Aaron's Death - Day 4

There's not much to write on this day because it was the day final decisions were made.

Aaron's mom and dad met with the doctor. All tests had been performed.  All measurements had been taken.  Every possible contingency had been considered.

There was no hope of any kind.

Aaron was brain dead.  He was blind, deaf, paralyzed from the neck down and in a permanent vegetative state.  He would never open his eyes, never walk, never talk, never have any motor skills at all.  His brain damage was severe and it was permanent without correction.

We had time to say our good-byes privately without interruption.  When one of us came out of his room with tears, no explanation was needed.  We are a family.

Later in the day, Aaron's mom and dad told us what was going to happen tomorrow.

They decided Aaron's organs would be donated - that's something Aaron would want.  Mid-morning he would be disconnected from the ventilator and brought down to the operating room.  When the organs were harvested he'd be brought back to his room before being transported to the funeral home.

If people wanted to be here in the morning, when all of this was taking place, that was okay.

Everyone went home that night knowing in less than 12 hours Aaron would be gone.

Aaron's Death - Day 3

Still waiting.

Doctors are running more tests.
Aaron has no function in his brain.
He is blind.
Is there any hope?

Alateens from another state hear about Aaron.  They know him.  They pack up cars and bring t-shirt supplies for us to make memories of him.  I took a break from being with him and made one.

The family has decided it's the last day for students and friends to visit.  Doctors have given their final words.

There is no hope for recovery of any kind.

Aaron's final day has been decided.

At Easter the previous Sunday, our family shared the good news of Jesus Christ with Aaron at dinner. Each of us shared how we asked Jesus into our heart to forgive our sins and Aaron sat quietly and listened. He asked us some questions and listened some more. We never asked him if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart.  I wanted to make sure he was asked that question.

That day at the hospital I brought two pins. A cross and an angel. I brought the cross in case he could hear me ask him about Jesus.  I also brought my camera. I was able to have some alone time with Aaron. I walked to the head of his bed, looked at his face and said:

" Aaron, if you can hear me, I have a question to ask you. Last weekend we talked to you about Jesus and how he forgives us for our sins and when we ask him into our hearts to forgive us for our sins he does so and we're promised an Eternity in heaven when we die. Aaron if you would like to receive Jesus as your savior and forgiver of your sins and if you'd like for me to baptize you please give me a sign."

I watched Aaron's face and I watched Aaron's body and I looked back up at his face and a tear rolled down from his eye.

I started to cry. I licked my thumb and ran it across his forehead each time saying, "I  baptize you in the name of the Father, in the name of his son Jesus Christ, and in the name of the Holy Spirit."  I pinned the angel to his hospital gown.  I took the Cross pin,  held it on his hand and took a picture.  Then I pinned the cross next to the angel.

I believe Aaron accepted Jesus that day.  So do many others who have heard this story.  There was one witness in the room with me.  His parents were very grateful I had done that with Aaron.

Only God, who loves us so much, can reach us in our darkest hour.

Aaron's Death - Days 1 & 2

It's the eighth year anniversary of my 18 year old nephew Aaron's unexpected death.  We're on the second of five days that he laid in I.C.U. having been revived without oxygen - without a heartbeat for ten minutes.  Revived but unresponsive.

I remember the phone call.  The drive to the hospital.  Praying before I walked in.

Both families gathered.  Friends.  Students.  Waiting.  Hoping.  Praying.

What happened?  How did he get here?

He was huffing propane in the back of a friend's car and stopped breathing.  They pulled over, called 911 and performed CPR.  The ambulance arrived. 

I sat with my nieces.  Talked with my nephews and sisters.  Listened to my brother-in-law give us updates.  I was asked if I wanted to see Aaron by myself.  I did.

I walked back to his area.  He was laying so still.  No movement at all.  Tubes breathing for him.  I talked quietly.  I placed my hand on his head and sensed nothing. 

Going home that night, I knew the week ahead was going to be long and emotional.  I asked God to help me serve my family well and to be a source of comfort.

The second day Aaron had his own room.  Droves of his friends were coming by and it was heartbreaking.  Comforting them with our own tears, warm eyes and hugs was all we could do.  They expected him to be fine.

More tomorrow.

Fatigue

One of the symptoms I dread most about mental illness is fatigue.  The low energy, sluggish feeling that looms darkly for days or weeks at a time.  It doesn't matter if the sun is shining or if my mood is good.  It's fatigue and it sucks.

This time, all of my joints were screaming in pain.  I ached all over.  The weather in Chicagoland wasn't helping.  Ah the joys of winter leaving and spring arriving.  I decided to go see my doctor just to be sure something else wasn't wrong (I had other symptoms, too).  Lots of bloodwork later, I was fine.

Now I wait.

I make sure I rest and push myself just a little bit to take care of myself and the living around me.  Namely, my cats.  I don't isolate.  I keep taking my meds as prescribed.  I do the basics.

One day, the fatigue will lift.
One night, I will sleep better.

Until then, I keep my faith in God that He'll give me the strength I need each day to do His will.  Today, He gave me the strength to do some writing.
For that, I am very grateful.

It's the little things!

Update from the Author

Hello!

My apologies for the lengthy time between my last post and this one.  I have been working on a project that is challenging and rewarding.  I'm writing my story in book form to fulfill God's calling or purpose for my life which is, "To bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering."

"Suffering?"  Yes, from the pain of things I've shared in all of my blog posts.  All of it.  Weaving it together, without triggering details, with the thread of hope and healing power of God's love for us.

I have been blessed with a small group of women who are praying, a supportive family who are helping with some of the factual history and friends who are typing or reading or helping sort through 1,200 pieces of paper of past blog writings to help with content ideas.

Very often I feel inadequate for what God has asked me to do.  When I write, I relive what happened to me.  No longer to the level of total trauma but there's always a sense of sadness.  Thank goodness there are cognitive behavior therapy tools to use.  Thank goodness there are rainbows after the storms.

I feel like Moses standing in front of the burning bush which when he takes a closer look, isn't actually burning.  Then he hears a voice speak to him.  You can find this true account in Exodus 3.

The voice tells him three things:

1.  Take off your sandals for where you are standing is holy ground.

Moses complies.

2.  I have heard the cries of my people and I have come to rescue them.

Moses is glad.

3.  I am sending - you.

Moses - huh?  Who am I?  What if they don't believe me?

Christian comedian Ken Davis acts out a funny little drama using this passage of scripture.  He picks up from where I left off.

Isn't that true of us?  We want proof ahead of time that everything that's going to happen is going to be okay BEFORE we act.  But that wasn't what God was teaching Moses.  He was reassuring Moses that he would not be alone, that God would be with him throughout everything that was going to happen, good or bad.

That's what I've held onto throughout my recovery.  It's what I continue to hold onto as I write my book.  God and I are doing this life together.

I wouldn't want to do anything without Him.

He's the Creator.
I'm the creation.
As it should be.