Why Jesus?

With a background of neglect, abuse, self-injury, addiction, sexual identity issues and mental illness, what did I ever think Jesus could do for me?  From what I learned in Sunday School when I was in grade school and junior high, he only helped those who didn't have as bad of problems as I had.  He was a spirit that floated around the earth giving blessings to those he liked.

I was never on his radar because nothing in my life ever got better.  I believed I had done something very wrong as a little girl and I was being punished for it.  I could not remember what I had done.  I kept thinking and thinking trying to make my mind remember but I never could.  I decided it must have been awfully bad because no matter how hard I tried, my mind was blank.

I learned about God in Sunday School when I was in Grade School.  The adults said he loved me and nothing I did could ever stop that love.  That sounded nice but I knew something they didn't. I wasn't lovable.  I was used for a punching bag and stuff like that so they were talking about the other kids around the table.  You see, God never visited my home.  My home was a scary place to live.  There was yelling and screaming and hitting and hiding.  There was crying, too.  God visited the nice houses.  Mine was not a nice house.  I knew that and I accepted it.

When I was a teenager I ran away from home.  The adult I ran away to I trusted even though she scared me.  She had a friend come over to talk to me about Jesus.  Jesus was related to God - He was God's Son.  Jesus was someone I could have a personal relationship with if I accepted Him into my heart.  I smirked and said, "He doesn't want to live in my heart."  I knew my heart was bad.

A couple of years later (when I was fourteen) I got into recovery and I started seeing a counselor.  My recovery group had a Higher Power I could believe in and it could be God if I wanted it to be.  After awhile I decided to try it.  When I was seventeen, I borrowed some other peoples ways of relating to God.  Slowly, I started to feel that maybe a relationship was forming.  A few years rolled by and I was in the next phase of my recovery.  I was twenty years old when the God of twelve step groups started to be too small for me, I asked my mom about it.  She suggested I go to her church.  She said, "Amy, you can wear your jeans and no one will talk to you."  She knew exactly what to say.

I went to my first service in September 1987.  In December 1987 I heard the lyrics to the song Silent Night for the very first time.  I wept.  In March of 1988 I was rocked to my knees when I heard the message, "The Fear of Death."  The pastor said when I die it will be like a blink of an eye and I'll be standing before a Holy God.  I'll have no time to make a decision about where I'll spend my eternity.  If I were to die right now, where would I be?  I knew the answer and it wasn't heaven.

I went home, called my sponsor (who was a Christian) and told her about it.  When I asked her what to do she replied, "Amy, you know what to do."  "Yeah, I know."  I went into my bedroom, knelt beside my bed that had a blue comforter, closed my eyes, clasped my hands and asked Jesus to please forgive my sins and live in my heart.  I was crying.  I'll always remember that moment.

Three months later our church was having their baptism services.  They did this one weekend every June during our regular church services.  I did mine at the 11:15 Sunday service.  The baptism service is where you publicly affirm your decision to have Jesus pay for your sin on the cross and to have all your sins forgiven by His death on the cross.

There were a couple of teaching pastors and elders on the stage so you didn't know who was going to baptize you.  I was gratefully baptized by Rev. William James Hybels.  I walked and stood in front of him. I looked him in the eyes as he asked me questions to make sure I understood the commitment I'd made then he baptized me.  As he did so, tears rolled down my cheeks and I closed my eyes. I wanted to take in this moment - the most important moment of my life.  When he was done, he shook my hand and said, "Walk with the Lord, Amy."  I've never forgotten those words and in fact, had them inscribed on my bible.

Many years later I was baptized in our church's lake.  I had a great fear of being immersed under water so I took a class at the YMCA called T.O.W. (Terrified of Water) so that I could be water baptized.  Then I asked one of the elders I knew if he could be the one who dunked me.  In June 1995 (Seven years later), I bounced up out of the water feeling clean and freed, restored and whole from an area of sin I was confused about.

Since both baptism days, I have never been the same.  I learned I never did anything bad that caused the abuse.  I was the victim of someone else's disease of alcoholism.  I learned God was with me through all of the ugliness of my childhood - I was never alone.  I learned I have sinful behaviors that need to stop, that only God can help me remove.  Best of all, I learned I have a forever friend in Jesus - who will always be with me and guide me wherever I go.

Why Jesus?  He paid a debt he did not owe.
Instead, he paid a debt I owed that I could not pay.

Thank you, Jesus.

I'm forever in YOUR debt.

When Depressed, Help Others

I woke again very early and felt discouraged.  I don't know why I'm not able to sleep later like I've been used to.  I move from my bed onto my couch and watch a movie.  During the movie I drift back to sleep until I wake up and slowly start my day.  I'm still depressed but I try to make the best of it.

Today I had one thing to look forward to.  A phone call from one of my closest friends.  I used to see her when I would visit my mom.  God gave she and her husband the nudge to move far south several years ago.  I can't remember when I last saw her.

Talking to her today was like sitting across from her sharing a cup of tea.  It was just what I needed from my dear friend.  I needed to hear about her life:  The blue birds, the baby eggs, she and her husband being the landlords, the eggs hatching and the next group of eggs.  I could picture her gentleness caring for these little ones.

She told me how the teaching and her outline is coming along.  It was so good to hear how God is clearly revealing some points He wants her to focus on.  She is a gifted teacher and so humble to take none of the credit.  Not only am I praying for her but I'm going to join in on reading the book from which she is teaching and send her any thoughts God places in front of me to share.  I feel so much love for my friend, through her tears.

