Healing Is Hard Work

When the day is done and I'm finished interacting with people, the weight of what I'm carrying in my mind and my emotions resumes its heaviness.

If the phone rings, I put on the mask of pleasant conversation.  I'll share an outline of obligatory words that describe in very vague terms some of what I've been feeling but even with a trusted friend I will not reveal any of the details.

I sit on my couch, staring at this screen, wondering what to write.  I have no epiphany or poetry or wise words about what I'm experiencing.  No insight or spiritual awakening or story that explains the struggles or ties them together somehow for a specific purpose.

It's just one of those days that's coming to a close with the same heaviness I woke up with this morning.

I know God has a plan for all of it.

I know God will work it out for His good.

I know God will one day take this mess and make it good.

Until then, I work on it with my therapist.

I work on it daily.

I take my medication.

I work on my self-care and my food plan.

And I keep it touch with God so that I can hear what it is He wants me to do, be and become.

Using Word Pictures To Describe Depression

Scene from the movie, "Gettysburg."

I went to see my psychiatrist.  He's the best.  He's very upbeat, asks great questions, listens intently and makes suggestions that are up to you to decide - except medication adjustments.

With all that's been going on, I hadn't planned on how to describe the depression I've been feeling.  When he asked, "Amy, how have you been feeling lately?", I said, "Really, really heavy."  We talked about how this is the worst time of year for me.

Then I remembered one of my favorite DVD's and I gave him this word picture:

"I'm a Civil War buff.  I picture myself as a soldier in the civil war and I'm shooting other soldiers.  But then I get shot and I fall to the ground.  Then I claw at the ground trying to get to safety.  That's how I feel.  I'm clawing my way to safety."

My psychiatrist's reaction was interesting.  He told me that's when I should come into the hospital so he can make adjustments to my medications and I'll be safe.  I told him I wasn't suicidal nor did I want to self-injure.

I told him my therapist and I are tackling some sexual abuse stuff that's really deep.  He let out a big sigh and gave me a dose of encouragement and helpful advice about my eating issues.  He decided to increase one of my anti-depressants and warned me that it might cause the desire to want to eat more.  He wanted me to keep track of it with my therapist and do the hard work of getting through to the other side.  I told him I've worked through one perpetrator.  It's the other five I need to get through.

As always, I left that appointment feeling better than when I first went in.

I don't understand people who don't talk and tell the truth to their therapist and their doctors.  These people are trained to help you.  You go to them for help yet you don't tap into all the help they can give.  The professionals in my life are here because I chose them, with God's help, to be here.  If I didn't trust them they wouldn't be here.

So if you're struggling with finding the right words to tell someone how you feel, use a word picture like I did.  I find movies very helpful.  I hope you find one that works for you.

Dealing With A Lot - Final

I remain concerned about my cat who has been gone for twelve days.  It's hard not being able to find her.  Our weather has a couple of warmer temps so I'm hopeful she'll come out of hiding and be sitting on my porch.  There's a good chance I can crawl under my home with my flashlight to make sure she's not under there.

I continue to feel drained and very, very tired.  I struggle to keep my eyes open.  I'm sleeping better at night.  I'm dog sitting for a dear friend which is good.  I love these dogs.  One of them licks my face when I'm sleeping to let her out.  I don't get woken up like that at home.  It's usually a kitty paw on my face or someone pouncing on my tummy.

A few nights ago my mom called.  She had a major headache all day and went to see her doctor.  Mom had a TIA years ago so anytime she has something related to a stroke she has to see her doctor.  So far they've run a bunch of tests.  They haven't told her the results so she's guessing everything is okay.

She has a brain MRI scheduled for this Tuesday.  She does have a little more plaque on her brain.  She says it's normal because she's 71.

I received this phone call after my friend's husband had the large cancerous brain tumor removed and the night of Grandma Miller's wake.  I could barely have the conversation with my mom.

I felt like another bomb had been dropped.  Our conversation was short.  I hung up the phone and said, "Lord, I can't handle any more of anything."

The next morning I woke up with a killer migraine.  I took my meds and then my entire head went numb for about half an hour.  I should have taken myself to the emergency room but honestly, I had no energy to do anything.  The numbing came and went for about an hour and a half then it stopped.  Then I rested at home and didn't do anything.

• Self-Care:  Trying to use more boundaries is tricky.  Learning how to measure my ability to give takes practice but I think I did okay.  It's good to know what's practical to find my cat.  It's healthy to know if I can listen to my mom and if so, how much.  I didn't do good taking care of the numbness all over my head so I'll try to do better next time.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 3

Grandma and Grandpa Miller - taken Feb 2009

My sister called.  She wanted to let me know that Grandma Miller wasn't doing well.  The doctors didn't expect her to live much longer.  She would be leaving us soon.

When my sister married her husband, we were welcomed into a big family.  Grandma and Grandpa Miller were her husbands grandparents.  They were deeply in love with each other and it showed in the way they treated each other.

