Food Addiction In Full Swing

It's no surprise my food addiction is in full swing.
I've reverted to when I was under incredible amounts of non-stop stress from 2006-2008.
It feels like everything that was floating peacefully was startled awake by a crashing storm.
Too much?  Perhaps.

In the movie, "The Perfect Storm," a swordfish captain finds himself in a dry spell.  This spell is lasting longer than previous ones.  He decides to do a quick turn around.  When he tells this to his crew, they are less than eager to go.  Why?

1.  They just got in and wanted to spend time with their families.
2.  No one with any sense goes out in October because of the storms.
3.  What's going to be different this time out?

Those are legitimate concerns but number three is key.  What's going to be different?   The captain tells them they are going to go further out to where the fish are and they are going to bring in the biggest catch they've ever seen.  He promises them success because in his heart, he needs this success, too.

I pose a similar scenario about my stress level, overeating and weight gain.

I start by telling myself for the umpteenth time - "Let's shed these unwanted pounds so you feel better about yourself, are not embarrassed in public and get your self-esteem higher."

What I haven't done is ask myself this question:  What's going to be different this time?

Nothing.  Can't think of a darn thing that will be different.  So naturally, I'm getting the same results:  frustration after frustration after frustration.

This insight is like the cue ball on a pool table being struck so hard by the pool stick that all the other balls break away from the pack and some of them fall into a pocket.  Quite frankly, for several years, I've felt like the pool balls in the middle of the break that barely move.

What does that say about my plan?

Something needs to change.

If I Had Cancer

Six years ago this month, my Dad died.
A heart attack killed him but he had many medical ailments.
The one that concerns my own health is colon cancer.

I had a polyp removed six years ago.
No cancer.
I'm due to have another colonoscopy this year.

It's something I think about from time to time.
I saw what it did to my Dad's quality of life.
But my Dad rarely went to the doctor for preventive medicine.


I read and listen to a lot of stories about cancer.
Children, adults, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, brain cancer.
The list of cancers is a long one, each of them categorized by stages.

Like I said, my Dad's cancer was aggressive.
It took only a few months for the colon to weaken.
He had surgery to try and repair it but it was too late.

My sisters and I offered on numerous occasions to help.
But my Dad was a proud man.
And his wife?  Well, she was a mystery to us.

No person should be made to live the way he did in his last years.
Though I have wondered if he reached out to God in those moments.
I like to think he did even though there is no evidence supporting that hope.

If I had cancer, I would reach out for help.
I would ask for prayer, ask for whatever I needed.
No matter what, I wouldn't shrink away from my family like he did.

I would never leave my family to wonder, "Why didn't you let us help you?"

Friendship Diversity

True story. The other night I was making pasta for dinner. The boiling pot was on top of the stove. (Can you tell what's coming?) I reached to get the salt on the back of the stove and accidentally flipped the pot by the handle so hot water spilled all over the stove top. Thankfully, I was not burned. I went to my sink to get a wad of paper towels. As I was wiping up the water, POOF! the paper towels caught on fire and I had to drop those bad boys into the sink and douse them with water. The moral of the story is?

I posted this story on Facebook.
I one person said, "Less cooking, more eating out."
Several people agreed with that.
One person just laughed out loud.
My response?  Move the salt.

I find it fascinating how many different ways people deal with preventing a crisis "next" time.
Some make a small adjustment - move the salt.
Some make a major adjustment - stop cooking altogether.

To understand those responses is to know my friends.
Each way they dealt with the problem is symbolic of their true nature.
That's why it's so important to have a diverse group of friends.

While it's true that I haven't kept up with them, learning about their lives and what matters to them continues to be such a blessing.  They are still wacky or serious or love to dance or enjoy reading.  Some are Moms, some are Grandmas, some are married, some are happy single.  In any case, they have come into their own and it's truly a delight to see.

And isn't that what friendship is really all about?  Allowing your friend to grow and excel and experiment while you support her no matter the outcome of her courage to try new things?  That's what I want my friends to do for me.  

Sure, there's all the emotional support and stuff like that but if that is all there is, the friendship is not truly living. Friendships need to breathe and spread their wings and fly.  Not be stifled by childish insecurity and fear.

Jesus said, "If you are truly my disciples and live as I tell you, you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."  John 8:32

Even Jesus wants us to be free in the truth!

Go To Therapy vs. Cancel Therapy

There have been many times and many reasons I have canceled therapy appointments.
Sometimes for one session, other times for months at a time.
It all depended on so many variables.

Most of the time it depended on my level of anger.
It could be toward the therapist, the topic, my inability to move forward.
Wherever the anger was coming from, it impaired my thinking.

Sometimes my feelings would get hurt and I'd shut down.
This is when I'd drop out for months.
I never told the therapist they'd said something that hurt me.
Not until I could pull myself together, put a lead case around my heart and be ready to physically challenge them if they did it again.

Fewer times it had to do with self-care.
Feeling ill, moodiness, weather.  Things I didn't have control over but were affecting my desire to go to therapy.
I could be tired, headaches, or discerning I didn't have the patience or wherewith all to not over react to an innocent remark my therapist might say.  I would be prone to walking out of a session when I knew ahead of time I should not have come in.
That's not fair to me or to them.

I haven't had to cancel an appointment very often in the last 16 months.  I enjoy my sessions and for the most part I've been okay during them.
But tonight I needed to cancel my appointment for tomorrow.
My head is swirling about, my mood is flip-floppy and I'm still stressed out.
There are some things I have up in the air that need attending and they are weighing on my shoulders.

It's good, when canceling, to let your therapist know as soon as possible and why you are canceling.  I told my therapist why (and why not) so she understood.  Even as I was saying it I felt a little funny because it didn't sound like life or death.  But I remembered how it feels to me (the stress) and that's what's important.

God has given us the tools to take care of ourselves and to respect others.
Without those tools, I would be in a world of trouble.
Since I am the only one who can implement these tools and advocate for myself, well, I lift my voice in the Spirit of the One who dwells within me and ask for His help.

Coping with Depression

Today I've been struggling with my demons.
Self-injury in my mouth, drinking alcohol, detaching from the world.
Wanting to be any place else but inside this body.

I got paid today.  Since it only comes once a month I'm usually jubilant.
I had to make myself do a little shopping.
I tried to raise my spirits by going to my favorite thrift store but I still felt flat.



Feeling flat is like having no drive to do anything,
No desire to go anywhere and no interest in talking to anyone.
You just feel flat.

The depression is heavier though I'm puzzled as to why.
I'm taking all my meds every day, my sleep is disrupted but I'm working with a new company to get that rectified, I'm not isolating and I'm using my coping tools.
I guess some times you can do everything right and your brain chemicals can still get goofed up.

God is my refuge and my strength.
He sees me struggle and He knows my pain.
Many times I picture Him here with me.
I'm curled up in His lap or in His hands.
Feeling safe and feeling divine love.

I have a recurring dream that's been peaceful, too.
In the dream I call it Pikes Peak but it's really a fantasy peak.
I've been to Pikes Peak several times.  It's an exhilarating drive!
Each time in the dream, I go there for enjoyment.

What a wonderful gift God gave us -
The gift of our imagination.

God, I thank you for the little bit of peace I'm getting from my dreams.

Changing Old to New

I just finished watching the movie, "Machine Gun Preacher."
It wasn't what I expected which means it was better.
It's rated R so skip the scene after he gets released from prison (the car scene) and there's some drug use and language but after that it's mostly gun stuff.

This movie is based on the true life story of Sam Childers.
His journey toward God, with God and then hearing God's purpose for his life is nothing short of miraculous.
I believe all of us have had or can have that kind of encounter with God.

God doesn't look for people who are perfect, have it all together or don't need His help.
He loves them just the same but people who leave God's will out of their plans will miss out on the full life He wants to give to them.

Jesus hung out with the sick.
Jesus hung out with the corrupt.
He even hung out with prostitutes.

For me, Jesus is hanging out with someone who has mental illness.
Someone who is a recovering alcoholic.
A woman who has an eating disorder and self-injures though not by cutting.

I need Him several times a day so I can get to my purpose.
Thankfully I don't have to travel to another continent to write my book.
Still, there are days I feel I'm wandering aimlessly down the beaten path.

God is in the business of snatching us up out of sinful behaviors and replacing them with life giving behaviors.  All we have to do is invite Him in and give those new behaviors a try.

I'm so glad He's never content leaving me just as I am.

Depression and Housework

Let's face it.
Anyone who is depressed does not want to do housework.
Dishes stack up even though the dishwasher works.
Clothes are laying around.
The garbage is ripe enough to walk out on its own.

We're embarrassed.
We feel guilty.
We don't know what to do so we do.....nothing.

"Nothing" is the same as nonexistence, emptiness, no part, no trace.

Sound familiar?  Those words also describe depression.

I've been living with depression since I was in my early teens.  I'm in my mid forties and I'm still learning how to make progress with the housework.

Here are some things I do:

1.  When the dishes stack up, I have a couple of options.  Since I don't have a dishwasher and each of my sisters do, I can put my dishes into garbage bags and bring them to their house.  I have a clean set of garbage bags to bring them home.
2.  If I can't get to one of my sisters homes, I make a plan of attack.  I organize the dishes into groups (silverware and utensils, plates, round things, plastic containers, all cups then pots and pans).  I tell myself to go in that order, just one at a time.  If I get the silverware done that day, great.  If I feel like I can do more, I do more.  If not, I've met my goal.
3.  I've made a decision to change my clothes only in the bathroom.  It keeps my clothes in one place where I can scoop them up and bring them to my laundry hamper.
4.  Since I have cats it's important that I throw away the waste bag when it's full.  I am physically capable of doing this and it will keep my environment smelling clean.
5.  I hired my sister to come in once a month and do some of the more difficult cleaning.  She needs the money, I need the help and we get to spend a couple hours together.  I feel much better asking for the help.

Depression is a downer.
It tells us not to do anything that will make us feel better.
Even if we're struggling, it's important to fight back.

My depression hasn't gone away because I've done these things.
You know what has gone away?

The clutter, the mess and my guilt.