About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Seeing Myself As God Sees Me

For the past two days I've had an unusual amount of energy which I've wisely taken advantage of.  When you have mental illness and your primary diagnosis is major depressive disorder, any day that starts with clear focus and energy should be harnessed.  I've been throwing this extra energy into housework. Not just any housework but the down and dirty housework.  Scrubbing floors, vacuuming out vents, etc..  The tough stuff.

 I decided to listen to a cassette tape from a 1995 small group leadership retreat our church held for it's own small group leaders.  It was taught by Russ Robinson.  Out of all the messages I've heard in my 25+ years at my church and all their weekend, midweek, retreat and conference messages, this message is in the top ten.  That says a lot, don't you think?

 What I've been hearing over and over again goes hand in hand with the inventory I've been taking of myself. Questions like:  Who do I want to be at 57 that I'm not at 47?  What are the three areas God is pointing out for me to focus on?  What are some goals I need to set and how am I going to achieve them?  Lastly, am I living a life of making consecutive right choices and decisions, even if it's just a couple a day?

 These are the things I am receiving as I open my life up to God - for Him to explore the dark areas of my soul that are hampering or holding me back from the great purpose He has planned for me.  A great purpose He wants me to share with the world - even if it's just one soul.  His great purpose will require a transformation so great in my soul that I will no longer be the person I once knew.  

  • I will no longer be the timid, shy, broken and abused little girl who hides in food, alcohol, self abuse and pain. 
  • I will no longer be the angry little boy who plots revenge on the abuser, dreams about violent death to the abuser or wishes for a fair fight where I can knock him down so he stays down.  
  • I will no longer be the scared preteen driving a Suburban by myself from McHenry to Island Lake while he drinks beer.  
  • I no longer have to be the protector of my sister when she is begging my dad to let me drive when I'm a preteen when he's telling me to tell him when he's crossing the yellow or white lines. I drove home that night.  
  • I will no longer see myself as he saw me.

He never saw me.  

 He certainly did not see me as God, my loving Abba Father, sees me.  I am Abba's planned adored daughter, beautiful child, dear one, precious baby, celebrated toddler, growing sprout, protected young adult, treasured teen, saved young adult and kindhearted adult.

 It's time for me to see myself as God sees me.