A Hike In The Cavern

Tonto Natural Bridge, AZ - I climbed this.

Right now I am in the deep caverns of the cave.  A place of small sounds, pitch darkness and the only recognizable parts of the cave are the feel of its walls - cold stone.  The path to walk on is a little tricky with the boulders but my hiking boots are stabilizing my balance.

I carry a flashlight in my right hand and the chalk in my pocket.  I know the caverns well as I have been in them many times before.  It's time to climb some boulders to get to the other side.  I pocket the flashlight so that my two hands are free to steady myself.

I make it to the other side with no problem.

I can hear water drips from the top of the cavern.  I must be near the waterfall.  There's a rushing sound in the background and the cavern walls are wet to the touch.  I think about how many people called this cave home.  My soul is moved in wonderment.

I find the place I visited the last time I was here.  I look at the ground and I can see the impressions of my hiking boots.  Since this is my cave, I know those can only be mine.  There's a great deal of safety when you have a place away from the world where only you and God know the exact location.

I pull out the chalk from my pocket.  It's still dry.  I shine my flashlight onto the stone walls.  I can read from the stick drawings what I was feeling the last time I was here.  Hopelessness, despair and wanting to die.  But that's not the case this time.

I begin to draw stick figures, pieces of me, scattered about.  There are birds overhead that have swooped down and taken a piece of me.  They are flying away.  They are black crows who were making their calling sound.  Then they found me strewn about.

But that's not the end of the drawing.  I begin to draw another stick figure that is larger than the first one.  It has all of it's limbs attached and it's arms are reaching upward.  Again, the black crows swoop down to break off a limb but they are unsuccessful.  This time, my feet are firmly planted and my arms do not waver in the wind.  My body is strong.

I put the chalk back into my pocket and step back to see what I've drawn.  The flashlight reveals two stories at the same time.  The first one is when I am deep in depression or healing from trauma; the second one is a reminder of who I am in Christ.  

Investing time and resources into the broken one is both wise and responsible.  Remembering my true identity in Christ is both comforting and empowering.

Someday these two personalities will combine as one.  Until then, I keep putting one foot forward at a time.

I trust God, I trust myself and I trust my therapist (Faith Gallup, LCSW).