I told Faith that I can't stop therapy with her until all this excess weight is off - 80 pounds or so.. I was putting my foot down. I knew it had to do with feelings and emotions and food and probably untold sexual abuse secrets.
I knew I'd have to delve back into those memories and talk about the ones I'd been avoiding for the last eight years. What Carol and I began in 2006 was now going to go deeper into the core of the problem There was another person close to me who abused me through domination.
Then there's four others. Two of which I have vivid memories and the other two I felt creeped out when I was around them. Sick to my stomach creeped out. There were multiple perpetrators at one time. I felt like a revolving door.
I felt like my purpose in life was to be used for someone else's sexual gratification. I had no identity - before the abuse or afterward. I was used up, I cleaned up and then they left. They would make comments about my body. They would compare my body to someone else's. They would act as if nothing transpired when it was done.
I would be confused afterward. Did I do it right? Was I still someone you liked? Did the bleeding bother you? I'll do better next time.
The messages I told myself were based on receiving favor from these perpetrators. People who took advantage of me turned into people I wanted to please and get approval from. This is how my childhood was:
Verbal Abuse - Say the right thing and don't get yelled at.
Problem: Never found out what the right thing was.
Mental Abuse - Think about what the right behavior is and do it
Problem: Never figured out the right behavior
Physical Abuse - Avoid confrontations when drunk came home
Problem: He always drew me into a confrontation or I picked one
Sexual Abuse - Pretend I'm asleep or unresponsive
Problem: It didn't matter what I did
Being 80+ pounds overweight has been used as a shield of protection.
Lord, in all your wisdom, comfort and grace, please replace this false shield of protection and
"hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. (Eph 6:16)
