15 Minutes and My Dentist

Have you ever noticed God shows up in the darnedest of places?

Please Read This Writing First

This past week I went back to the same dentist for some filling replacements. I was now reading the book of Job and started reading in the lobby.  When they brought me back, I had some time to read before my dentist arrived.  When she did, she sat on her chair, scooted right up behind me so she could see what I was reading and asked, "Now what are you reading?"  I told her the book of Job.  She looked up and repeated the word then asked what it was about.  I told her it was about a man who God gave everything to, Satan said that's why his faith in God was so strong so God allowed Satan to take everything but not touch his body.  "Oh," she said, "We're not supposed to hold onto things too tightly."  Yes.

Remembering her repeating the word Job to herself, I asked her what she was doing and she said she didn't know how it translated.  This got me curious.  I asked her what language she reads.  She said Chinese.  Ah-ha!  That made sense.  I bet my English Bible looked foreign to her like Chinese looks to me.

She started drilling and it felt like a long process.  I was ruminating on purchasing a Chinese Bible but how do I get one in the version I want?  I stopped at a local Christian Bookstore and asked some questions.  They were very helpful and suggested some websites.

This has been an education.  I think I'm going to get her a Bible in common Chinese (I've already learned more about the Chinese dialect than I thought possible) and have her Bible personalized.  The one I'm getting is a Chinese/English Bible so she can, hopefully in the future, attend either a Chinese or English speaking church and have a bible that would work for either congregation.

You know, in China, Chinese Christians are persecuted for their beliefs.  They have house churches or underground churches and if they're caught, the could be put to death.  This woman is in America where she is free to believe and follow whatever religion or in our case, relationship, she wants to.  It's my prayer that seeing Jesus goes beyond reading my Bible to showing her His kindness and the value He places on her life.

I don't know her past or what brought her here.  All I know is she probably thinks of me as the Bible lady.  That's a good place to start because I feel God put this doctor into my life to draw her closer to Jesus.  She is a wonderful dentist.  I'm so glad my heart is hearing the whispers of God to help His lost children draw closer to Him.

God Will Make A Way

A Knock on the Window

Saturday was the birthday of one of my dearest BFFs.  Because of some medication changes I hadn't the ability to make her gift.  I wasn't sure of her schedule that day so I opted to send her an email.  At the same time I was driving to my other BFFs house to wash some of my blankets and go to the store to teach me how to eat healthier so I can lose this now 96 pounds.  I was using the microphone on my phone, speaking the email but it was getting all messed up.  That's when I decided to pull into a small shopping center in the next town and type it myself.

I was almost done proof reading when there was a knock at my passenger side window.  There stood a young lady who looked like she'd seen better days.  I cracked open the window.  She asked, "Can I sit in your car?  I'm pretty cold."  I quickly ran through my thoughts of safety and being robbed and decided this might be a God encounter.  I unlocked the door, pressed Send for the email and she sat down and closed the door.  She said thank you then burst into tears and kept apologizing.  I rubbed her back and said, "Oh honey, you have nothing to apologize for."  She continued breaking down into tears and I tenderly spoke to her, continuing to rub her back.

I asked her what happened.  She told me what she felt comfortable telling a stranger.  After about 15 minutes I told her I was going to my friend's house.  She was a little hesitant until I explained how warm and comforting my friend is.  I told her she'd make her breakfast and tea and I knew she had a charger for her phone.  She sat and thought for a minute.  I asked if I could put the car in gear to leave and if she wanted to get out at anytime, I'd let her out.  She agreed to go.  I called my friend and as I began to explain what was happening, the young lady burst into tears again and my friend said, yes, get her here.

The next couple of hours we listened to her story and counseled her as best we could.  I talked to her about how important it is to stay on your anxiety medication  and to stay sober.  I shared a little bit of my story then she shared some of hers.  She was having a hard time staying sober and I told her you have to want it more than anything.  My friend talked to her about boyfriends and boundaries.  How letting someone abuse you is not okay.  How making healthier choices is the key but she can't do that for she and her baby if she's drinking.

By the end, we drove her home, still concerned about her safety.  She has the tools to stay safe - she knows it's up to her to put them into action.  We gave her our phone numbers, watched her walk into her house, waited a few minutes then drove away.

God wanted more than my blankets cleaned that morning.
He wanted the soul of His broken child washed clean from bad choices she's made.
She knew I was a Christian from the beginning when she sat in my car.
I wanted her to know she was completely safe.  She must have felt God's presence.
Jesus washed my soul clean from bad choices I made, too.
It's important we share our brokenness so that others can relate to us.

Sometimes, when there's a knock at the window, God has sent one of His broken children to receive His love and guidance through you.  What an amazing God!

Easter

This is the day Christ came out of the tomb, showed his scars on His hands and feet to His disciples and hundreds, told them about the Holy Spirit coming as soon as He returns to Heaven and then he ascends.  That's pretty much what Easter is all about.  And I'm grateful.

My physical challenges are multiplying.  Seizure activity, although now reduced to body movements and tremors, has caused me to decide to stay home.  I was going to go to a friend's sister's house but with a headache, too, it's not worth it.

Yesterday I was busying myself most of the day.  I was supposed to be resting.  When I sensed the Holy Spirit say to me, "Amy, if you don't rest you're going to end up in the hospital,"  I ignored it but then it was getting louder.  I finally succumbed to the couch and watched Music Man - the 1961 original.  Then I understood why I needed rest.

So much is going on all at one time.  I'm not going to bother to list it because it hasn't changed from the other day.  All I know is my book is becoming real and I think Satan is messing with my body.  I know all he can do is what God allows him to do so he doesn't have any power over me.  If I can just have a time of strengthening, I would really appreciate it.

Today, I rest or do little stuff that fills me up.

Easter 2016 - Not what I want it to be.

I searched for something that would help me feel hopeful.  The below is a sand art presentation of the movie, "The Passion of the Christ."  Press play then expand the picture to fill your screen.  It's amazing to watch.

Stress and Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures

Thursday night, the seizures came back.  It's been about seven months since I had one at church.  I down played it as I often do so that I don't get the emotional support I need.  It's what I know to do.  It's not taking care of myself or my needs.  It's time for a change.

I've had more than I can count moments when I'm hanging on by my fingernails rather than my hands.  My eyes are fixed on Jesus and my fingers are touching His cloak for healing.  There have been times when healing takes place and for that, I am very grateful.  Dare I say, "But..."?

But I find myself with thoughts of dying and my book not being finished.  It's not a new thought.  I've written about it before.  But when my balance is off and I start to fall to the side or backwards, when my head is pounding with a migraine or a headache, when my right hand tremors make it difficult to type never mind write or when my back locks up from standing too long, I wonder how quickly and truthfully I can write.

The seizures I had the other day scared me.  But....I told one person.  It was "doctor" week.  Neurologist, internist, root canal and brain MRI.  I didn't plan it that way and I certainly needed all of them.  I pushed myself through it.  I pushed hard.  The day of the brain MRI was the evening those seizures occurred.

These were not what I've had in the past.  They were a series of short seizure bursts as I sat on the couch at 8:45 p.m..  My body stiffens, I curl forward and I can't breathe for 3-4 seconds.  It repeated itself, one right after another, about 9 times.  I had pain in my chest and in my back and I also had shortness of breath.  I figured it was from seizing but still, I thought about driving to the ER.

Just then, my friend sent a text message.  I told her what was happening then she called.  I told her I was okay, this has happened before, there's nothing to worry about.  I told her I'd try to reach a friend to drive me but if not I could drive myself.  So, I did.

The doctor said, "Amy, I remember you.  What's going on?"  I told him what was happening.  I was sure it was seizure activity but because of the lingering pain I was having I wanted to make sure it wasn't a heart attack or anything else.  He ran the tests, took x-rays and said everything looked fine.  He was even pleased with my Lithium level.  Yes, they were emotion based.  Home I went.

I had a couple more yesterday, I'm still shaking but considering all I've been through, physically I'm okay even though physically I feel like crap.

I had all the tests for epilepsy a few years ago.  Every test came back negative.  At that time, they called the type of seizures I have pseudoseizures or psychologically based.  I've not been on medication for them because my type needs strong medical and psychotherapy support.  But that doesn't guarantee I won't have episodes.

The past almost two months I've had these indicators that seizures could happen:

• Moderate to severe headaches and migraines
• Moderate to severe right hand tremors
• Panic/Anxiety from the thought of being with or around people
• PTSD from reading my blogs for the book
• Borderline Personality Disorder has been kicking up
• No therapy due to cold, virus and tests
• I've changed what I eat and measure how much I eat.  I've already lost 4 lbs. 
• More of my car got fixed; almost done.
• Last night I followed through on my Good Friday tradition of watching, "The Passion of the Christ."  I always cry when He is scourged almost to death.  I feel so deeply when His mother wipes His blood off the stone ground.  I feel her pain as she sheds tears through out His final footsteps.  When the movie is over, I go to the scene of the Last Supper and take communion with them.  I have to.  He's my Savior and I love Him with all my heart.

I know I need to rest but my thoughts are racing.   I want to work on my book, print a blog for one of my friends who just joined our group and maybe get in a walk weather permitting.  I might work in my shed or re-carpet the cat tree.  First, I will lay down.

I love my friends, I really do.  There are times when I don't want to tell them anything else that's wrong because their liable to hug me or show concern on their faces.  I don't want anyone concerned.  I've gotten through hard times, in fact, the hardest times by myself.

But is that what God wants for me?  I think not.  Even though I don't have a clue how to receive their love and desire to help, it's not right that I be selfish by rejecting what they want to give.  Somehow I have to get that turned around and stop thinking how much of a mess I am and how much of a burden I can be.  Truth???

I don't want them to leave me.
I feel scared that I'll tip them over and out.
I feel vulnerable.
I have holes inside that God filled and He uses others to help fill other holes.
I'm too independent, a smart person and a deep feeler.
I love those I connect to deeply.
Don't leave me because I'm mentally ill and physically challenged.
My little girl screams,"I'll be good!  I promise!"

I miss my therapist.

A friend recently said to me, "You suffer in silence."  Yes, I do.  Right or wrong, it's the way I know to stay safe.

Click here for:   Information on Psychogenic-non-epileptic seizures

The below video is spot on for me:

Good Friday

It's not about preparations for Easter Sunday or the coloring of eggs.
It's not about the lamb shaped butter or what to wear on your legs.  (sorry!)
It's not about the baskets of goodies for little children to enjoy.
It's not about the jelly beans, it's not about the toys.

It's about a man named Jesus whose life came to be,
On Christmas day He was born then died at thirty-three.
Here are the truths about my Savior,
A trustworthy one is He.

(This is from my Facebook page)

When Jesus lived, He taught us how to live.  
When Jesus prayed, He taught us how to pray.  
When Jesus rebuked, He taught us how to confront wrongs.  
When Jesus chose the disciples, He chose men who were flawed.  
When Jesus talked to women, He told them their worth.  
When Jesus was betrayed, He knew the consequences.  
When Jesus was taken away, His friends left him. 
When Jesus was tried for proclaiming He is the King of Jews, His fate was traded for a murderer to be set free.
When Jesus was scourged, His Mom cleaned up His blood.  
When the prison officials pushed a crown of thorns into His head, Jesus did not take it off.  
When Jesus struggled to carry His cross, a stranger was chosen to help him.  
When Jesus made his way up the hill, still carrying His cross, the stranger was now his friend.  
When Jesus was nailed to the cross, He cried out in pain.  
When the cross was dropped into the hole in the ground, Jesus cried out, again.  
Jesus pardoned one of the two thieves to show us that forgiveness is never too late.  
Before Jesus died, He asked His Father to forgive the soldiers.  
When Jesus said, "Into thy hands I commit My spirit," He was talking to His Father.  

When Jesus died, there was a great earthquake that shook the earth. Darkness fell over the land for 3 hours. When it was quiet, His body was lowered and removed from the cross then placed in a borrowed tomb. A large stone was rolled in front and a guard was placed in front of it so that the body could not be stolen by His followers for they could claim He has risen.  

This is Good Friday.