Grieving Losses of People

A strange but normal thing happened the other day.  Something I thought was finished.  I guess that's why I was so surprised.

I was shopping for Christmas when I spotted some gift boxes for gift cards.  There were two in a package.  I thought to myself, "Perfect, I'll get three packages."

I said to myself, "I'll have enough for six people since one of my nieces won't be getting a gift card."  I paid for my purchases and brought them home.  It wasn't until the next day that my bell got rung.

I was putting the gift cards into the boxes when I saw one left over.  I counted it out again. 

Seven nephews and nieces
One without a gift card
Six gift boxes needed

What was wrong?

And then I remembered.  It happened again.  I included my nephew Aaron in the mix. 

Aaron died from huffing when he was 18 years old in April of 2010.  This was the fourth Christmas his absence would be felt.  Sometimes it feels like the first.

My therapist said it's a form of denial that your subconscious goes into.  Like a way to cope with the grief.  I didn't understand it until I chewed on it for awhile.

Along with Aaron are the reminders of Cathy and my Dad who passed away in February of 2008.  I know I'm not supposed to dwell on the past but I think grief is different. 

Grief has it's own timetable.  It's okay to grieve those we loved and even those who were very difficult to love. 

Grief is grief no matter who it is or how long ago they died.

When Depression Sneaks In

For as long as I can remember, depression has never made a timely announcement that it's here.  It's never sent a letter telling me it's coming to town, never sent an e-mail telling me it's arrived and  never sent a text message that it's at my front door.

Depression has bad communication skills.

Depression is not mean, does not possess anger qualities and does not want revenge.  In fact, I picture depression as the complete opposite.

Like the blob on the Cymbalta commercials, depression looks like it has attachment issues.  It's not overly friendly yet it attaches itself to an individual in the form of a jacket or a robe.  It stays with a person and by doing so, brings the person down in spirit.

Depression is not concerned by which person it picks.  It's a level playing field and everyone is an eligible contender.

Depression often sneaks in - like the quarterback sneak play in football.  You don't see it coming until a few yards have been gained.  It might even be too late to tackle before the damage is done.

When depression sneaks in, I follow some simple steps:

1.  Acknowledge the depression so it doesn't take over my life
2.  Talk about it with my therapist
3.  Take my medications as prescribed
4.  Get plenty of rest
5.  Eat healthy and the best way I can
6.  Make sure I don't over do it
7.  Make sure I don't isolate for too long (maybe a day or two maximum)
8.  Read positive things
9.  Watch funny or positive movies
10.  Talk to my psychiatrist if it goes on for too long

It takes some practice learning about managing my depression.  The more I put those 10 coping skills into practice, the better I'll be able to take care of myself naturally.  So far, we're good.

This is depression day number six.

Pet Peeve

I have several pet peeves but one of them I'll share with you.

Swearing.

I know I've sworn on this blog from time to time but I certainly don't make a habit of it.  The same can be said when I am writing e-mail, tweeting, talking in therapy sessions or to family or friends.

I don't like swearing.  I especially don't like some of the very popular text acronyms for swearing.  Why?  Even though the person is not typing out the swear words, I am reading the acronyms using the swear words.

I don't think people realize how often these are being used.  They've become as commonplace as any other word.  The problem is this:  I don't know what the writer is trying to say.

If someone I was having a conversation with said, "W-T-F," I would have no clue what they meant.  Seriously.  Do you speak using letters or words?

If someone said, "L-M-A-O," I would see them doing this so they wouldn't have to say the letters to me.  Using the letters by themselves would be confusing.

When I swear I am usually so angry I can't think of any other word to communicate how deeply I feel the anger.  I don't swear when I'm happy nor do I swear just to swear.  It's always anger, rage or total frustration.

Swearing, in my opinion, tells me the person does not yet know the proper vocabulary for expressing emotions.  Sometimes it's up to us to seek out that vocabulary.  I've had to retrain my swearing.  I've had to think about what I'm really feeling and try to match it to an emotion instead of a swear word.

I'm by no means judging anyone or claiming to be perfect, believe me.  By having an emotions list, I'm better able to express myself so I can have resolution to my problems in a mature manner.  One that honors God.

There are many emotion lists on the internet.  I chose not to post one because they vary in type of content.  If you type "Emotion Words" in the search, you'll have plenty to look at.

Think about it.  What is swearing covering up for you?

Anger-Rage-Nurturing

The devastation of past abuse, no matter how severe, ever leaves my mind or my memories.  The emotions that surface over and over again are all too familiar.  Sometimes, however, one slips in unnoticed.  A new one with quite a punch.

This year that one is rage.  I've felt hurt, I've felt angry, I've felt sad, I've felt justified and I've felt revenge.  This is the first year I've felt a depth of anger that can only be defined as rage.

Rage is beyond anger.  It's beyond grief.  It's in a category unto itself.  It does not mix with minor emotions.  It's an emotion fueled by several others.

It elicits action that is not positive.  For me, it elicits violence.  Physical violence.  Such as:  punching someone across the mouth over and over again until they are knocked unconscious.  Beefing myself up so I can physically take them on and whip their butt to the point of blood and bruises.  Temporarily immobilizing them so they can't move.  In other words, taking my rage out on them.

But then God sends this:  Nurturing.
In my encounters with others, in my dreams with others and in my imagination with others.

I feel safe with my therapist and she uses a nurturing voice.  It reminds me that I can talk about whatever I need to and if something isn't going right in the session, I can speak up.  It also reminds me of another therapist who did this.

I feel safe with a Bible teacher I've never met.  God sent a dream where I was running for safety and I ran into her yard.  I was afraid to see her and yet I ran into her house, found what I think was her bedroom and hid against the bed.  I was groggy from sleep when I heard her walk in.  She didn't say anything.  Instead I felt her put a blanket over me and say, "Oh, Darlin."  I felt loved and the fear I was running from disappeared.

Right now I'm going to lay down under the covers and watch, "It's A Wonderful Life."  It's a movie that makes me feel warm inside.  I'm alone so I feel safe.  My kitties are sleeping so I know they are safe, too.

Anger - Rage - Nurturing

I don't remember ever being nurtured after the anger, rage or abuse.
I would have liked it.

Honest Rage

A little down.  A little angry.  A little depressed.

Normal feelings when experiencing the fallout of emotions from a childhood racked with physical, sexual and verbal abuse and pain.  No safe outlet, no safe place to hide.

In childhood there was one way to survive - get through it.  Eat, pull out my hair, wet the bed, latch onto safe adults, escape.

In adulthood there are more ways to survive - conquer it.  Drive recklessly, cut, drink alcohol, attempt suicide, overeat, isolate, images of hurting or killing perpetrators, release.

None of these are healthy.  All of them have consequences.

Just for today, I don't care.

I wish I had a gun and access to the perpetrators who made scars on my body and in my mind.

They'd all be dead.

No regrets.

None.