Don't get me wrong - I love my family. They are the greatest source of joy in my life next to my relationship with God. But depression is a battle in my mind that is a challenge to overcome any time of the year.
Today, as many of you, I have a lot to do. But my spirit is downcast. I want to curl up on my couch under a blanket. I want to mindlessly watch television. I want to close my front door and lock it so that no one will enter.
I feel sad, too. I have four dear friends who suffered the death of someone close and precious to them this year. There's nothing I can do except pray for them which feels helpless. I love them all very much. The only thing I can do is what the Holy Spirit leads me to do.
I've been very distracted. I couldn't focus at our Christmas service. It was the first one in my new church. I kept thinking about Willow Creek, Bill's teaching, singing Silent Night at the end and hugging my family. Not all years but some. Last night I wasn't with any family. My mom canceled and I was really looking forward to her going.
Anxious thoughts are rushing through my head. I want to quiet them down but the only way I know how to do that is to write, distract myself and take a medication. I'm doing all of those so I should be feeling less anxiety soon.
The depression? I don't know if it will lift and I certainly don't know when. I miss Aaron so much. I wish he were here and I could hear, "Aunt Amy!!!!!" and then be bulldozed by his running up to me and grabbing onto me for a big hug. But all I have left of him are memories in my mind and photographs that will never be added to. His age of 18 is frozen in time.
Christmas is a celebration of Jesus' birth.
This year feels like the death of loved ones passed. But life goes on, even in difficult grief. And this song is why it's possible to get through these emotional and trying times:
