wrong. It took a lot of courage to convince the little girl that letting go of that sin was going to set her free and allow God to heal her in many broken areas of her life.

When the woman was in her 30's, the residue from the horrific abuse the little girl suffered began to come out in ways that scared the woman.  She had to make some changes.  She did so without processing the feelings attached to them.  She did what she's always done - she stuffed them down deep so they'd never come out, especially in front of someone.

When the woman was in her 40's (now), those feelings erupted like a volcano.  And like lava, they continue flowing out at a slow but steady speed always hardening wherever they travel.  The woman has been blessed in her relationship with God because He has sent faithful workers to help her.  They are:

Good Shepherd Hospital, Barrington, IL - Nancy, Char and Susie
Meier Clinics, Wheaton, IL - Carol Davis-Serpas, LCPC
Lake County Health Dept, Libertyville, IL - Dr. Caban, Psychiatrist
Lake County Health Dept, Libertyville, IL - Julie Tevenan, LCSW
Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital - Dr. Didenko, Psychiatrist
Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital - Dr. Terada, Psychologist
Lake County Health Dept, Libertyville, IL - J. Faith Gallup, MSW, LCSW

The little girl's biological daddy died February 21, 2008.
The little girl's Heavenly Father is eternal because Jesus died on the cross for our sin.

I know who my daddy is.
Who's your daddy?

I Have Enough

A couple of days ago, my television stopped working.  I pressed the power on button, the red light came on then it turned off.  I tried everything I could think of:  Use the remote control, change the batteries in the remote control, pray, unplug it and re-plug it into another socket in the surge protector, pray, plug it directly into the wall, pray then surrender.

This television is special to me.  It's a Sony Trinitron XBR pictured above.  It is high quality I found at Goodwill for $25.  I've had it for at least 2 years. It has a ginormous screen and dynamic sound.  It had more colored plugs in the back than I had components.

The cats had a warm place to sleep on top, there was a glass shelf for the kitties to lay on.  The picture was so clear.  I loved it.

What I should do?  I could look at other televisions at Goodwill where I would pay 99 cents.  Good brands, good working condition and maybe a remote control.  I could look at Savers and find one under $10 with maybe a DVD or VCR or both built into it, good quality and good condition.  But when I went looking, none of them felt right.

It's not like I'm grieving my television.  Okay, maybe for a day or two but that was it.  The truth is, I have a small television I can use.  I bought it for another purpose and it was sitting in my bedroom.  It had a very sharp picture, excellent sound and one component hook up.

It took some time to move the furniture around.  It took some muscle I didn't know I had.  It took some brain work to figure out the cords and logistically how it was going to work having two components use one set of jacks.  But I figured out.

There's something bothering me inside that says I need bigger and better than what I have.  Really?  Why? Aren't I supposed to have bigger and better?  Don't I deserve to have bigger and better?  Doesn't my disability need bigger and better?

When I stopped and brought these questions before the Lord, I realized He wants me to be happy with "enough."  He wants me to feel full with "enough."  He wants me to be content with "enough."

I'm probably still going to struggle with feeling like I deserve more.  I pray the Lord continues to teach me that there is more peace, more contentment and more joy in "enough."

I want to have more moments in the quiet streams of serenity than in the deafening loudness of raging rockets.