This morning I was reading Revelation 21:1-4. It's John's recording of seeing a "new heaven and a new earth." The verse my heart was yearning to read is verse four:
Revelation 21New International Version (NIV)
A New Heaven and a New Earth
21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
A trip up north had been in the planning stages with my dear friend, Ann. She needed to get up to their cottage for many reasons. My directive from God has been to support her, not so much by words, but by praying and listening. You see, Ann's wonderful husband of thirty-three years passed away three months ago.
Before his passing, I felt completely powerless to do anything but pray for she and Artie. And yet, that's all her initial email asked for: prayer. As a short time passed and a diagnosis was given, it was clear Artie would be in Heaven soon. But what about my friend? What in the world could I give or do for her??
I knew what I couldn't give: I've never been married.
I knew what I could give: Listening when she would initiate an evening text, checking in on her without being a pest, my love for her using my words, my presence at the funeral, a box of Kleenex that only she and I would understand the meaning of and reminders of God's love and of His presence.
So, that's what I've been doing.
Ann's twenty-three year old granddaughter, Dana, decided she wanted to go, too. There would be a few hours on Saturday when Ann and Dana would need to take a drive and spend a few hours together. This gave me an open window to see my Mom. I didn't realize how much I missed my Mom until I saw her. Even though we talk regularly on the phone, seeing her was exciting.
But every time I've gone up there, especially the last few years, I shed tears of sadness. Why? Because God formed a friendship, maybe a decade ago, between a loving soul named Laurie and I. But in 2008, the year my friend Cathy and my Dad died, Laurie and her husband moved to another state. It wasn't a total surprise and we've grown so much closer to each other since then, but for some reason, this trip up north triggered great sadness of not having seen her since she moved.
After a wonderful dinner with Ann, Dana and my mom on Saturday night, the three of us headed back to the cottage for a break. Then my friend drove us into Minoqua for a Dairy Queen treat. On the drive there, I wasn't feeling hungry but instead began to feel a nudge to have some alone time. That was fine with Ann and I had no time limit. I walked in downtown Minoqua to the end of the shops where, on the left, is the little coffee shop that Laurie and I had breakfast in one morning. I remember that day so clearly. It was gorgeous outside and after breakfast we found a bench to sit on. As lots of people kept walking by we had one of the most beautiful conversations. I don't remember what we talked about but that feeling of taking another step toward each other was present.
After my "memory" walk to that cafe, I was feeling very sad. I knew I needed some quiet time with God - to talk about all the junk inside my head. I walked down to the lake where the night before I watched a water ski show with Ann and Dana. There was a telephone pole before the bleachers. That telephone pole became a holy place.
My eyes were already moist and that knot in the pit of my stomach? The one when I know I'm about to talk to God out loud? Began to unravel itself through crying, looking up at the sky where the sun was setting, looking out at the water where some boats were anchored for fishing or are cruising by. I sensed this moment was going to help me a great deal. I knew this because I've walked and talked with God for more than 30 years. You kinda get a knack for picking up on these sort of things.
In those several minutes, I talked through tears. I asked questions. I pleaded for understanding. I cried some more and I kept talking. I knew I was praying and I knew I was cleaning out the shed in my head. I told God how I didn't understand what the big deal was about my story. There are people out there who have much worse stories than mine. What was so special about mine that he wanted to use it in other people's lives? I told God how much I missed Laurie. From where I was standing I could see where the Bearskin Trail would be. Laurie and I shared many walks and talks and that's where God told me to write my story. And what about Ann? Am I doing what He wants? Making sure I'm available in body, mind and spirit for her to feel safe talking? What about the deep pain she is in? Being blessed by her memories yet surrounded by Artie's things but not having his eyes reflect his love for her, the joy of his laughter, the tenderness of his hugs or his physical body walking through the door anymore?
What about all of that???????????
I stood there, still praying and crying, trying to purge out my insides while feeling the pain of it all.
And then the dark thoughts crept in. I thought of how easy it would be to disappear. To just walk off someplace and never be heard from again. I looked down at the lake and thought of how easy it would be to drown. No one would find me - for awhile, at least. I was feeling deep sorrow, I was feeling worthless because my story couldn't possibly help anyone. I mean, my gosh! I felt it didn't really matter if I ended my life right there. In fact, it would end the torment I was feeling.
And therein lies the miracle. I was feeling. I was feeling so much and I wasn't drinking or cutting or seeking destructive relationships or overeating. I was feeling and that was a miracle.
Because then Ann came to mind. My death would wreck her in ways I was just learning. My Mom wouldn't understand because I've been doing so well. My sisters and their families would be heartbroken. My friends, like Laurie, would be heartbroken as well. Then there's my home and my kitties. Their lives would be uprooted, some of them possibly put to sleep. And even though I have a will, my things could never replace me. Even though my friends would make sure the book gets published, it wouldn't be the same as what God wanted to have said because I wasn't there to write it.
I stood staring up at the sky, the orange from the sunset and the violet clouds sprinkled across the sky. I knew taking my own life was not the answer and even though God didn't answer all of my questions or take away all of the sadness or give me some sort of revelation about the book, God gave me what He felt I needed. The next step to take with my book. Purchase the rest of the digital copies of my blogs and get those to my besties. Don't worry about anything else.
Much time had passed. I stopped crying. I was given what I needed from the One who loves me most. I had a clear mission of what to do next. I wiped my eyes, thanked God for his goodness and headed back toward Dairy Queen.
Later that night, Ann and I shared a deeper conversation. Somehow we got on the subject of Aaron. I told her the whole story about the week Aaron (my 18 yr old nephew) died, including the funeral, but this time, I didn't cry. It wasn't because I didn't feel sad or used up all my tears at the lake. Losing Aaron was way worse than losing my Dad. It was because I was now afraid to cry.
I often wonder if there is a facet to mental illness where suicidal thoughts never really go away. It's not as though I plan on having them. They just pop into my head as the solution for the ache in my soul. And even when I am in God's presence, with my arms outstretched and my hands open wide, those thoughts of suicide still enter my mind.
That's why this verse in the Bible resonates with my battles with suicide, hurting myself and feeling my feelings. It's because of one decision in March of 1988 when I gave my life to Jesus Christ and accepted his gift of substitutionary atonement for my sin. The verse says, "God will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. For the old order of things has passed away."
I listened to Ann all weekend and supported her as best I could. I plan to continue.
I made myself be vulnerable with her even though I was scared. I plan to only talk when asked.
I called Laurie when I arrived home. I told her all the above. She is my older sister!
My disability check is deposited today so I can download the blogs then send them.
I slept until 10:00 a.m. which is super long!!!
This post took almost 5 hours to write, edit, write, edit, write, edit then finalize.
And God's promise of a "new day?"
That, my friends, will be the day I give a very loud cheer!