Grandpa Miller passed away three years ago.  I went to the wake and the funeral.  I felt very sad.  He was a warm and gentle man who had a radiant smile.  The pain of his passing hurt his wife, his children, his grandchildren and those whose lives he touched.  Ours included.

The next week  I was bringing my adult nephew home when I saw my sister at a stop sign.  I stopped, rolled down my window and said, "Hey!  Where you going?"  She said Grandma has taken a turn for the worse and she was going to go sit with her.  I asked if she wanted me to be there and she said yes.

I asked my nephew if she knew where  Grandma was.  He gave me the information.  But when I circled the parking lot my sister's car was not there.  Just then my sister called.  My nephew didn't know she'd been moved to another facility I knew about but my sister said not to make the drive.  She said something is telling her not to leave.  She was understandably upset and crying.

I talked with her for a few minutes then she said she'd call me back.  I began to drive home.  When I was about five miles from home my cell phone rang again.  I answered it and heard my sister crying.  Grandma Miller had passed away and she was there to hold her hand and hear her final breaths.

I found a place to park.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks for the pain of my sister and the loss of Grandma Miller.  She asked me for some advice about what to because hospice was involved and I gave her what I thought the family would most like to know.  She described the process of Grandma Miller dying and wondered if her stepson, Aaron, had gone through the same thing.

Aaron died from huffing in April 2010.  I was asked to be on watch that day when Aaron's ventilator was turned off.  I told her how Aaron died and it was not the same as Grandma Miller.

I knew Grandma Miller for 12 years.  She was at every family function.  There were times I would sit and talk to here.  I always gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Her skin was so soft as were her eyes and her smile.

I'm sad she is gone.  The day of her wake I was so mentally drained I could barely function.  I know the family understands but still....

I wanted to say good-bye.

• Self Care:  Pulling off the road to continue conversation with sister was the right decision even though I was almost home.  Feeling the sadness about my sister being sad and my own sadness was very healthy.  Being able to give my sister insight into Aaron's death was helpful to her.  Not focusing on the sadness but on the warm memories of Grandma Miller helps the grieving process especially when the relationship isn't that close.  Knowing my brother-in-law understood I may not be able to attend the wake gave me permission to stay home which I ended up doing.  No false or exaggerated grieving.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 2

When life is running at mock speed it can be a lot to handle.  If I am in a good place emotionally and mentally, I hardly notice the pace I am running.  If I am struggling to keep each plate spinning so it doesn't crash to the ground, that's going to take more energy that I have stored up.

I have a friend who is also on disability.  In handling stress and our outlook on life, we couldn't be more different.  She has the philosophy, "The sky is falling!" and I live by, "There's always another answer.".  Whenever something changes in her world that she wasn't expecting, she literally flips out.  I, on the other hand, have learned to roll with it and do the next right thing.

Why are we so different?  I grew up in twelve step groups like Alateen, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous and other groups that challenged my stinking thinking.  Everything that happened to me wasn't about me.  The universe didn't revolve around me.  I was part of God's design and plan in this world and it was my responsibility to find out where He wanted me to be and do.  

We spend a lot of time together because getting out of the house when you're disabled is good. It's good for the depression and it's good for the exercise.  Sometimes it's good to go to stores or take a drive.

• During the past couple of weeks, she had to look for a new medical plan.  This has been very upsetting for her.  So much so that she's been crying at home, at her therapist's office and been an anxious wreck.  I do not fault her for how she feels - she is scared and at the age where what she selects will effect her in the next four years.  I offered to help since my brain was working pretty good and I know my help would decrease her stress.  What I took on (and I knew this when I offered to help) was hand holding and being the liaison between she and the health rep.  I was able to translate into simple words why the plan was good/bad, the concept of not being focused on the premium amount as the deciding factor but the value of the policy as a whole and things like that.  Even though stressful events entered my life after the fact, I felt my decision to help my friend was a good choice overall.
• Self Care:  When I offer to help someone, I'm going to help them the very best I can.  In order to so I have to take personal inventory on every level and be honest with myself:
• Am I mentally able to take on this task?
• Am I physically able to travel?
• Am I in a good place spiritually to hear God's guidance?
• Am I able to verbally communicate in a sensible manner?
• If I can answer, "Yes" to all of these questions, then I can move forward and help someone in need.

Helping someone in need can be draining.  I was drained when this task ended yesterday.  I was drained because I had about five other draining events happening in my life at the same time.  Had this been the only event, I would not have felt depleted.

I love my friend.  She is making progress and I am proud of her for that.  I believe there will come a day when her belief in herself will be stronger and her outlook on life will not be that of a victim but that of one who has been set free to live in the glorious freedom of Jesus Christ.

All of us have access to His love and freedom from the bondage of Satan.

I gave my whole heart to Jesus in March of 1988.

You can give yours today.