Are you pleased with what and how I'm writing?
Faith is right. I feel discouraged. Not from anything she said but from my own voice talking about it. It really wasn't a dream. I fought and survived a violent upbringing. You keep reminding me that the age of fourteen is coming. Just like on Good Friday when you remind us Sunday is coming.
I feel naked and exposed. It feels normal. If feels familiar. So did growing up in that environment. It's all I knew. It was horrible. A few good things sprinkled here and there did not make up for the bruises, emptiness, huge fear of abandonment and shutting down my emotions.
Healing? More pain. More writing. More letting friends read it.
Faith wants to talk about it on Monday. Please prepare me so I don't shut down. You placed her in my life as my therapist for this season of my journey. I trust your provision and I trust her. I'm struggling with trusting myself.
I'm self-injuring in my mouth most of the time. I'm pressing down very hard. I'm not overeating. I'm eating two sandwiches and two-three fruits a day. That seems to be enough. I'm not depressed or suicidal. I'm not hiding or parking myself on the couch. I'm holding a pillow when I go to sleep.
Father, I want to heal. I know the memories won't go away. I'd like to have very little emotions attached to them, if that's possible. I want to purge my story, let others help put it together and offer it up to you. That's silly. I've already offered it up to you!
Please bring me peace. I'm hurting inside.
Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen
