Getting Intensive Help

I self-injured today.
Cutting on my arm.
I was only self-injuring in my mouth but then.....

Another "no."
No, we can't help you.
No, we don't believe you.
No, we don't believe your integrity.
No, we don't believe your character is good.
No, we don't want you here.
No, we don't see your mental illness.
No, your bipolar depression isn't the reason we made you resign.
No, your car can't be fixed in our ministry.
No, we're not going to tell you the truth.
No, we communicate through e-mail, not in person.
No, we denouce you over the phone, not in person.
No, you are not worth our time or energy.
No, we don't want to talk to you before we make our decision.
No, you aren't worth listening to.
No, we aren't really your friends.
No, I don't see your mental illness so it doesn't exist.
No, you can function like others so you must be lying.
No, you have to figure out how to fix your car by yourself.
No, I don't have to tell you how we reached our decision.
No, you can't volunteer anymore.
No, you can't come to our events anymore.
No, you can't help with anything anymore.
No, stop talking so I can talk and talk and talk and talk but not "say" anything

Oh, you can still use the library!
Oh, we'd love to see you on Sunday!
Oh, I'm not giving to help your needs but keep your chin up!!
Oh, yes, I do have money to give you but.....it's all mine, not God's.

Really?

That's been just in the last week.
I can't cope so I'm getting help.
Not to tackle the above but to tackle the within.
My defenders lost their footing.
It's time for training camp.

Two Quotes - The Lord and Triggers

From the TV drama Criminal Minds:  "When your father kills 25 people before you're a teenager, painful memories don't need a trigger - they just are." 

Why are these two quotes on the same page?  Because that's how I feel.  I feel hurt and I know the Lord knows what I need.  I know He will give it to me if I ask.  I've been asking but He is silent.

The second is the reality of trauma whether you hear about it, experience it on your body or you see it happen and can't stop it.  For our soldiers, causing trauma for someone else is their job but then our soldiers come home needing emotional and trauma healing.

"Painful memories don't need a trigger - they just are."

The Lord does His healing in His time.  He helps us whether or not we know we need it.  His wisdom is far above anything we could ever conceive.

I don't have all the answers.  Not to all the things and behaviors that happen or have happened.  I don't have any peace about what I don't understand.  I can make a choice to protect myself from further harm.

I can choose to stay disengaged from painful truths, some of which I caused.  I can choose to fight the demons in my head over and over again until I am mentally exhausted and drained.  I can choose to get help for traumatic situations and learn new coping skills.

I'm numb today.
I'm drinking a lot (Coke, Tea/Lemon)
I've eaten once but not much.
I took my meds.

I worked on the bushes outside.
I'm staining furniture I hope to sell, but it probably won't.
I told my new church to stop trying to help me because they couldn't figure out how to do it.  I'll take care of it myself.

But my car still needs to be fixed.

I wish I was more physically broken than I am.
Then I'd have this outpouring of help.
I look at the GoFundMe campaigns and wonder, "What's wrong with me?"
Then I start to feel sorry for myself.

Having a genius I.Q. with mental illness keeps me smart most of the time without others seeing the dying of my spirit inside.  It's not fair.

John 16:33 says, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Come, Lord Jesus, your sister needs you.

This Has To Come Out - Otherwise....

(This is an e-mail I did not send)

Marie, I'm sorry to interrupt you.  I'm having a real problem with something.  I keep feeling like God is leading me to ask people to help with my repairs and now I'm regretting it.  Some of this is old news, some of it not.

I don't regret having been asked to resign from the friends of the library.  Truth be told, I think God knew the crap I was going to go through the next six months trying to make any event better, more efficient, attracting volunteers, etc..  There were some among them who felt threatened by my skills, my assertiveness and my ability to reconcile with difficult people.  Am I sorry I made a mistake asking people to help with car repairs?  Yes.  Am I sorry I'm no longer part of that group?  Absolutely not.  But...it still hurts deeply and I still cry.  I'm also banned from any and all library events, friends events or other such events BUT I am allowed to go to the library.  That's because I pay taxes - not because they want me as a patron. I will find another library to feel safe in.

Three people out of those library e-mails I sent, that the library said were so enraged that they were "solicited for funds for my personal gain," sent a gift.  One was from a friend but because of her level of involvement, it will be refunded.  Another was from a friend.  When I told her what happened she said to keep it and pay it forward.  The third one I just received.  I will be honest with her as well and let her be an adult and make her own decision.  

I felt lead a week ago to send Pastor Dave an email explaining my situation, how uncomfortable I felt even mentioning it because I was brand new and not volunteering but that I felt God putting it on my heart to communicate my car needs.  We talked on Sunday and Marie?  I was trying to talk him OUT of helping me.  I downplayed my need, gave him the, "God will take care of it, He always does," line and felt like a real piece of crap for even mentioning my car.

Dave sent me Linda Berger's name to contact regarding my car and really my benevolence needs.  So I introduce myself, say a little about myself, my prior church, a little about The Chapel in LZ and copied Dave.  He writes back asking since I went to Willow Creek did I contact the CARS ministry.

Marie, I about blew a gasket.  Not at him, of course, but at the question.  I carefully outlined my Community Care story over the last 15 years and how I'd, "Maxed out," of getting any more help from them ever.  And then I think, "If I had an outward physical disability, like my body was broken and contorted and I was in a wheelchair or my mind was broken so I couldn't speak well or my eyes were broken and I couldn't see well, then I think I'd qualify - anywhere.  But that's not what I have.  Mine is locked up inside of me and the only ones who truly see it have fur.  And the only way to convince others about the truth of what I have is to make a video for GoFundMe that upsets my mom, upsets my sister and I'm sure upset others.  I'm still not convinced it didn't play a small part in the forced resignation.  Even people who know me (except for Faith and Dr. Didenko) want to pretend my disability is just some little thing that happens every so often to miss get togethers, not be able to work but not so often I'm drowning in it.  They're wrong!  

I sit here feeling angry, sad, defensive, treated unfairly, judged, embarrassed, guilty, scared and all because of what?  My sin of making an innocent mistake which I took full responsibility for and not being forgiven?  My sin of asking "friends" I thought I could trust with my mental illness for help with repairs so that I can get to places safely hoping they know me well enough that I'm not trying to take advantage of them? And what about my sin of being invisibly disabled?  Feeling like trash for even bothering to ask for help?  These certainly include those feelings and many more.

I know this is a Faith (therapist) thing.  But honestly?  Well, I can't be that honest.  I've said enough already.  I don't expect you to do anything.  Thanks for listening.  No need to respond.

Amy

What about my urge to drink alcohol - to throw away 6 years of sobriety?
What about my urges to cut - to make my body bleed out the pain?
What about my urges to commit suicide because no matter what I do or where I go, I always screw it up somehow and there's NEVER ANY FORGIVENESS!!!  
No, I don't want my job back at Bright Hope.
No, I don't want my volunteer position back at the library.
No, I don't want to be hospitalized for expressing myself on my blog.

I just want someone, someone with integrity, someone who loves Jesus, someone who is gentle and wise to look me in the eye and say, "I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply, Amy.  I can't imagine the pain you're in but I can see it, I can hear it and I'm here to tell you, you're not alone.  God is here with you, sitting here beside you just like I am in your mind.  He is gently telling you He's got it all under His control.  Amy, you are forgiven because you own in your soul the gift of Jesus dying on the cross for you.  Your blood shed and His blood shed...both of them hurt.  And Amy, Jesus doesn't want you to shed your blood anymore.  He's already taken care of that for you.  The self-injuring in your mouth is a lot better than your other ideas of making this hurtful hurtful pain go away.  But Amy, your pain is not going to go away.  Not anytime soon.  I pulled you out of two abusive places.  You need to be available 100% emotionally to write your book.  Those abusers would have prevented you from doing so the way that I want you to write your story.  My darling daughter, you are so beautiful to me.  You are tender-hearted and so kind to those who have been through so much.  Don't be mad at them - realize everything that happens to you, whether because of a mistake you make or because of something you can't understand, all of it passes through my hands first.  MY HANDS.  I want you to lay down and relax and let me take care of your car.  This isn't anything you need to worry about.  Believe me, Amy, I have great things in store for you.  I can't wait to show you all of the boxes of treasures I have for you in Heaven.  They are just waiting to jump out and bring you great joy!  I AM your joy giver.  I AM your forever Forgiver.  No one has power over you, Amy.  No one can hurt you anymore, Amy.  I am removing those who will hurt you.  But you have to trust me.  Okay?  (me...okay).  Alright.  Snuggle down on the couch and watch a movie.  I'm holding you and rubbing your head and kissing your forward.  I'm so proud to have you as my beautiful daughter.  
I love you, Amy Kathleen!!!  
Love God.

Trusting God When Feeling Hurt

I opened my mailbox this morning and there was a bright yellow envelope from a friend.  The card was cute - the check inside a wonderful surprise.  It's amazing how God works when my insides hurt.

All I want to do is isolate at home, curl up on the couch and not engage with anyone in any way.  The depression is in full swing.  Staying inside seems like the right choice.

But it's not.
At least, not today.

Today is Sunday, the day I go to church.  A warm place filled with beautiful faces where I feel safe and welcomed.  God's presence is all around me.  His word is taught the right way.  I need all of it right now so I shall go.

I might have a chance to talk to the pastor about my car needs.  We shall see.

In the meantime, God continues to bring donations and I continue to be very grateful.

I'm so tired and drained in every way imaginable.
God has a reason for everything that passes through His hands.
I don't have to understand it or like it.
My job is to trust it without understanding.
So that's what I'll do.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall make your paths straight."
Prov 3:5-6