- Feel a depth of sadness that you haven't felt ever, or
- Have pictures in your mind of what relief suicide would bring, or
- Trying to figure out who that one person would be that you could call who won't toss you into the hospital or call the cops on you for fear you're going to harm yourself or someone else, or
- Stare at the Suicide Prevention Hotline number knowing you're tipping too close to the edge, or
- Your text message says, "Crisis Text Line," you've typed, "Hello?" but not pressed "Send", or
- All day long you succumb to tears so deep you don't actually cry but your face is soaked, or
- You wonder why a family member finds you so revolting to even speak to or look at, yet doesn't respect you enough to tell you why, or
- Why you even bother to care in the first place?????????
That was yesterday.
Emotional Pain:
Emotions are running wild
Mad is a proper emotion
One person's opinion isn't the rule
Triggers past issues
Isolating doesn't help me
One person's hurtful behavior
Nasty and disrespectful
Agree to disagree but talk about it
Love from a distance
People are broken like I am
Acceptance but not tolerance or ignorance
I'm not perfect
Now it's time to forgive and let them go
I have to acknowledge that with Bipolar I and Borderline Personality Disorder, plus growing up abused and neglected with a tender heart, I have extreme emotional reactions when it comes to how others treat me. It's not an excuse - just an extra layer to work through. I'm working on how to recognize it (which is why my suicide attempts haven't worked). Especially when I ask people for the truth and they give me, what I think, is a non-truth.
Who am I to judge them and their truth?
Only God judges and knows the whole truth. My job is to believe what they say. Just for today, it's to not self-harm, to stay sober, to stay alive, and to eventually talk about it with someone. God will provide the right person. Perhaps my therapist, AA sponsor, or another person. Last night it was scripture listening in Psalm 62. In any case, my job is to take care of my side of the street and not get tangled up in the web of the other so much so that I lose all perspective and throw in the towel. Learning how to live in the balance - not in extremes.
I can set boundaries. I can limit my time around that person. I can even choose not to be around that person at all. As long as I have a realistic understanding of the consequences of my actions, I can make healthy decisions for myself. Every action has a reaction.
One person, including me, has the power to hurt another with their words and actions.
May I be careful in how I treat others and not cause any emotional pain.
May I be quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness when I do and may you be quick to forgive me.
Thank you.
