I'm A Depressed Suicidal Addictive Self-Injuring Christian

Quite a mouthful, isn't it?  And yet so many of us stay silent.  Why?  Here's why I do:

• I'm embarrassed.  Embarrassed to still have "worldly" struggles when I have complete access to Jesus, the Great Healer.
• I'm scared of what others will think.  Scared of being judged, misunderstood, made fun of, having the authenticity of my faith doubted and people pulling away from me.
• I'm angry I have these issues.  Angry at my childhood, my parents, the physical and sexual abuse, the alcoholic and the post traumatic stress.
• I'm sad these troubles are hard.  Not impossible, just hard at times.

Let's do a little Cognitive Behavior Therapy on the above.  Thoughts lead to Feelings lead to Behavior.

• Embarrassment (in this case) is believing there is something terribly wrong with my faith.  There isn't.  Jesus understands better than anyone how difficult temptation is.  He overcame it and so can I but only with His help.
• Scared (according to my therapist, Faith) is perceiving something negative in the future.  This can also be called crystal ball or fortune telling.  I have no control over other peoples thoughts, feelings or behaviors.  I have full control of my own.  Living in fear robs me of the present or presents God wants to give to me.  Let go of scared and save it for when there's a tiger chasing me!
• Anger (according to my therapist, Faith) is feeling someone or something is unfair.  I tell myself God doesn't waste any pain.  Throughout my 46 years of living, I've spent 32 of those years in recovery.  I'm going to have issues.  Accept it and start living a recovered life.
• Sad is an emotion, when spending too much time there, can turn into self-pity.  Yes, this life is not going to be without challenges and some sad times.  God is going to use those to shape me into the image of Christ for as long as I live.  I'd rather be like Christ than anything else this world has to offer.

Let's change the title of this post:

I'M A LOVING AND GENTLE CHRISTIAN WHO STRUGGLES WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.  MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM.  CHRIST DEFINES WHO I AM AND WHO I AM BECOMING.  I AM A NEW CREATION. THE OLD HAS GONE, THE NEW HAS COME.  

Kathie, My Mom

I brought my Mom to my session with Faith yesterday.  I wasn't nervous because my Mom has been a part of my recovery for decades.  She's met most of my counselors.  She really liked Faith and was so glad she's my counselor.  And it wasn't like, "I'm so glad she's your counselor" and then we talked about something else.  It was my Mom telling me what she liked about Faith, how wonderful she is and how glad she's my counselor.  My Mom's gratitude matched my own.  Praise God for hooking us up - my Mom and I / Faith and I.

We  went to Great America after it rained in the morning.  We did a lot of laughing which is one of the best parts of our relationship.  We walked, people watched, went on the Carousel and Swings, watched the third installment of how Great America was built then watched a bunch of the roller coasters and extreme adrenalin rides.

My Mom turned 70 this year.  She in no way looks or acts like it.  I've said this before and I'll say it again.  My Mom is my hero.  She demonstrated incredible courage when I was a teenager.  I love her with all my heart.  I have no secrets with my Mom.  It's taken many years for us to work through all the junk of the past.  Mom says we forgave each other.  I think that is well put.  

My Mom is one of my safe people, I trust her implicitly and I love her deeply.

Faith Gallup, LCSW

Faith is a therapist at the Lake County Behavioral Health office in Round Lake, IL (soon to be in Libertyville).  She has a private practice in Gurnee called Northlight Counseling.  She is an LCSW.  The first day we met was a sign from God.

When my previous therapist at LCBH left, I decided I would take a break from all things therapy.  I've done that from time to time just to give myself a break from the intensity.  I take my therapy very seriously.  When a therapist recommends I do or read something, I'm all over it.  Thankfully, Faith is the same in her practice.

On a Tuesday, about 3 months into my hiatus, I started feeling like something was wrong.  My thoughts were confusing.  I could tell my neurotransmitters were misfiring again.  I needed a new medication and quick.  I was talking to my psychiatrist about it.  The depression was pretty bad and I was crying a lot.  She asked if I I was seeing a therapist and I said no.  She commented that I went from two down to zero.  She suggested I see the therapist who replaced Julie.  She said (again) I think you would be a good fit.

Faith had an opening that same day a few hours later.  I trusted my psychiatrist's judgment so I was looking forward to it but still could not stop crying.  It's not like I was happy to meet Faith.  It was more out of desperation to prevent self-injury and a suicide attempt.  I walked in, sat down and because we only had a 1/2 hour, she asked a simple question:  "What brings you here?"  

I was befuddled.  I wasn't sure how to sum up 40 years of abuse and recovery in half an hour.  I prayed, asking the Holy Spirit to give me a clear mind and BOOM!  I dumped it at her feet.  I basically said:

1. Dr. Caban recommended I see you.
2. I have major depression, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, panic, ptsd, sexual and physical abuse, I haven't self-injured for three years, I've been sober for three years, I have an eating disorder and I'm a Christian whose attended the same church for 26 years.
3. My medication isn't working but I suspect I still need to do some healing work on the sexual and physical abuse, eating disorder and coping skills.

I stopped talking.  She took over.  I listened as she related back to me our similarities (same church, Christian for 30+ years).  Her training included all my issues, including the eating disorder.  This is rare from my experience to have someone so well educated.  I felt better.  Was still crying but knew God did a great miracle that day.

Since that day, I've been learning her style of therapy and trying to put into practice the tools she suggests.  Even through dual inpatient/outpatient treatment, Faith has been a pillar I can lean on in a healthy way.  She's a visual teacher so I have a collection of drawings we've done during sessions.  She lets me lead the direction to go in.  If I don't have the confidence to choose the right path, I let Faith know and we discuss it.  She's not a dictator.  She wants people to do what's right for them.  That's where real change takes place.

Faith is helping me write my book by reading the material, making some editor notes, making content suggestions and mostly helping me with the emotional triggers that accompany a work like this one.  She's helping me identify why I self-injure based on feelings.  Feelings with names are foreign.  She's incredibly gentle, soft spoken, warm and patient even when I'm not sure what's going on.

Faith, I believe God brought you in as my therapist to help equip me on how to stay sane, sober and injury free while my story gets written and I continue to recover.  You give me positive feedback so I can feel proud of myself.  I give thanks to God for bringing you into my broken world.  You are a submissive Godly woman and servant who heeds all the credit back to God, keeping none for yourself.  I feel safe during our session even if I'm an emotional mess...and that's a very big deal.  

.

Julie Tevenan, LCSW

When I could no longer afford to see Carol or Jeff, I reached out to my psychiatrist for help.  She told me about Julie and thought we'd be a good fit.  She worked in the same office, took Medicare and was an LCSW.  I like LCSW's.  Good, she's licensed and trained well.

Through the help of Carol and Jeff, I was able to stop drinking.  I was self-injury free.  The last day I drank and self-injured was July 9, 2010.  And when I say "self-injured" I mean I carved up my body.  Arms, shoulders, breasts, ribs, stomach and further down.  Yes, there, too.

If I had to describe Julie in one word, it would be wise.  She encouraged deep talk and utilizing the 45 minute session. She doesn't do hugs.  I'll be honest with you.  I don't remember what we worked on.  It's just one of those things.

What I do know is I was changed for the better.  I did what she told me to do, listened intently to what she was saying and dug down as far as I could.  Then, one year later, came her announcement.

"I'm leaving.  This is our last session."  And with that, we were done.  (I wouldn't advise that when working with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder).

I remember the Holy Spirit telling me not to get too attached to Julie when we first starting meeting.  I listened so the shock wasn't an emotional shock.  It was one of those, "Really?" shocks.  Fortunately, there was enough time so I could write her a kind note wishing her all the best.

What Julie and I worked on sustained my well-being.  Looking back, I can tell you we laughed a lot.  I mean we really whooped it up!  So much so that my psychiatrist (whose office shared a wall with Julie's), would come out when I was leaving to ask us what we were doing in there!  Hahaha.  We were having, "Too much fun and she wanted to join in!"

It was a good time.  A time of rest from my darkest issues.  A time where I could just be.

Thank you, Julie!  I have a warm spot in my heart for you.

Click here to watch a snippet by Joel Osteen on laughter