My Parents Divorce

When I was in Alateen, divorced parents were a common thread for some of us.  There were also parents where one or both stopped drinking and were working an Alcoholics Anonymous program. Still, there were some of us who had one or both parents living at home who were actively drinking and there was no hope of relief.

The moment my mom made the announcement that she was going to divorce my dad is seared in my mind.  She asked my sisters and I into the kitchen.  We sat around the table.  Her words were short without anger or fear.  She simply said, "I met with an attorney.  I'm divorcing your dad."

I'm not sure how my sisters were feeling because this was a decision I'd been pleading with my mom to make.  "C'mon, mom, get rid of dad, we'll be okay."  Coming out of the mouth of a twelve to fourteen year old probably wasn't reassuring but at that time I felt desperate to get him out of the house and more importantly, out of my life.

From my perspective, the abuse was already more than I could handle.  I'd already attempted suicide and runaway from home for two weeks (my parents knew where I was) by age thirteen.  I was still wetting the bed, pulling the hair out of my head, eating food to kill the painful feelings, not knowing how to hide and protect myself from the sexual abuse I'd survived from multiple perpetrators and the violence and intimidation he used to control me was taking a heavy toll.  I didn't think I could take much more.

I thought I would be elated and filled with joy with this announcement.  I must admit, I was relieved.  But then, as the days passed, I found myself feeling mixed emotions.  My dad began acting differently.  He was quieter.  He didn't talk much.  He wasn't home much.  There was a staggering decrease in fighting and there wasn't anymore abuse.  He looked defeated.  I'd never seen him look so broken.

On the day he moved out, he asked me to help him.  Yeah, I know, I thought it was weird, too.  Even though all that crap happened in my life because of him, the healing tools from Alateen that I was applying in my life gave me the grace to help my dad.  No other love but God's love could have helped my dad.

So, he was gone.  He didn't move far.  It was in the same village we lived in.

What does a child do when she is used to the yelling and screaming and then all of a sudden the house is peaceful and quiet?

She moves in with the alcoholic parent.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

So much has gone on in the past four days I don't even know where to begin.

I came home from my mom's filled with her love, kindness and home cooking.  The fall leaves were at their peak, a black bear was walking down her road then into the forest across from her home and while sitting in her chair looking out the same window the next evening I saw four white tail deer walk out of the forest then back in again.  I felt as if God arranged a nature show.

Her laughter always gets me going.  She's seventy one years old and still makes funny faces, says funny expressions, knows how to play along with a joke and has the best smile I've ever seen.  My mom can be quite a sneaky prankster, too.  While we didn't get to play our 'out for blood' board game (Sorry!), I know the next time I go up to visit, there will be a pot of chili and those cards waiting for us to go head to head.

My mom will be visiting for Thanksgiving.  It's always nice to have her down here.  She gets to see her friends but more importantly she gets to see my one sister and her children.  Mom is all about the grandchildren, of which there are nine.  The oldest is twenty-five; the youngest is ten.  A wide spectrum of opportunity to influence each child for Christ.  My mom is a solid example of living life in Jesus' name.

I hope in my recovery I am able to heal and grow like she has.  I know she would scoff at that but it's true.  My mom has set the example for my sisters and I for just over three decades.  She'd be the first one to tell you she isn't perfect and has made mistakes along the way.  We know that.

My mom leads by example.  When she makes a mistake, she apologizes for it.  She owns it.  She does not justify the behavior or make excuses.  She asks for forgiveness and then she does what all of us need to remember to do:  She forgives herself and lets it go.

My mom lives in the solution, not the problem.  She'll admit she causes a lot of her own problems as do I and everyone else living on this planet.  In our dysfunctional home we were taught the alcoholic was immune from causing problems.  We were the ones to blame for his behavior.  That was a lie.

Today our family lives in recovery because my mom made a choice to get help for our family.  When my dad decided he didn't want to get help or didn't need any help my mom waited until it was the right time to make the right decision.

"I met with a lawyer today.  I'm going to divorce your Dad."

That was in August of 1982.

I didn't know it at the time but that's the day my life would change.....

Forever.

Having God In My Life

Having God in my life is the greatest source of comfort.
He quiets the noise inside my mind.
He clears out the wreckage of my past.
He prepares me for a future known only to Him.

Having God in my life is the greatest source of wisdom.
He gave the Holy Spirit when I asked Jesus to be my Savior.
He wrote the Bible as my instruction book.
He wrote the Proverbs as reminders.

Having God in my life is the greatest source of creation.
He made the heavens and the earth; the sun and the moon;
the sky and the land; all the animals on the ground, in the water and in the sky;
all vegetation; and man and woman.
He did not make any mistakes.
He pronounced everything good.

Having God in my life is the greatest source of love.
He brings deep feelings of affection during times of loneliness.
He wraps His loving arms around me when I am in emotional or physical pain.
He draws the best love out of me toward others by showing me how much
He loves me through others.

Having God in my life is the greatest source of everything.
My life is complete in Him.
All my hopes,
All my dreams,
All my fears and
Everything my future holds is in His capable hands.

