During the summer of 2006, I started remembering my dad sexually abusing me. It was common for me to say, "If I ever really remembered what happened to me, I'd end up in the hospital." That's exactly what happened. I was having a lot of difficulty managing the flashbacks. I was drinking more, missing work, running away from home (literally packing my car and taking off without telling anyone) and using every bit of mental and physical energy to keep it together.
By October I couldn't hang on any longer. Through God working out the details, I was accepted into Meier Clinics Day Program. The first day was a bit nerve racking. I knew I would be assigned a therapist but I didn't know who. The first half of the day I met about 3-4 of them. The one I knew for sure I wouldn't be able to handle was Carol. She was confident, firm in what she taught and looked you square in the eye. Yikes!
Yes, I was assigned to her. Truth be told, Carol is the best therapist I've ever had. I was such a mess. I was trying to do it all and was losing the battle. About four months into meeting with her, I attempted suicide. I left a message on her voice mail hoping she would call 911. She did. I needed her to and she came through.
Carol continued working with me all the while teaching me, stretching me, encouraging me, guiding me, praying over me and listening intently to me. She's an amazing woman of God. Whenever we had conflict it was dealt with quickly. Whenever I walked out during a session, Carol let me know I could always walk back in. Whenever I cried during a session, Carol would grab a Kleenex and dab her own eyes. Whenever I was scared and just wanted to be with her, I would stretch out on the couch and she would read scripture to me. And whenever I would start talking then have to stop, she would wait patiently and not interrupt the silence.
Sometimes, God led Carol to have me work on a specific art therapy drawing. Sometimes, God led her to try EMDR or DBT or a PTSD workbook. Sometimes, God led me to read a psychology book and when I showed it to Carol, she'd read it, too. Carol is a lifetime student. Sometimes, I'd be in a really good place and we would laugh quite a bit. I felt at ease being myself. You can tell Carol feels at ease being herself, too.
Because I went on disability and lost my medical benefits, sadly, I had to stop seeing Carol after 3 years. To this day whenever I feel lost, I long to see her and talk to her. It's probably part of my Borderline Personality Disorder but I don't care. Carol knows she will always have a special place in my heart.
Ray Boltz sings a song that has the following lyrics: "Thank you, for giving to the Lord. I have a life that's been changed. Thank you, for giving to the Lord. I am so glad you gave." Carol gave her time and talent to help me live beyond what I thought I'd never survive. I thank God for her and still shed tears.
