If I'm Sad, I'll Cry

This is Kitten

I feel very scared and sad today.  I still haven't sorted through the feelings from the past few weeks.  Now one of my most treasured cats hasn't come home.  Her name is Kitten.  I rescued her when she was pregnant with two kittens.  The name seemed to stick.  I guess her age to be eleven.  She's such a sweet kitty and loves to be loved on.  I don't know if she's coming back. That's up to God.

With as many cats as I've had I've gotten used to them venturing off by themselves and not returning.  Some of them have been hit by cars, some of them die at home and some of them I take to the vet and hold them when they cross over from here into eternity.  The hardest ones are when they walk off.

There's a sense of closure that never comes until enough time has passed.  Until then, I hope they'll be on the porch in the morning or when I get home from an errand.  When that doesn't happen, I say a silent prayer for them, knowing God knows where they are even if I do not.  That alone brings me comfort.

I'm not feeling the comfort.  I feel like crying, I feel a lot of stress.  I'm taking more panic/anxiety pills a day than I usually do.  I bought a tub of gum so I don't overeat.  There's no where for me to hide that is dark enough or isolated enough so I cannot be found.

I thought about calling Faith but she only has ten minutes.  I thought about writing down all the crap inside of me but there's nothing I can do about it so why bother.  Stuff with Bonnie keeps churning up and I just want to throw a book at her.  Some book that tells her treating someone with mental illness like they're going to murder your family is like treating someone with cancer like they're going to shave the heads of everyone in your family and make them throw up every time they eat.

I can't wait to do nothing for her birthday.  It's freeing and I hope it sends the right message.  When we met with Lynne, I said I did not want a Christmas card relationship with her.  I throw those away.  We no longer have a relationship.  Even though we were once best friends, that sentiment is a thing of the past..

Anyway, I pray Kitten comes home.  I'll cry if she doesn't.
She's a very sweet kitty.
I love her very much.