Perhaps it's because I've lived most of my life on my own. Not alone but without the closeness of a healthy family or friendships. There are two friends I loved who loved me back without condition: Avis, who loved me and helped me into my relationship with Jesus and Bonnie, who loved me and was like my big sister. I was blessed to have them both. But they are no more.
Today I have more than two, many more. So as I enter my cave to process and feel safe, I take with me the depression, the memories, the fear, the shaking and the muddled brain that has scattered thoughts and flashes of my abused past.
This cave has remained a safe place since I began my recovery at 14 years old. It's amazing how long and how deep those caverns have been and how I long to be inside of them. No one knows where they are. I travel there in my hiking boots with my gear and camp in the dampness. I can't be found because I am in a place no one else has traveled.
I light a fire and the cavern has an orange glow that reveals the drawings I've sketched on the walls. I spend time studying them. Yes, they reflect back to me all the abuse that was forced upon my body. I see myself up above my body when the sexual abuse was happening. I see the creeping shadows on the wall when there was someone entering my room at night. I see fights with my dad, the day I ran away from home for two weeks, how he yelled at me to get the f*** out of the house. So I did.
All of this gets triggered. Maybe it's the writing of the book. Maybe it's the content of my last prayer time at church. Maybe this has been inching it's way forward. Maybe it's why I've been trying to act as if I'm okay when I'm clearly not. Maybe it's all of it.
At this moment, the reason why it's happening doesn't matter. It's here, I'm here, so I best get about the business of figuring it out. I don't need any help. In fact, that's the last thing I need. Having someone else speak into it who hasn't been there is more harmful than good. I know what I'm doing. I know I'll be okay in about a week to ten days.
Isolate except for going to church.
Keep quiet.
Avoid the prayer team.
Listen.
I pray before I go to bed for others. Not myself. I'm angry at God and don't want Him in my life right now. I know He understands.
So do I.
