There are several reasons:
- I'm scared of the feelings I'm having.
- I feel overwhelmed and want to drink.
- I don't feel safe "out here."
- It quiets my head.
- I don't have to talk to anyone.
- It pushes people away.
- I can hide in plain sight.
- I can pretend I'm okay.
- It doesn't hurt anyone.
- So I can function.
I know these are not healthy reasons. All of them have served me well at some time in my life. I used this method of coping today.
Shutting down is another form of isolation. It takes me away from the world and puts me into a cocoon. The problem is that I don't emerge as a butterfly. I emerge as the same caterpillar.
God wants more for me than to stay the same. He wants me to trust Him on this journey. He has placed safe people around me who can help me transform into a butterfly.
One of those people is my therapist. She told me God has wonderful plans for me. Plans to prosper me and to give me hope.
She was reminding me of Jeremiah 29:11.
There are days I want to stay a caterpillar. Today is one of those days. The thought of being transformed, even though it's a desire I said out loud, still scares me.
What if I fail?
What if I don't do it right?
What if I get finished and I don't like who I've become?
OR
What if I succeed?
What if I do it right?
What if I get finished and I really like who I've become?
Given the choice, I pick the latter one.
