Top 10 Movies When I'm Down

All of us have our top movies we watch when we are in certain moods.  When I am feeling depressed or down or mentally ill or alone, I watch the below movies:

1.  A Beautiful Mind - Russell Crowe plays a Nobel Prize winning economist and mathematician who develops schizophrenia. Drama.

2.  What About Bob? - Bill Murray plays a psychiatric patient who follows his egocentric psychiatrist on vacation.  Comedy.

3.  Mama Mia - Meryl Streep is the mom of a daughter who is trying to find her real father told through the popular 70's singing group ABBA.  Musical.

4.  First Wives Club - Bette Midler, Diane Keaten and Goldie Hawn pull off a comedy that is surely a classic of scorned wives getting sweet revenge against their cheating husbands.  I've never been married but let me tell you, this movie gives courage to anyone who has been taken advantage of!  Comedy.

5  My Fellow Americans - Jack Lemmon and James Garner play two ex-presidents who are accused of a crime and forced to collaborate on a plan to save the integrity of the White House.  Comedy.

6.  Rambo (any in the series) - Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo who fought for his country in Vietnam only to come home to a silent war against he and his brothers in arms.  The entire series is about him coming full circle in who he is as a soldier.  Action.

7.  Star Wars (any in the series) - The dark force is gaining strength but The Force is gaining momentum.  Drama.

8.  Dead Poets Society - Robin Williams is a teacher who opens the minds of young men so they can see and imagine great things about themselves and their futures.  Drama.

9.  Remember the Titans - Denzel Washington plays in the true story of a new African American football coach in a school that has just integrated races. Drama

10.  K-19:  The Widowmaker - Harrison Ford plays a Soviet Nuclear Submarine Captain during a time when this submarine malfunctions on her maiden voyage.  The crew must figure out how to save her.  Drama

Remember, there are a lot of good movies out there but not all of them belong in your library.  I do not have any movies that are triggers.  I do not have many R rated movies.

I bought a used VCR and have almost 100 VHS movies.  Goodwill in the Chicagoland area sells all VHS tapes for forty-nine cents each.  They are incredibly cheap and never skip.  I hope you are adding to your library because there will be days when you won't be able to concentrate enough to read or feel well enough to socialize.

Make a plan.
Set your plan in motion.
Be prepared so your struggles will be lessened.

Hoarders

Today I watched several episodes of Hoarders.  I am amazed.  Not at the filth or the bugs or the stench.  I'm amazed at how empty people's hearts are and how they long to be connected to someone.

Many of these people have barricaded themselves in their home.  They've made their home so disgusting that no one would want to visit.  Or they don't want to invite people for a visit.  Either way, it's a very lonely and sad situation.

I tweeted this today:  "I was reminded today that when we try to substitute "things" for "God's love," we'll never have enough things."  Quite true.

In all honesty, aren't each of us hoarding something?  It could be self-harm, eating disorders, addictions, too many pets, too many clothes, too many shoes, too many collections of things, etc..  I know I have at least three or four in the above list alone.

If I were to be completely honest, I would say my hoarding keeps me safe.  It keeps people at arms length so they don't get too close.  It keeps me safe inside my house where no one can find me or get to me.  It puts me in complete control especially when I feel most out of control.

It was supposed to help me.  But now...I'm not so sure.

Another topic for the therapist.

This episode is amazing:

Check Out Hoarders: Doug & Ruth on Hulu.

24

I'm very tired.  So much so that I keep dozing off as I struggle to put together my thoughts.  I hope this makes some sort of sense when it's finished.

I was watching the drama series 24.  Jack Bauer has a very complicated life between the counter terrorism unit and his family.  He struggles to please everyone.

Since the show is based on one twenty-four hour period at a time, we only get to see one hour of the day each week.  It's amazing to me how many events take place that effect a single or small group of people.  Compared to our lives today, it's quite accurate.

What I choose to do, who I choose to interact with, where I choose to go and the route I choose to get there involve many more people than just me.  I remember the early days of recovery when I thought everyone and everything revolved around me.  No way!  I believe we revolve around each other.

There are some days, like today, when I don't leave the house.  Even then I'm effecting people.  I'm either answering or not answering the phone or email or twitter or checking facebook.  I'm either plugged in or not plugged in.  If I go outside to put away the garbage can I can say hi to someone or not.  Today, I yelled at the person leaving a message on my answering machine while I pressed my hands to my ears.  I'm sure I looked odd but I felt violated.  And it was a real person - not a computer I could hang up on.

One hour at a time each week.  Wouldn't it be nice to manage that little sliver each week?

I think it would be.

Making Amends

A couple of weeks ago I responded to someones verbal abuse by calling them a swear word and not apologizing for my behavior before I went home.  I was filled with anger, hurt and fear.  I was bothered by my behavior. Why did I stoop so low?  It was time for me to figure that out.

I'd had a couple run ins with other men that day.  The other men were angry, pushy and rude.  I was able to respond to them respectfully and firmly.  I suppose I used up my kindness on them and had none left when this incident reared it's ugly head.

The other factor is that I've been a witness to this person verbally abusing people I love.  At home and in public.  It takes all I have not to pummel them.  I've wanted to say something for a long time but I've been asked not to.  When it directly happened to me I was shocked and responded like it was my Dad.  I wasn't going to take the verbal abuse anymore.

I spent two weeks working it out.  I knew the Bible told me to go directly to the person, to not gossip about it and to speak directly in love.  I know AA says to make direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.  I knew I would see this person this weekend and I wanted to feel reconciled.  I love this person.  They are an important relationship in my life.

I talked about it with Faith.  Broke down the play by play of what happened then dialogued a strategy.  I felt prepared for the talk.

I got to the house and initiated a conversation.  It took place later that evening.  Here's some of what was said:

1.  I started by initiating by saying this, "Do you have 5 minutes where I can make amends for my behavior"
2.  I said, "I want you to know I would never purposely do anything to upset you or make you angry."
3.  I said, "I'm sorry I used that word toward you.  That was immature and very wrong."
4.  I said, "You are a very important relationship to me."
5.  I said, "When you use that tone of voice, I hear my Dad - and I'm just going to call it like it is - who verbally abused me and I get defensive."
6.  I said, "How about in the future, instead of me reacting to what you say, I stop and give you the benefit of the doubt by listening to what you are trying to say instead of how you are saying it."

1.  He said, "Yes, let's talk when I get home tonight."
2.  He nodded as if to say, "Okay," you didn't purposely hurt me.
3.  He nodded as if to say, "Okay," I accept your apology.
4.  He said he was sorry.   He thought he'd said he was sorry in the heat of the argument but realized he wasn't really sorry - it was just to ease the anger.
5.  He said he knows he has a big problem with how he says things.  He's working on it with his sponsor.
6.  He agreed with my future plan.

We both had stuff happen that day that set us up for a conflict.  They weren't with each other.  My part is dealing with anger and conflict before going to another person's house so I don't bring it into any other situation.  The other thing is to learn how to control my tongue.  It's the deadliest weapon I have.

The last thing I told him was how much I loved him.  He's my brother and I never want any conflict to come between us because it very uncomfortable.

Here's a video that talks about conflict resolution: