About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Self-Expectations

Dear God,

I'm noticing a lot of anger surfacing.  I'm wanting to punch people and knock them down.  Some people I want to kill with my punch.  Others I want to make an impression so they don't ever forget.

I know I'm not supposed to think this way because it's not how Jesus would think.

I'm very tired these days.  All my blood work came back normal.  I accomplished one goal which was to get my glucose down so I was not borderline diabetic anymore.  Cha-ching.  Done.  Proud of myself.

It's time to start writing again.  I keep putting this off.  Then I think if I were to die, I wouldn't have finished what you had me start.  I need to revisit those pages and pick up where I left off.  I still have some abuse memories to write down.  Not looking forward to it.

I feel like I'm disappointing people.  Not sure why.  I keep thinking I should be better than I am - capable of handling more.  There are days I hate myself because I can't handle any more than I am.  I feel like a failure.

And then I get angry.  And I want to lash out.  And I want to punch.  Very hard.

I guess that's it.

Amy