Obituaries - Truth or Tale?

I have found that obituaries follow a similar pattern.  I have yet to see any one that tells the truth about the person who passed away.  Like, "We're so glad he/she is gone.  They were a real pain in the tush."

I know every person was created by a loving God.  Since this is one of my past times, I look for little jewels that are tucked away in the usual descriptions of the person's life.  I've found some but can't remember all of them.  For example:  "She had an uproarious laugh."  "His laugh caused her to come downstairs to his apartment to meet him and they were later married."  "He loved his dogs."  There are so many more.

As you can imagine my head has been flooded with thoughts, behaviors and actions related to my dad's sin that I've taken upon myself as punishment.  I started thinking about what obituaries could sound like if we told the truth.  Here's what mine would say:

"Amy was born to parents who never should have gotten married.  Despite the challenges in her home Amy's mom introduced her to 12-step groups where she found ways to cope, survive and begin to thrive.  Unfortunately, as Amy grew into her late teens and twenties, these coping skills lacked everything she needed.  But then, something changed.  Amy found Jesus and accepted Him as her Savior in 1988 at age 21.  Because Amy is very intelligent and a survivor, she sought out ways to make herself better.  Through all of her difficulties, it was her relationship with Jesus Christ that held her together so she could find new and positive ways to help herself including therapy, support groups, hospitalizations and medication.  In time she was able to help others just like her.  Amy never gave up no matter how hard healing would become.  She believed in God, herself, her friends and her support team. Amy loved cats, solitude and writing but most of all, she loved her family!  We will miss her smile, her laugh and her hugs."

If I were to be honest and write my Dad's (he died Feb 21, 2008), it would read:

"Hank was a violent alcoholic to his first wife and three daughters.  He beat and sexually abused his eldest daughter, yelling and terrorizing his entire family.  There were many times he fought with his wife which woke up the children.  They were very afraid and climbed into the eldest daughter's bed.  There were times his wife would take the children away and upon returning home find the furniture broken and thrown about.  No one was safe.  One night he sat out on the front stoop with his rifle waiting for the guy who parked in front of his house to show up - he never did.  He punched his fist through walls, slammed his daughters heads together, shoved his eldest daughter's head into the wall and forced eye staring contests.  He was mean, used his body language for intimidation and used loud noises to instill fear and obedience.  His death will not be mourned."

What would yours say?  Or what would you want your abuser's to say?

Changing Core Beliefs

I was sitting at lunch with a friend yesterday.  We were talking about a friend of hers when the topic of believing lies came up.  We started talking about dream interpretation and I shared this with her:

This dream never happened but I used it as an example as if it had.

What if I had a dream that my nephew Aaron, who died at age 18 from huffing three years ago, told me that I should have told him about Jesus the month before he died instead of the week before he died.  He never would have been with his friend that day, he never would have huffed on propane that day, he never would have convulsed in seizures that day and he never would have died.

His message to me was:  It's all your fault.
Question to my friend:  Was it all my fault?
Answer:  No - it was his choice.

Bring it back to real life - to my childhood.

Was my dad's sexual and physical abuse toward me my fault?
Answer:  No - it was his choice and free will.
What lie do I still believe?
Answer:  I must have done something terribly wrong as a small child.

Other beliefs I carry around that impede my progress:
Because of the abuse, I am too broken to mend.
I am here to help others but my happiness won't be until I'm in Heaven.
My size protects me because I can intimidate offenders.

Beliefs that can help my recovery:
I don't want to carry the weight of my father's sin anymore on my body.
His pain is not my pain anymore.
Even though he has been dead for almost 6 years I am allowing him to continue hurting me.
Remember what I told him at his wake.

I need to feel physically strong so I can be confident that I can adequately protect myself.  I have a fear of being attacked.  It doesn't matter where it comes from - I'm honoring it.

I wish telling Aaron about Jesus a month earlier would have saved his life.  I'm sure his parents and brothers and sisters all have the same thoughts about what they could have done differently.  Truth is, Aaron was a young adult.  He was asked several times if he needed help, to ask us.  He never did.

None of us is ever at fault for someone else's choices.  Sometimes, like me, reprogramming our beliefs takes many years and lots of therapy to get to a place of letting that misplaced responsibility go.

Jesus died so we'd be set free.  "If you are truly my disciples and live as I tell you, then you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."  John 8:31-32  

It just takes some time....and patience.