The chewing of the inside of my cheeks died down. Now it and biting the outsides of my tongue have picked up. What's changed?
I wish I knew. It's too bad self-injury feels good physically. Maybe it's because of all the physical abuse I endured that my pain tolerance is so high. Or it could be from the car accident in 1992. The back surgeries, both in my back and in my front. Chronic migraine pain sometimes so severe that even the pain meds won't work and I end up at the ER. Emotional pain that when I'm paying attention to it knocks the wind out of me. Pain of some sort is causing this desire to cut.
Relational pain. I'm still in it. I need to initiate two conversations, neither of which I want to have. As a follower of Jesus Christ, I am to be at peace with all people as much as possible. I get it. God never said it would be easy. He promised to be with me in it and through it.
Pain is uncomfortable.
I'm trying to sit in the uncomfortable.
Dr. Erin said, "It sounds like you are having a difficult patch and I hope you continue to work on finding ways to manage through this in healthy ways. Keep using your support and know that recovery is not a straight path. Just remember many of the things that we did talk about are still with you, revisit them and get back to basics."
No cutting tonight.
