She made an innocent comment.
I got triggered.
That means something she said or the way she said it or both sounded like something from my past that was not a good experience. I felt that way a year and a half ago with my psychiatrist's nurse. I basically exploded on her over the phone. Even though I was direct and did not use swear words, it was clear I felt angry and I became defensive at some of what she was saying.
Because I value this current relationship I did not do an all out freak out. I did not lose control nor did I say words that I'd later regret. Instead, I told her why "All things considered," was not true in this instance. All things had NOT been considered. I took the phrase literally as I do most conversations and comments. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know.
The problem I'm having is I can see in my head the expression on her face. When I react to being treated unfairly or having my life experience minimized, I speak directly with a lot of passion. I'm looking someone in the eye when I'm talking so I'm taking in their facial expression, body language, etc..
She looked surprised and taken back at the same time. I immediately toned it down figuring I might have gone a bit overboard in my reaction. What I didn't know was whether or not I'd injured her.
During the last few days I've been struggling with eating too many carbs. I'm going into my safe zone by trying to kill these emotions. I'm not sure which ones they are yet. Some sadness, regret and maybe anger against myself.
What I do know is it's difficult for me to manage an emotional response. Triggers are especially hard because they have warning signs I don't always recognize until it's too late. Once my emotions are out the door, pulling them back in can be difficult.
When it was time to go, she asked if we were okay. I think I said something like, "Not yet," because I was still trying to get a handle on what just happened. I avoided seeing her last week. We have some time set up for tomorrow. I'm sure this will be discussed.
It needs to be discussed.
The question for me is....God, when innocent words trigger an emotional response, what do I do?