Kawaga Trestle, Minoqua, WI

Bearskin Trail, Minoqua, WI

I just spent five days up at my mom's in the north woods of Wisconsin, outside of Minoqua.  It was the 50th anniversary of Beef-A-Rama.  A fun festival where (you guessed it) beef is celebrated complete with sandwiches,  lots of craft vendors, souvenirs and the Parade of Beef to bring the event to a close.

 

The weather could not have been more perfect.  Most of the trees were at their peak fall colors, the skies were a brilliant blue with big puffy clouds, the water was just a little wavy and there were people with cow hats and dogs with cow shirts on.  It was family fun with visitors from all over.

 

I decided to come up here this weekend because I'd never been even though my mom has lived here for almost 19 years.  We had a lot of fun.  I certainly enjoyed taking pictures of the leaves and other nature scenery.

 

One of the things I wanted to do was to walk the Bearskin Hiking Trail.  It's a very peaceful path where you can walk, jog, bike and I believe cross country ski in the winter.  I wanted to find the spot where I asked God, a few years ago, what He wanted me to do with my life.

 

As I was walking, I talked to Him about the book.  I went into some detail about the content and asked that He answer me when I'm in a quiet place and in front of a computer so that I can type out His response.  A little further down I had this overwhelming sense that I was standing right where He and I had met. 

 

It was amazing.  I recognized the surroundings.  I've played that moment over and over in my head.  I saw the small bridge, the red gravel on the ground, the water, the reduced speed for boats to go through and then I saw the name:  Kawaga Trestle.

 

Yes, that was it. 

 

I don't know if you've ever asked God a question like that or if you've ever experienced an answer from Him so let me share this:

 

If you allow it,

If you trust it,

If you discern it to be God's voice,

 

Then follow it.

 

I've been doing just that for about thirty-one years now.  It's not easy, it's not perfect, sometimes it's messy and sometimes it's fantastic.  I keep putting forth the effort and leaving the results up to God.

 

He chose me,

He spoke to me,

He knows all about me,

 

He'll always be with me.

Snipet - How I Came To God

I never thought God would call my name to do something that could help people.  I thought He chose people who were older, wiser and studied the Bible.  Because of that belief, I didn't look around for a way that He could speak through my life experiences. 

 

I'm a small town girl.  I grew up in a small village, attended the same schools all twelve years so I knew all the names of my graduating class (125+/- students) of 1985.  I knew the popular crowd, the music/choir crowd, the sports crowd, the average crowd and the party people.  I was friends with some of the party people, hung out with some of the average crowd but mostly stuck with my three best friends.  I did have the ocassional crush here and there but given my background I had no real interest in dating.  

 

I enjoyed learning.  I tried my best in each class, in every grade.  I had some favorite teachers and some teachers I didn't like as much.  I was super fast with timed math tests but I could not figure out geometry.  Computer language was starting to be written and no matter how much I tried I just couldn't get the 'if' 'then' statements to work.  I excelled in business, accounting and typing.

 

When I started Alateen at age 14, I was introduced to the thought of having a Higher Power.  The way it was explained to me was pretty simple.  It's something you can put your problems into or someone (not a person) you can talk to, like a spirit.  Steps Two and Three in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are written as follows:

 

2.  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

 

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

 

Since I'd attended vacation bible school and Lutheran Sunday school, I had an idea of who God was.  Sort of.  I mean I mixed Him up with Jesus.  Well, I mixed the Holy Spirit up with Jesus.  I thought Jesus was the "ghost" who was walking around performing all the miracles and handing out all the blessings.  He did do that but did so in a human body.  So, I was a little mixed up.

 

Second, and this is very common for children and adult children of alcoholics (or other substances, rage-a-holics, etc.), I had the face of my dad on the face of God.  Blood shot eyes, red face, sweaty, angry - all the features that sent terror into my body.  This 12 step group was asking me to trust and give my life to "God as I understood Him."  I don't think so.

 

Third, I needed a new God.  I wasn't sure how to get a new one.  About 2-3 years passed since I'd taken my first step into an Alateen meeting when I felt the need to pursue God more personally.  At that same time I transitioned into Al-Anon.  It was an easy move because I was warmly welcomed with buckets of love and hugs.  In one of the meetings the topinc was about meditation and how sometimes it's hard to quiet the mind.  This made my ears stand at attention.

 

The woman giving the lead asked us to empty our laps and fold our hands, drop our heads down, close our eyes and for about two minutes we were to listen to the noises around us.  Don't let our mind wander off to what we need to get done that day, what the kids are doing in the other room or what needs to be picked up at the grocery store.  Just relax and listen.

 

Do you know what I learned that day?  Three things:

 

1.  I learned that all the busyness in my head could be turned off.

2.  I learned that listening to the sounds around me brought a sense of peace and calm.

3.  I learned that God is closer than I think because I'm making time to be still.

 

So, going back to the opening of the writing, I'm convinced God has called my name to do something that will help people; He does choose people who are older, wiser and have studied the Bible but He looks for men and women who have received His gift of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ and are still teachable.  

 

And it's because of my salvation through Jesus that I have never considered any other religion, doctrine, belief system or cult.

 

Amen