Dealing With A Lot - Part 1

Sometimes I feel my life is so overwhelming.  Have you ever felt that way?  I bet at some point you have.  As an introvert I struggle with talking about what is hurting inside because I like to keep my life private.  Yet there are times when I have a list of hurts that start to build up and if I don't talk about them (or write them down) I start to have migraines and live in silence.

The last two weeks have had situations where I've been needed by others whose fear and sadness were very real.  I've had my own loss which I haven't grieved yet.  Last night I received a phoned call that has tipped me over the proverbial edge which has caused this writing today.

In an effort to get it "out" of me and onto paper (and to also get it in front of Faith's eyes for next week), I'm going to start by listing two of them.  I'm also going to list how I am trying to cope and use good self care.

• Two weeks ago, a friend emailed, asking for prayer for her husband's serious health problem. She said I was great at it.  She is a teacher from high school who I consider an angel sent by God.  I hadn't talked to her for a very long time.  He had a large brain tumor and was scheduled for surgery the following week. I prayed for she, her husband, the tumor, the medical procedure and staff and anything else God prompted me to pray for.  She did a little socializing so I did a little socializing back. I tried not to stick my head in too much because she does have a support system. She shared that the cancer is aggressive and will return.  I responded with few words. Her husband came home and was asleep.  She let me know her family and friends were there for support.  I sent a reply stating it sounds like all is well.  I mailed a card.  There's been no word from her since.  I believe what she needed from me has been met.  
• Self-Care:  I did not become obsessed by making sure I did everything perfectly.  I did not over-communicate with her.  I waited for her to communicate with me, I asked God how to respond to her and I asked God what would be an encouragement to her.  Because I've never been married, I have no idea what it's like to have a spouse with a life threatening health problem.  I asked God to keep me from saying anything stupid or insensitive.  I also asked God to help keep my Borderline Personality Disorder in check.  So far, so good.
• Last week, my cat (Kitten) did not come home.  Where I live it was the last nice day we were going to have.  She was going in and out of the house several times.  When she didn't come home that night, I thought she'd be home in the morning.  She wasn't.  Our temperatures took a nose dive.  We've been in the 30's down to the single digits.  I've been searching for her, posted a flyer, followed up on a couple of leads but no sign of her.  I'm afraid with these frigid cold temps she either found someplace warm and isn't coming out or hasn't survived them.
• Self-Care:  I've asked for help from neighbors and updated the flyer with a better picture of her.  I'm being realistic about the possibility of her return.  I've done some crying, however, I have yet to let go of her completely.  

I hope to list two (or more) of them again tomorrow.  This might not seem like a lot but to me, when it's all out, it will be the sum total of everything my heart and mind have been handling.

I haven't shared a video for awhile.  This one has some great lessons and a great message.  It's Pixar's, "For the Birds," and it plays at the beginning of Monsters, Inc..

Healing: Open or Closed

If it weren't for the hope of becoming a better person who can one day feel a little better and maybe function a little better, I would not put myself through the trouble of healing from abuse.

It takes a lot of courage to face the truth that's been stuffed down for decades.  The courage I have doesn't come solely from me.  It comes from God within me.

It takes a lot of fishing trips.  To cast my line into the unknown waters of my memory and hook something that will inevitably cause me pain to uncover.  I have to take it off the hook, thump it on the head, clean it, fillet it and cook it when I'm ready so that it's gone forever.  I don't like hooking or killing fish.

It's very draining, healing from abuse.  I'm tired quite a lot.  I don't feel social and I don't feel like eating.  I'd love to stay on the couch all day and sometimes I do.  I don't want to talk to people, I can't concentrate to read and I just want to be left alone.

I know it's not good for me or that's what I've been told.  I think people who haven't been abused like I have don't understand the need for isolation when going through the process of healing.  I've spent so many years trying to function in the world.  Six years ago I ended up having a seizure that changed my life.

Now I'm on disability, unable to work, have a stack of mental illnesses and a physical disability and now I have to be careful what I do and how I do it.  I don't think well meaning people know what to do with all of that.  They want to help but don't know how.  I certainly don't want help because I don't know what to tell them and I prefer to be alone in my house which is where I feel the safest.

There's people who want to get together with me and I want to see them, too.  The only problem is I know my social anxiety ramps up and I end up shaking.  I hate it but that's the way it is.

I have hope of one day feeling better but I know I'm the only one who truly understands me.  I remember being in a therapy session and the therapist was having difficulty trying to help me.  I was stuck silent.  At group therapy the next day, where we process stuff, I said I didn't want to be treated like a text book.  I'm not a textbook.  I wanted to be treated like an individual, not someone on page 216.

