I know feeling down adds difficulty to (what should be) easy reasoning. When I feel my eyes darting from side to side I know my cognitive thinking is impaired. It may last for a few minutes or a few days. I'm not aware if I have control over it.
Taking my medication doesn't seem to help. I have times when I become overwhelmed in thought and want to check out from interacting with people. Just let me live away from people so I can think straight. But then again, there are no guarantees this new lifestyle would prevent these episodes from happening.
I remembered another reason I am struggling with eating a little too much. I received a call from a girl who used to be a friend. I screen all of my calls. When I saw her name on Caller ID I felt panic. I did not answer the phone.
Instead I covered my ears as my answering machine picked up the call. I could barely hear her voice. I knew I was in no condition to listen to anyone about anything. That was a couple days ago. I still haven't listened to the message.
I feel no sense of urgency to listen to it. A couple of years ago, our friendship ended badly. She hurt me deeply. She apologized a couple years later. I forgave her.
I've learned that forgiving someone does not mean you throw your hat back in the ring. I cautiously told her she could call me if she needed anything knowing my boundaries are in place. I want a friendship with her again but not one that is deep.
When Faith and I were talking about loss, I remembered this person was a hurtful loss. In the end she was mean. She did not do anything like Jesus would. And yes, she is a Christian.
I have no best friend anymore. She could have been but I've really only had one best friend. Our friendship dissolved when my mental illness and self-injury became too much for her. I decided to leave when she couldn't spend time with me outside of her grand kids. I always knew that was going to happen.
I guess the losses I'm feeling are: physical strength, mental clarity, grief and trust.
I hope my mind clears up soon.
