The temperature is in the mid 50's, it's very windy. The most bothersome piece of the weather is the wind. I don't know why but the wind in my ears, especially cool or cold wind, causes me to become angry. Figure that one out.
I must have been quite tired. I slept until 7:30 am, watched a little Flashpoint on Netflix, then fell asleep until just before noon. I've been tired most of the week. Maybe the extra sleep will help me cope with the depression.
I know I'm not supposed to hide in my house. I'm supposed to go outside, maybe get in the car and go to my place of solitude where I feel safe and close to God. It's just that the world seems too big today.
It's overwhelming so I sit on my couch, watch the traffic go by, listen to the wind and watch the trees and bushes move in the breeze. It feels like I'm outside but I'm safe in my home.
I think about normal people I know. How they can do normal things in a normal way with other normal people. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
There are days (like today) when I wish I could talk to Carol, a former therapist. I miss her warmth, tenderness, hugs and tears. When she listened, her eyes were glued to mine. When she spoke, she dug a little deeper. I always knew I was safe with her, even if we disagreed.
When she prayed over me, it was every week, before and after each session. I learned how to hear her voice, especially when I was dissociating or having a flashback. It's her voice that brings reason and wisdom, comfort and security when I'm having a hard time connecting to God during emotional times.
I need to hear her voice again.
Sometimes depression can be prolonged by feelings that can be resolved. I'm capable of picking up the phone, dialing a phone number, using my voice and saying, "I miss you." It doesn't mean the depression is gone.
It means I can identify one way to help myself feel better. When I can identify at least one way to feel better, the weight of the depression gets a little help from God so it's not so heavy.
God brought each therapist into my life to improve my life and draw me closer to Him. Having that knowledge and believing it, just a tiny bit, opens the door to some hope.
And sometimes, just a little bit of hope is all I need to not plunge into the darkness.
