There's something about depression that is familiar each time it strikes. I feel very tired, don't want to leave the house, cancel all appointments and feel sad. Not the crying kind of sad but sad.
I didn't want to go outside yesterday but I had to drive to the bank. I didn't walk to the mailbox because I felt exposed. I shut my house up today and haven't opened the windows. It's a beautiful day yet I'm living it from the inside.
I'm not hungry but I know I should eat. I don't care about measuring my meals but I think I will anyway. A shower would probably feel good but I don't really love myself enough to take that risk What risk? Walking through the fear of being exposed.
Why does exposure create such a large panic monster in me? Probably some abuse. Believe me, I don't want to remember all of my childhood. I think it would be too much.
Canceled appointment with Faith. Couldn't pull myself together mentally to even get dressed or bolster up the courage to leave the house. I'm not self-injuring because it doesn't help with depression. It's not like I'm stuck in an unidentifiable feeling.
No, feeling downcast is not fun. I think I'll open my windows. Maybe I'll walk to the mailbox.
I see Dr. Didenko tomorrow. Going to ask if we can increase the Effexor. I've been struggling with this consistently for two weeks. Could just be a medication thing.
Here's hoping.