I still feel that way but I don't have anyone treating me like a textbook.  Maybe I feel like one because a book can be open or closed and right now...

I'm closed.

Obesity Thoughts

I've talked before about my struggle with food but I need to talk about it again.
For the past month or so I've been changing what I eat and how much I eat.
The month or so before I added nine pounds.
As of this week I've taken off six of those pounds.

I don't throw myself a party or find myself cheering.
I don't celebrate nor do I count it as weight loss.
I simply say, "I have three more pounds to loose to get to where I was."
Then I can begin again.

Is this too harsh?  I don't think so.
When my weight is going up and down like that I'm not achieving a goal.
I'm playing with my food and living a lie.
Only when my weight stays off have I achieved my goal.

I want to live in a body that is not consumed by thoughts of food.
I want my body to be able to walk sensible distances without undue stress.
I want to strengthen my body safely so that I can protect myself from harm.
I want my body to feel fit and firm - not fat and flabby.

I think my body is the outward picture of the inner me.
My insides have some healing to do.
I'm not on a timetable to get all of that yuck pulled out and thrown away.
Instead, it's important that I continue digging and exposing what needs to be pulled.

Only by God's will and His grace will I achieve this healing.
It's my prayer that I stay in His will and grace.
It's my prayer that my therapist stay in His will and grace.
It's my prayer that those whom God has placed in my life stay in His will and grace.

Amen

Please Rescue Me

Our friends try to understand the pain we feel inside.
They are horrified at what happened to us.
They are saddened that our childhood was stolen from us.
They are angered that our little bodies were battered and bruised.
They wish they could have been there to stop it.

I had times in the abusive days when I wished someone would rescue me.
I was pretty naive during the sexual abuse so I never thought anything was wrong.
It was the physical abuse, the physical pain, when I wanted help.
I wanted someone to bust through the door, shove my dad aside and take me out of there.
But that never happened.

Wanting a superhero to come get me was only going to happen one way.
I was going to have to leave.
I had to runaway from my home and escape to a place where I wouldn't be found.
So that's what I did.
But as it turns out, the place I ran to called my mom and dad.

I didn't tell her about the abuse.
I didn't tell anyone.
Had I told I didn't know what would happen.
People who weren't familiar with abuse tended to overreact.
I could loose my parents, sisters and home.

All that pain I felt inside?
I shoved it very far down so it wouldn't surface.
Those memories of physical, sexual, verbal and mental abuse?
I shoved down even further.
It was a matter of survival.

Now that one of the abusers is dead, I can finish that work and call it done.
The other five can be worked on and finished just as well.
There is no timetable for the work to be done.
Slow and steady wins the race.

Talking and Tears Like Rain

Simply put, there are memories that don't want to be talked about.  I have at least one, perhaps two that I don't want to talk about.  These could be the ones that keep my food addiction in play so I have to ask myself, "How Important Is It?"

I told Faith that I can't stop therapy with her until all this excess weight is off - 80 pounds or so..  I was putting my foot down.  I knew it had to do with feelings and emotions and food and probably untold sexual abuse secrets.

I knew I'd have to delve back into those memories and talk about the ones I'd been avoiding for the last eight years.  What Carol and I began in 2006 was now going to go deeper into the core of the problem  There was another person close to me who abused me through domination.

Then there's four others.  Two of which I have vivid memories and the other two I felt creeped out when I was around them.  Sick to my stomach creeped out.  There were multiple perpetrators at one time.  I felt like a revolving door.

I felt like my purpose in life was to be used for someone else's sexual gratification.  I had no identity - before the abuse or afterward.  I was used up, I cleaned up and then they left.  They would make comments about my body.  They would compare my body to someone else's.  They would act as if nothing transpired when it was done.

I would be confused afterward.  Did I do it right?  Was I still someone you liked?  Did the bleeding bother you?  I'll do better next time.

The messages I told myself were based on receiving favor from these perpetrators.  People who took advantage of me turned into people I wanted to please and get approval from.  This is how my childhood was:

Verbal Abuse - Say the right thing and don't get yelled at.
     Problem:  Never found out what the right thing was.
Mental Abuse - Think about what the right behavior is and do it
     Problem:  Never figured out the right behavior
Physical Abuse - Avoid confrontations when drunk came home
     Problem:  He always drew me into a confrontation or I picked one
Sexual Abuse - Pretend I'm asleep or unresponsive
     Problem:  It didn't matter what I did

Being 80+ pounds overweight has been used as a shield of protection.

Lord, in all your wisdom, comfort and grace, please replace this false shield of protection and
"hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. (Eph 6:16)