The work I've been doing is work I haven't yet done. I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm going to give it a try. The shock of Cathy's death (the way she died and all the details surrounding her death) were a huge blow to our family and hers. My mom drove down immediately. The day my mom returned home she received a call from Tracy that our Dad had died. She got back into her van and drove back down.
It was literally one blow followed by another blow. We get done burying Cathy then our Dad dies. Not only does he die but there is so much dysfunction wrapped up in his death that we (my sisters and I) don't really know how to process it. I ended up shutting down and not talking much about it.
I'm not the type of person who enjoys living in grief. I'm quite the opposite. I avoid and shut off those feelings because they bring up so much pain. Faith and I have been working on getting me to feel my feelings and put self-care techniques into place. So instead of overeating, drinking or cutting, I'm learning to write, distract and talk about what's going on. I'm also learning how to sit in the uncomfortable feelings.
I would love to one day have Cathy's, Aaron's, Maryla's, and Karen's birthday's be a celebration of their lives. For now, I need to work through the grief so that the joy will be genuine.
As for my Dad, I do not want nor need a day of celebration for his life. There is nothing for me to celebrate. The few good memories I have do not come close to overtaking all of the abusive memories that will be with me forever. I've forgiven him and that's all God asks me to do.
Grief is a complicated emotion because people go through it in different ways. Right now, I'm experiencing high levels of pain and memories six years after the fact. It doesn't matter what others tell me - this is between me and God and I'm following His lead.
I'm giving myself time to rest, time to write, time to reach out to my friends and eat as best I can. I'm not going to try to do all of it perfectly. I'm not going to try to do any of it perfectly. My goal today is to avoid cutting. It's what I wanted to do after my therapy session and I'm on top of it.
I'm feeling very tired so I'm going to stop writing. If you're going through a delayed reaction to someones death, you're not alone. Ask God what He wants you to do, ask Him to help you everyday then start doing it. I feel better even though I feel yucky and drained.
Be at peace.
