It started yesterday, into my sleep time and all day today.
My mind is starting and stopping then pausing for minutes.
I canceled going to church, canceled time with Catherine and only sent one message for a possible book meeting on Tuesday evening.
My fear is someone is listening to me as I talk back to an episode of Law & Order. I feel the paranoia rising up into my brain chemicals. I'm not laying down on the couch. I am busying myself by giving the cat tree a trim. I'm taking all of my medications.
I started hearing voices again maybe a week ago. I found out last night that Valerie Caudhill passed away. I was sad because I didn't get to say good-bye. I found out on Facebook when I was checking my friends' list and deciding whether or not to clean house. That's when I noticed there was no picture next to her name. I know you couldn't tell me.
Then I have a friend who stopped talking to me. Just stopped. No explanation, no nothing. After thinking about it for awhile I might have figured it out. I don't know. I got this weird message from a number without a name. Three words. If that was her, what does that mean? I mean I know what it means but it doesn't explain anything. I dunno. Another grief not understood.
So I'm keeping myself busy but it hasn't helped. All I think about is this brain disease and how much I hate it. I can't be around people right now, I don't want to talk to anyone, my eyes get fixed on objects, I'm not going to respond to messages and all I want to do is be with myself and the voices and everything will be okay.
(Inner Child: I don't want to go to small group and I want to return the money recent people have given to me. I'm not a charity case even if I can't function like everybody else all the time. These voices are my friends. Don't take them away.)
I'll call Dr. Didenko tomorrow for an appointment this week.
