About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Monday, November 09, 2015

When Stinkin' Thinkin' Is All You Have

Today I'm feeling deep seeded anger.  Maybe it's because everywhere I turn, my life oozes with stress.  Maybe it's because I'm restricting my eating so NOT stuffing my feelings with food is aggravating.  Maybe it's because I just finished re-hanging loved ones who have passed away - my memory wall.

Maybe I'm angry because my blood work came back and my triglycerides are so high they could be rented out as an excursion tour.  Maybe I'm angry because I have to lose 100 pounds.  Maybe I'm angry because, unlike my first 90 days in AA where I attended 90 meetings, I can't lose 100 pounds in 100 days.  It's "unhealthy."

Really?  I'd like to know what skinny person said that because I'd punch them in the nose hard enough so they'd hit the ground.  I've watched shows where these 500/600lb men and women lose 50 pounds in a month and they are TOLD to do it.  TOLD.  My doctor didn't blink when last Thursday I said I'd lost 7 pounds since the week before.  He was all for it.

Today is "F" word day.  Don't ask me why, it just is.  I've had so much shit happening that I'm using swear words and it feels satisfying.  Worst of all, I don't care.  I'm told feeling my feelings is good, healthy, emotionally healing, good self-care even though what I really want to do is flip my finger off at the world and quit.

Writing this book is killing me.  Not literally, of course, but it's killing me that it's not getting written.  I mean it's getting written it's just not being put into some sort of order - any order.  Timeline or topic or whatever - it has to get going and it has to get going now.  I feel a sense of urgency.  So I made a call and a friend is going to help.

There are days I hate my life and I've had so many of them strung together for 3-4 weeks.  Medication adjustments, blood tests, carpel tunnel surgery, Lipitor increased, glucose elevated when I had it down six months ago, kitties disappearing then reappearing, my car needs work and I'm screwed up about who should do it.  Trust the people I don't know but are 12 step and Christians or have it done by my mechanics.  It frustrates the "F" out of me.  Right now, I chose the first one on faith.

Oh, yes, I still have faith.
Faith that I'm no good.  I'm no good to people or God or anyone.
Awareness that I'm angry and I feel no good to people or God or anyone.
Remembering I'm angry sober and food free and I feel no good to people or God or anyone.

 Faith tells me I'm right where I should be:
1.  In God's capable hands.
2.  In the season of life that He's chosen for me.
3.  Trust the Creator, not the creation.

FAITH:  The other "F" word.

I thought this was cute:  Creator vs. Creation