One Year - No Cutting

When I was admitted into the SIRS/ED unit I knew immediately I was in the right place.

I was there for 12 days.  I learned a ton of new coping skills.  I was very involved in my treatment and sought help from my group of peers and staff.  I had new awarenesses about the cutting behavior.  New information I'd never known.  I was glad to finally feel safe with myself.

I haven't cut since then.  That's not to say I haven't had strong urges to cut.  It's not to say I don't still get those urges.  I do.  Facing them head on instead of trying to hide them, I've found, works the best.  Not letting those urges become fact is possible, too.

I thank God for all the staff at ABBHH, inpatient, for teaching me new ways to deal with life. Outpatient is a whole other animal.  In fact, I don't recommend the outpatient SIRS/ED program.  The people who are in charge of it on a daily basis have some growing up to do.  They need to learn how to inspire teenagers - not tear them down with petty antics and childish behavior.  That's the end of my soapbox.

Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital in Hoffman Estates, IL - A good place to get better.

One Year Ago - Alexian Brothers

One year ago today I admitted myself into the Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital for unrelenting urges to commit suicide and cut.  I'd reached the end of my rope.  A friend had been to this hospital and recommended it.  I trusted she knew what I needed since my regular hospital closed the behavioral health unit.

I cried.  I cried through all four interviews.
I was honest.  I told each of them that if I went home I would hurt myself.
I waited.  It took a few hours to get up to the unit.
I was confused.  They put me on the general psych unit instead of SIRS/ED.
I was assigned a psychiatrist.  His name is Dr. Taras Didenko.
I slept.  All I had to do was trust God that I made the right decision.

That first day was pivotal in my recovery.
I hadn't cut before I went into the hospital.  That was a miracle.
I did not attempt suicide before I went into the hospital.  That was a miracle.
In my head I was screaming for help.  That was a miracle.
I drove myself to get the help I needed.  That was a miracle.

One year ago today I was bursting into tears for no reason, despondent over the racing thoughts and urges to self injure and incapable of taking care of myself at home.

I prayed to God for the right program, the right doctor and the right therapist.  In a couple of days, God answered that prayer.

I'll share that journey tomorrow.

"Instead of feeling something, I felt nothing."

CLICK HERE TO VISIT ABBHH'S WEBSITE FOR SELF-INJURY

Sand Art

So I'm not sure if changing the medication is helping.  I stayed inside all day and just now (5:30 pm) opened a window for some fresh air.  I've been reading a lot of stuff on the internet.  Nothing harmful.  It's my only source for news and what not.

A nice lady dropped off some cat food for my babies.  Her cats didn't like it.  Mine are gobbling it up.

Tomorrow I go to the airport to pick up my family.  That will be a nice ride.

My church is celebrating 38 years (1975).  I started 12 years later in 1987.  What an incredible blessing Willow Creek Community Church has been to me and my family.  All of us have a relationship with God through Jesus.

I really don't have much to say.  I guess that will have to be okay.  Here's a little something:

Inside Depression

I've seen cartoons where depression is this blob that suctions itself to a person.  I've been carrying that blob for over three weeks.  My blob brings suicidal thoughts which are not at all helpful.

Found this:

Basically my friend Kim said this a couple days ago.  It's one of the signs that depression is taking a toll on my thoughts and mood.  Suicidal thoughts are fleeting and at times comforting.

But I'm not supposed to say stuff like that - ever.  It can get me admitted into a psych hospital.  For those who do not struggle with this side of depression, it helps to talk about it.  Otherwise it becomes a dark monster, like the depression blob.

I don't want to go outside.  I don't want to be in public.  I don't want to keep lying by saying, "I'm fine," and yet I don't want to talk about it either.  I wouldn't know what to say.

Just for today I will keep myself safe.
It's the best gift I can give.

World Mental Health Day

How many times have I felt completely isolated and alone in my illness?  More than I want to admit.  So often I've pulled back from a lot of people in order to not injure them.  Verbally, not physically.

Mental illness includes major depressive disorder, anxiety, panic, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcohol and food addiction and agoraphobia. There are many other mental illnesses.

Learning about your illness or about the illness of a friend or loved one is important for knowing what you're dealing with.  Some illnesses have overlapping symptoms.  Others are distinct only to that illness.

In my own illnesses I have found the more information I have, the better off I am.  It gives me the words I need to communicate clearly to my therapist and psychiatrist  It gives me some coping tools so I can slow down the negative effects.  It gives me a sense of hope even in my darkest hour.

Mental Illness is not the end all of diagnosis'.  Once identified, it's the beginning of the right kind of treatment. Treatment includes medication, therapy, support groups and hospitalization.  Without this information it's very difficult to move forward on the path of recovery.

Dear God, please help me become aware when the medication is no longer working.  Help me reach out when reaching out is difficult and to take the hard steps of getting what I need.  I know you are with me but sometimes I feel so alone.  Honestly Lord, I want to be alone.  I don't want to subject anyone else to my world of crazies.
I love you with all my heart.
Love Amy

WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY ARTICLE