My therapist (Faith) and I have been tackling the challenges and complications that are rising to the surface. Namely, living as the emotional person God created all of us to be. It's not easy when your past required submerging those emotions for the sake of survival.
I grew up in an environment where only one person was allowed to be angry - my dad. His anger was explosive and many times was taken out on me in the form of physical abuse. I remember clearly his thundering voice and his brutal hands.
I was not allowed to cry or express frustration. I was not allowed to disagree or voice my opinion. I was expected to guess what he wanted me to do or say. I never did figure that out. Almost nose to nose staring matches became a routine. No emotion on my face but angry beady eyes and a face of red fury on his face. It was a standoff.
When my parents divorced I was overjoyed. A freshman in high school, I was living under the illusion that all will be well now that he was out of the house. I didn't realize that the abuse I survived would be with me for just over three more decades.
Therapists, hospitalizations, medication and tackling those memories has been a roller coaster ride I wish I hadn't been forced to get in line. I didn't choose to be abused by someone who was supposed to be my protector. I didn't choose to be neglected by someone who was supposed to stop the insanity. But it is what it was.
I'm not sure about the word "manage" when it comes to emotions. At least, not lately. Feeling what I am today, I have enormous difficulty dealing with someone who treats me the way my dad treated me most of the time. Disrespectful, bossy and acting as if they know it all. In retrospect, I can see the pattern of others behavior and how it takes over my mind. In twelve step groups we call it, "Giving rent free space to someone in our head."
I have an aggressive side that always wants to handle angry emotions with violence. I get tangled up in my head because I'd rather verbally lash out or punch someone out. It was how I was raised.
In my recovery, I remind myself that:
- I am a new creation in Christ. The old has gone; the new has come.
- The abuser died in Feb 2008 and can no longer hurt me.
- Feeling my emotions full throttle is good as long as I don't self-injure or pick up a drink.
- My therapist knows what she's doing even when I get annoyed at what she's saying.
- It's up to me to learn about emotions and let them rise instead of eating.
There's another saying: "As far as it is up to me, be at peace with all people."
I am a person who needs to receive grace and peace from my Heavenly Father. What my head tells me to do is not always a good thing. What my heart tells me to do is not always a good thing, either. Relying on the Holy Spirit to guide my footsteps through the bog of emotions is a good thing.
Otherwise, who will help me when I fall into the muck?
