Even In Grief We Must Press On

Grieving the loss of my cat without her body is difficult.  I hear sentences in my mind that doubt she is really gone.  Even though she's been gone for twenty-two days and we've had some very cold temperatures, part of me is still holding onto hope for her return.

But here's the truth:  She's not coming home.  At least I have no proof or reason to believe she is coming home.  No one has seen her, I haven't heard her and I haven't received any phone calls from the tag she wears on her collar.

This is why I grieve.

I cry.
I pray to my Heavenly Father in a child's voice.
I cry some more.
I look at her picture.
I cry again.

Since I suffer from depression, grief adds to the suffering.  When I'm struggling to function with depression and the death of a pet or loved one is added to that suffering, I am fighting against the temptation to be on the couch all day.

I force myself to put on clean clothes, wash my hair, get out of the house with a friend and do some writing.  By the time the end of the day draws near, I'm functioning better.  Most of the time the depression returns and I plummet back down into the hole.

Today has been one of those days.  But today had one extra element.  I received my monthly deposit so that I could pay my bills.

Since I've been on disability it's been hard paying my bills.  Both short on cash and my mind not working right has caused some stress.  However, the last 3-4 months I've made some progress despite what I've been dealing with emotionally.  

God has pressed upon me that no matter what issues or struggles I'm going through, paying everyone first is a way of honoring Him.  That's what I've been doing and that's what I'll keep on doing through grief, stress and all those other emotions that I need to learn how to apply self-care.

I believe I am on my way!

Matthew 6:21

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.