After we hung up, I went to a couple of stores.  When I finished putting my things into my car I noticed an older woman pushing her cart toward me and looking around.  I asked, "Ma'am, do you need help finding your car?"  "Yes, I thought it was over here but now I don't know."  During the search I tried to put her at ease by making her laugh.  After some looking on the other side of the lot, she found it!  She thanked me and said I was a "tracker."  

On the way home I was driving near some very tall grass when I spotted two Canadian Geese with little babies trying to cross the road.  I turned around then turned around again and coaxed this little family back into the tall grass.  I kept inching forward to discourage them from crossing the road and pretty soon they gave up.  They were safe in the grass which was also a marsh.

I had a conversation with a friend about her friend who is depressed.  I made a bold move by stating, "If what you're telling me is true, she needs help now.  She needs to see her psychiatrist and therapist.  I asked if she got rid of things when she's depressed.  She said no, only when she's bored.  I told her that's a tell tale sign of the first step toward suicidal ideation.  And that's not something you want to mess with.  Then I told her be willing to talk to her because I've been where she's been.

Each of these women or situations reminded me of an important truth:

God uses the very least of us to love, encourage, help and speak truth into the lives around us.

No matter how useless I feel.

No matter how knowledgeable I am.

No matter how small the task.

No matter if anyone else notices.

No matter If they want my help.

God knows my heart for people.  He knows my love for them.  He knows I want to comfort their fear.  He knows I want to expose the lies.  He knows I want to protect them from harm.

But........not my will be done.

Fear of Outside

I'm sleeping a lot again.  Most of the day was spent lying down taking little naps.  I did some chores, ate a little bit but then I'd lay down and nod off.

I was going to go to the forest preserve and sit at my favorite spot.  Toss my line in the water, watch the boats go by, feel the cool breeze and soak up the sunshine.  But when I would start to get ready to go, I'd feel this great sense of fear and I'd stop.

There's no reason to be afraid.  I'd be less than 10 minutes from my house.  I've been there several times before.  I think being outside is what I'm afraid of.  It's weird.

I'll talk to Faith (my therapist) about it.

Maybe there's a good reason for the fear that I don't remember.

It's worth trying to find out.

Faithful Servant

I've been trying to figure out what to write all day.  I don't really have anything.  I was going to write about one of the YouTube videos I watch when I want to cheer up but then I watched this and I was in awe:

This little guy, now thirteen years old, is a gifted violinist just like he was almost ten years ago. The joy he has when playing, his magic trick that makes the audience laugh and his ability to memorize such a long and complicated piece of music is truly remarkable.

If I could share one thing with you today, it would be this:  Sometime in our life, if we have given our sin to Jesus and asked Him to pay for our debt on the cross, we will receive the Holy Spirit as our guide and our personal counselor for the rest of our lives.

God, through the Holy Spirit, will breathe new life into us.  He will bestow spiritual gifts for us to use in the church to advance the work of His Kingdom so that others may know of Jesus' saving grace.

As sweet as that is, He doesn't stop there.  God gives us a purpose.  A purpose designed just for us.  One that only we can do.  He will help us, He will send His believers to help us and it will be something that comes naturally to us.  It won't be easy.  It will require sweat and tears.  

The struggles are many when we become followers of Jesus.  In the end, when we go home to the Lord, there's a good possibility we may hear, 

"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Got Music?

Let's begin with a worship song:



Did you listen to the song?  If you did, was there a video playing in your mind as the vocalist sang the words?  Many times when I listen to a song I close my eyes and imagine the lyrics coming to life.  Not for every song but for songs like this one that have word pictures built into them.

Some of my favorite lyrics:

• Elijah, declaring the Word of the Lord
• Moses, righteousness being restored 
• Prepare ye the way of the Lord
• Ezekiel, the dry bones becoming as flesh
• David, rebuilding the temple of praise
• Laborers in your vineyard, declaring the Word of the Lord
• Behold He comes, riding on the clouds
• There's no God like Jehovah

As a preteen I was drawn to music my parents listened to.  My Mom and Dad liked country so it was Willie Nelson, The Statler Brothers, The Oak Ridge Boys and others.  My Mom liked Alabama, Willie Nelson, Helen Reddy, Abba, Connie Francis, Captain & Tennille and Anne Murray.

I started liking my own music and some of their music including Barbara Mandrell, Dolly Parton, Leif Garrett, Saturday Night Fever, The Carpenters, Def Lepperd and Journey.  These are my before Jesus music selections.

When my mom became a Christian she started purchasing music my sisters and I enjoyed listening to.  I was in my late teens and my sisters were in their middle teens.  She brought home Sandi Patty, Amy Grant, 2nd Chapter of Acts, Stryper and Michael W. Smith.  This music wasn't cheesy at all.  It was great to listen to and the "Jesus" message wasn't too pushy.

Music plays a significant part of my life for these reasons: 

1. It helped reduce the traumatic feelings from sexual abuse.
2. It relaxes my body when I feel tense.
3. When I listen to worship music I feel the presence of God.
4. I imagine myself playing the drums or a piano.
5. I play classic rock when cleaning my house so I stay motivated.
6. It distracts me from self-injury on my body.
7. It busy's my mind when I want to drink.
8. Sometimes I sing along just to hear my voice for the day.
9. When I feel scared I play comforting music.
10. I have certain music to listen to when I can't fall asleep.

There's so many ways to use music in our lives.  

If you haven't found a way to bring music into your life, I encourage you to find a website and listen to snippets of music you haven't heard.  Ask your family and friends if they have CD's, MP3's or whatever format is best for you that you can borrow.  

Have fun with it!!!