About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Borderline Personality Disorder

Went to bed late last night.  Woke up very early.  Decided to get up and have some DVD time before going to group.  Good decision.

 I'm attending a stress management group for 10 weeks.  My therapist, Faith, is the facilitator.  Sometimes I feel self-conscious like I'm under a microscope.  It's not her; it's the messages in my head.  
  • You're being watched
  • You need to hide
  • Don't let your borderline personality out
  • Don't speak up
  • Write when you're uncomfortable
  • Arrive early / leave quickly
Each of those serves a purpose.  Maybe not always a positive one.  Some are very positive.

How does one stay safe in an environment of strangers?  Here's what I try to do:
  1. Find a safe person in the room (In group, it's Faith).
  2. Keep eye contact with that person as best you can.
  3. When that person is teaching, listen to the tone of their voice and ask:
    • Is it soothing?
    • Is it comforting?  
Faith's voice has always been soothing and comforting.  In our sessions, when she is explaining something or asking me questions, her voice is even.  Sometimes her words are soothing and comforting.  Last week she talked about looking someone in the eye creates intimacy.  I kept looking at her almost as a test of her safety in my broken little world.  I did good...and so did she.

 Intimacy.  
That's an area I have so many questions and struggles.
With my abuse history, I think it's only about sex.
I've been getting taught that it's broader.
Oh boy.

I had to pause the video to catch all the words.