My day can be filled with many little problems. I move from one problem to the next. I don't have time to catch my breath.
My day can be filled with one big problem. I try many solutions. Maybe I find one that works. Maybe I don't.
My day can be filled with familiar emotions from a childhood trauma. Post traumatic stress syndrome. I do my best to get through it.
My day can have a hard therapy session. One where I talk about something I've never shared. I leave feeling exposed and vulnerable.
These are just a few examples over the past couple of months.
For most women who have been abused, recovery leads us down a road that is both familiar yet scary. We have flashbacks of the abuse, we dream about it and the abuser, we feel body sensations and often times our senses are on high alert.
I've had all of those happen plus feeling certain the abuser was in the bathroom with me when I was getting ready to step into the shower. I actually felt him breathe on me.
Nowadays I still have some of those triggers. I still cry tears of sadness. I still feel rage at what they did to me. I still long to be put back together.
Being patient with the process, staying honest with my therapist and doing the hard work God has set before me to do will (I believe) fill in the deep cracks of my life.
My Mom once said to God, "I have all of these broken pieces I'd like to have fixed."
God said, "I intend to."
That's my heart's cry.
